I loved my marriage, I loved my husband, but this did not mean that I had trust in him.
Time-after-time, during my husband’s long periods of addiction, he would break promises, lie, and contradict his own words with his unhealthy behavior.
And even though this happened numerous times, I would somehow put it out of my mind and believe that the next time he would get it right… the next time my love for him would overwhelm him and he would be a better man for me.
But the truth is, we often love people that we cannot trust and may never be able to trust.
I did not know going into my relationship with my husband that there would be a separation of these two things… I found out about our mounting trust issues long after I had already committed myself and my heart to him.
Today I still find it hard to accept that I can’t always trust someone I love but, I have to see the reality of the situation.
If I cannot depend on someone I love to follow through on their promises, then I have to stop trusting blindly, and without hesitation, set boundaries, and even choose to keep my distance, knowing that the inconsistencies of their actions and words have created a scenario where I can love them… but cannot trust them… and therefore I must care for and protect myself.
“Dear God, help me to trust myself. Help me to set clear boundaries with those I love for my own sanity and balance.”
THIS!!! A thousand times this!
This is why my lawyer is in the process of creating a Divorce Agreement to end my marriage of 35 years. A divorce I never wanted or expected (none of us do). I have been in a painful limbo for over two years, desperately clinging onto a marriage that was destroyed and that will never be resurrected or rebuilt.
His behavior (porn addiction and the betrayal and lies that go along with it) is not, can not and will not change. His willingness to lie to me will not change. I finally realized that he is being who he wants to be.
So, so sad, but I have to let go. The man I loved and the marriage we built together no longer exists. I cannot stay in this empty, painful marriage clinging to the past or wishing for a future that will never be.
I will never trust him because he has shown me over and over again that he is not trustworthy. Frankly at this point, he has killed the love I had for him.
Amy… I have been exactly where you are right now and my heart is with you…. I’m so sorry you are going through this but so glad that you see that you no longer want that negative addictive behavior in your life… lie after lie… I remember those days…. and I realized I wasn’t as angry at my ex as I was at myself for staying so long and trying so hard to make it work when he just wasn’t willing to change his addictive behaviors to truly work on the marriage. I’m glad you are getting the agreement underway… I’m here for you. D.
I can’t imagine a relationship of respect and commitment without trust. My husband and I were so close, almost inseparable. Over the past few years so much of that became suspect through his actions and also how he treated me verbally as well. Things just flat out started to change for him/with him.
My intuition / alert was up all the time and I finally had to sit down with him and validate what he kept denying .
How can a partner , lover , and confidant do such lousy “stuff”! I thought to myself … Why would he want to treat the closest person to him that way?
He knew lying was not part of us being together.
It was devastating over the past year going through the divorce and listening to piles of BS.
Pain, amazement and sadness was with me everyday.
But agreed that the momentum can’t really be reversed & trust restored once it’s broken.
Disappointed in him so much , but also in myself.
Patricia… my intuition and alert was up all of the time as well… for years… yet I kept doubting it and fighting to make things work… today… I really try to listen to that intuition and when I feel bells going off I step back and watch for a bit… it doesn’t always keep me from trouble LOL… but less trouble than in my past 🙂 D.