I was in a constant state of anxiety during my marriage.
Part of the problem was my own internal fears that I brought into the relationship:
I was afraid of losing my husband and being abandoned and…
I was afraid of being neglected or seen as unlovable.
These were beliefs that I had carried with me since childhood and nurtured by choosing unhealthy relationships that amplified my negative self-talk.
So, when these fears came true during my divorce, they once again validated my own internal fear: that I was not worthy of love.
Today, there have been times when I have gone back to the same type of relationship as my marriage, not because I want fear and dysfunction in my life but, because the unhealthy relationship is familiar: it is what I have been programmed to accept; fear… anxiety… drama… despair.
But I have learned through spiritual footwork that the other part of this relationship problem is the people I choose to get involved with…
Their actions cater to my own negative beliefs.
Their unreliable behavior leads me to always believe, even when they are on their best behavior, that there must be a catch and that sooner or later they will let me down again.
Basically… it is my shadow-self seeking another shadow-self to recreate patterns from my past.
A way of playing out negative beliefs… or becoming lost in the fantasy that this time… it will somehow… magically… be different and all work out.
But it is never different.
An unhealthy relationship is an unhealthy relationship.
If I choose to engage with someone that brings out my fears, my short comings, I am allowing myself to be controlled by my negative beliefs.
If I choose to keep someone in my life, and accept short bursts of attention and validation to make me feel “better in the moment” then I am selling myself short on what I can truly expect in a relationship with a kind, loving person who is willing to commit to me fully, and does not trigger my fear or my shadow self through inappropriate and unhealthy behavior.
“Dear God, help me be willing to let go of unhealthy relationships. Help me to be strong enough to walk away from what is hurting me.”