During my divorce, I would wake up in the middle of the night full of fear.
I would fear my own mortality, what my husband was doing and who he was with, being left behind without hope for the future.
The fear was so intense that my heart would pound, my body would feel the need to bolt out of the bed, and then… the grief would well up inside of me and I would cry big heaping sobs.
It was horrible to live in fear.
Fear overwhelms and controls you. It makes you feel that there is no hope… only despair. It keeps you out of faith. It makes you believe that you are being punished.
One night, I woke up and began the same horrible routine again. I felt the fear, I felt the need to bolt, and I felt the need to cry. But… instead of fighting it… I allowed it all to happen. I allowed myself to feel the fear… to feel my heart pounding. I allowed my body to get out of the bed, to bolt if necessary and then… I cried.
When my crying had ceased, I stopped… calmed down… and logically looked back at what happened.
Yes, I had fear about my mortality but that was a fear that I had long before my husband left home.
Yes, my body felt the need to bolt but that was just a basic animal instinct. I reminded myself that it is normal to feel the need to bolt when you are afraid. It’s your body telling you, “This is dangerous… you may be hurt… RUN!”
Yes, I had the need to cry but… who wouldn’t? I had been hurt. I had been betrayed. I had been let down by the person that I had given my love to.
Why wouldn’t I need to grieve? Why wouldn’t I need to express my sadness through my tears?
When I could calm down long enough to look at what was going on with my fear, I could see that it was really… a very logical, rational and natural reaction.
I was then able to take a deep breath, lie back down, and go back to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I had actually slept through the night. I had actually come to terms with my fear. I knew that I would feel these feelings again but now… I could look at the process that I was going through and come to terms with the loss of my marriage and my impending divorce.
“Dear God, help me to find strength in a moment of fear. Help me to calm my mind and find a logical and rational way to walk through the process and to become aware that it is a natural response that is helping me to overcome my recent loss.”
Daily Divorce Meditations 
I also found it helpful when I could look at my fear with a rational eye. It helped me to accept it, yet also limit its stay.
I so agree…. I recently just found myself in a situation where I was “emotionally spiraling” and when I looked at the situation rationally… I was able to calm down. 🙂
I feel fear and grief often during the day, and at night. My challenge will be to sleep through a night, and start to rebuild my strength. I believe it is more grief than fear, and the nagging thought of what he’s doing, even though (intellectually) I’m not longing to be with him. I feel it as punishment as you described. I also have moments where I do let go, but in the middle of the night those painful thoughts creep back in. I’m trying to learn to brush them away and not let them take energy and healing away. And when I think of fear, it’s not so much about starting to plan and develop a new life with my own choices, and being frightened of what to do, it’s more about wondering what I’ll do when I see him again, and that he’ll most likely be with the someone else who became part of this horrendous process as a deceitful interloper. Letting go of anger is also going to be letting go of fear.
Patricia I hated when people would say “time will get you through this” but it really is so very true. It is so fresh in the beginning… so difficult to be logical when all of your emotions are highly charged…. even when you do stop to use logic fear and grief often override it. Letting go of anger and fear will happen… most likely fear first and anger second 🙂 … but it WILL happen… I’m here for you! D.
Funny what a year does. Much of the fear is gone, but anger lingers more so.
Ironically I was at dinner with friends last night and they had just received an email from him.
I don’t think of him much these days but something like that is still a trigger. Changed my disposition over the past 24 hours but I know I’ll move through it, again.
It actually made me anxious but I know it’s getting better.
Yes that would definitely be a trigger! I totally understand. It will get better… and when things like that do happen or you run into him… it will make you “twingy” but then you will move past it! 🙂 D
I thought it was just me and that I was immature. I get upset my heart pounds and I need time to recover everytime he calls my children or when they go to see him. I vacillate between wanting to know the details of what he is doing and what he said and what they did together and being angry and wishing they would blow him off or give him the cold shoulder to teach him a lesson.
TiaBen it’s not immature at all. How are you supposed to just turn off your heart, your emotions, after spending a significant amount of time with someone? You are hurt. You are angry. It makes sense you would want to lash out and see him being taught a lesson. But… coming here to read each day, sharing your comments, talking it through… those are all signs of just how mature you are… you are trying to take the higher road… it isn’t always easy… but you ARE TRYING. If your ex is anything like mine… he is probably acting like this is pretty easy… moving on is easy…. but remember… if that is so… he basically has just “moved his old light bulb into a new lamp” (I always loved when my mentor said that to me) His “new lamp” is going to get old as well… and sooner or later… he’s going to have to look at himself (the old light bulb) and realize that leaving you… leaving his family…. was a “quick fix” that isn’t going to change things in the long run. He will repeat the pattern again and again unless he is really working through his issues with guidance. My heart is with you. I know exactly how you feel. Focus on being healthy and happy and enjoying your time with your children. IT will get better and these feelings will pass over time. One day… you really won’t care what he’s up to anymore. I promise. I’m here. 🙂 D.
This post (and especially some of your replies in the comments, D.) hit hard.
Every time I read someone’s announcement of the death of their spouse of x-number of decades, I fall apart.
What breaks me isn’t so much the sudden fear of my own mortality. Worse for me is the awareness that, more likely than not, I’ll one day hear of my ex’s death, hours or days after the fact, through a mutual friend or, worse, though someone’s post on social media.
One of my strongest triggers right now.
Just remember Matthew… I have been where you are now… and the people who read this and are part of this online community have been there too. You will get through it… I promise… hang in there and just keep moving forward! D.
My recovery, guides Me to take action through prayer and meditation practices so I can experience the presence of our creator now, today, in this moment and enjoy the beauty of being fully present, what my ex does is none of my business! It’s taken a while to get to this acceptance, thank you Lord,… have a blessed day.
Absolutely, Robert! 🙂 Today… I rarely think of my ex or what he is doing and when I do… there is absolutely no emotion to it. It is amazing what time and a spiritual path can do! D.
I talked about the fear of being alone and bolting up in the middle of the night with my counselor today. Soon to be ex husband and I were together almost 15 years. I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago, in remission now but since it’s blood cancer I get pretty sick a few times a year and have to be hospitalized. Also, 4 years ago we took in a foster child and decided to adopt him. He’s walking away from us both.
Hi Deb. I know how hard this all is for you. You will get to the other side of it. My Mom once said to me: “If he doesn’t want to be here with all of us… let him go. We don’t want to spend time with someone who doesn’t want to be here.”
I couldn’t agree more. Build your new beautiful life with that new beautiful child. Your world is open to endless possibilities. Grieve the loss of the original dream and then move with purpose towards the new one. We are all here for you! D.
“Moved his old lightbulb into a new lamp”. It made me laugh out loud-hard. Thank you for sharing.