After my divorce I found it hard to trust my instincts when it came to romantic relationships.
I was sure that everyone who wanted to date me had an agenda and that agenda was to hurt me.
It was an extremely skewed point-of-view but, I had been so caught up in the pain of my husband’s decision to leave, that I could not look at it from any other vantage.
I was trapped in my own broken logic: my husband had lied to me, left our marriage, and if I let anyone else in… they might possibly do the exact same thing.
It is always good to have boundaries after suffering a terrible hurt.
Being cautious, careful, are good qualities to have but… to be controlled by the fear of what “might come to pass” is not living life:
It is hiding behind past experiences and refusing to bravely walk into the future.
Today I know that I have to trust until I have been given sufficient reason not to trust.
And if I am unable to do that… I must consider that I am not ready for a romantic relationship… and that I must continue on with my spiritual footwork until I am able to approach a new romantic relationship with an open mind and an open heart.
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“Dear God, help me to set clear boundaries in all of my relationships but help me to have trust so that my boundaries do not become walls to keep the people I love at bay.”
Daily Divorce Meditations 
Very well said. My husband has been gone for a year and I have not involved myself with anyone because I am aware enough to know that I need to “…continue on with my spiritual footwork…”. It is good.
I’m so glad. I didn’t date anyone for over a year as well and even when I began to date, I realized that I was still easily triggered. It takes time to heal and to work through it all to get to the place where we can let someone back in 🙂
I literally was just having this conversation with my sister-in-law. I found out last night from my ex’s former running buddy that he had multiple affairs throughout our marriage. They even slept with the same woman. He slept with a random woman he met while running a marathon I didn’t attend. Then he would come home and have intercourse with me. He smoked pot with his buddies wife (at the time) and drank with his friend daily. He then would come home and wreak havoc. After I caught him having an affair in 2007, I filed for divorce. He and his buddy did the calculations discerning he would owe an exorbitant amount in alimony. He did not want to pay that much money to me so he coerced and manipulated his way back into my life. I have literally spent over 20 years believing I was to blame for the demise of my marriage. I spent years working to fix myself for him. He is a narcissistic, male whore, alcoholic, substance abuser father to my children. I don’t trust myself to judge another man’s character. My ex is a narcissist, a chameleon that can fool the best. He is the proverbial Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You just don’t see the Dr. Jekyll until it is too late.
Michelle, I am in a similar situation of my long marriage ending after his betrayal and yet me being made to feel the collapse of the marriage was all my fault.
I have read an excellent book recently “Living and Loving After Betrayal’ by Stephen Stosny. It helped get my focus past thoughts of the betrayal and onto having a better life.
Thank you so much! I will get the book and read it immediately. I need some words from someone on the outside to help me make sense of my jumbled feelings that I know are just stinking thinking!
Oh Michelle! Can you feel me just sending good thoughts your way right now? I was in a similar situation… I was married to someone who was on their way to being a full-blown rock star and touring with Guns and Roses…. I’m sure you can imagine what I went through! OY! I hope your health was not compromised by his actions… my God… I’m so, so sorry. Please know that I’m here for you… and I’ve been there! D.
God truly was watching over me because I do not have an STD. I have been physically nauseated at the thought of him being with other women, then me. They say when you have sex with someone it is like having sex with everyone they have been with. Gag!! I think the thing that hurts the most is that he just used me. He should have walked away and didn’t. Selfish. Our sons and I could be living a healthy life instead of picking up the pieces of his self-entitlement life choices. I guess I have to be thankful I caught his last affair and called him out on it causing him to leave. If not, I probably would have ended up with an STD.
I guess it just leaves me wondering how I missed all the signs. I made such a poor choice. Prior to marriage I made a few poor dating choices, a horrible marriage choice, I should just give up! I don’t trust that I can make a good choice anymore.
I too have trust issues. I am learning to trust other people and when then confidence grows, maybe that can be extended to a romantic partner. However, that step is years and years away yet.