When overwhelmed by pain and despair… When my mind spins a loop of negative feedback… I find that the only way out of my unhealthy cycle is to put a plan into place and stick to it. It does not have to be a grand plan… which in moments of desperation… would be too overwhelming to even conceive. It just needs to be a plan to get me out of my head and through the day. It can be as simple as making a list of things I know that I can control and accomplish: Getting up at a specific time. Making the bed. Exercising. Going for a cup of coffee. Meeting up with a friend. Whatever will keep my mind active in the moment and unable to ruminate over my problems. I have found that it really is the small things in my life that can set me off in the wrong direction or, for that matter, the right direction. If I find that my mood is sour… that I am unable to stop my negative thinking… I correct my action by putting a plan in place and following it until I am able to right my attitude. _ “Dear God, help me to find balance. Help me to go step-by-step throughout my day when I am struggling, taking care of my needs and focusing on the moment.”

I often think back on my divorce as an odyssey. Like many of the Greek heroes that I learned about when studying in school… I was so focused on my own ego and other people’s flaws that I lost my way. I was hurt. I was reacting out of pain and self-pity. I was worried about people’s perceptions of my marriage and their speculation on my divorce and I was so sad over the loss of my marriage that I didn’t want to continue on. But I did continue on and each day I set out to find answers to what went wrong, what was my part in it, and what I now wanted for my own life. There were constant mental and physical obstacles. I struggled, I became humble, I asked for help, and soon I was moving forward. It wasn’t easy to admit that I played a part in the end of my marriage… to let go of ego and embrace humility. But by doing so, I become a stronger person today, by admitting that I too have flaws and that I too need to work on obtaining clarity and self-knowledge from my experience and my journey. – ” Dear God, help me to let go of ego in search of humility. Help me to be honest about my part in things so that I have the ability to be a better person in all of my relationships.”

During my marriage, I could be very hard on my husband in relation to my own expectations, standards, and resentments.

If he did not “walk the line” according to my standards… if he did not “follow through” according to my expectations… I would become angry and resentful and often times, never let him live it down.

When I first looked back on my part in the downfall of our marriage, I would get stuck in shame related to how I behaved and wish fervently… that I could take it all back.

But today, I look at it much differently… instead of becoming caught up in regret… I see my past “shadow” behavior as a gift.

I let the film of those moments play out in my mind and when I am tempted to begin expecting things from those I love, or setting them up to fail at my rigid rules and standards or… refusing to forgive them no matter how they may try to make it up to me… I am reminded of how I want to live my life today: without behaving as a punisher, when I don’t get my own way, and without clinging to the illusion of control.

My expectations… my standards… my resentments are exactly that: mine.

I am not the “boss” over any other human being.

They have their own expectations… their own standards… and of course their own resentments.

If I truly love someone, if I truly want them in my life, I have to be willing to be flexible and see the situation and ultimately the world from their perspective as well as my own and come up with a relationship that works for both of us: fluid and flexible instead of rigid and bound by control.

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“Dear God, help me to see all sides of a situation. Help me to step away from my own fixed ideas and open my mind to a world view.”

Lately, I have been participating in a roll that I had hoped to never play again: the victim to someone’s punisher.

It was a roll I often found myself in during my marriage, and then my divorce, and it was not a role I relished.

My husband used to punish me for the smallest infractions:

If I was late for any given reason, even if it was an unforeseeable event that had caused my tardiness, he would punish me by either brooding over what he saw as a disrespect to him personally, an infraction, a slight, on my part or choose to take his attention… time… away from me to prove his point until he was sure that I had been wounded in return.

If I shared feelings with him that made him feel uncomfortable. If I had needs or concerns or tried to express my anger or frustration calmly and logically, he accused me of ruining his day… his mood… and I would find myself apologizing for even bringing things up.

This did not keep an open path of communication between us.

It was a form of mental terrorism that kept me in my place.

Because of his punishing behavior, we were never able to work as a team…. to find a relationship that worked for both of us…. to set goals and find a way to accept each other totally.

And as the victim, I time-and-time again swallowed my own feelings and needs while being left emotionally and often physically… abandoned.

Today, when I find myself falling into the Victim role…. I do several things:

I speak to a trusted friend who will help me work through my emotions.

I allow time to pass and my emotions to cool before I address the issue.

I then hold my ground and express my needs in hopes that we will be able to amend the situation.

And I have learned, if I feel that I have done everything in my power out of love and respect to change the dynamic and remedy the situation yet the cycle continues, then maybe it is time for me to rethink the relationship and allow some space to bring me clarity.

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“Dear God, help me to step out of old patterns that no longer serve me. Help me not to take on another person’s issues and to stay working firmly on my side of the street.”

After grieving the loss of my marriage, and accepting that divorce was inevitable, I began the arduous task of spiritual footwork. I knew that if I chose to resign myself to my fate, and not look at my part in things, that nothing would really change in my life. I would be the same person and most likely end up gravitating to the same type of relationship. It was important for me to take a fearless moral inventory and have a willingness to change. My willingness appeared when I relinquished the illusion of control and accepted the idea that maybe my Higher Power was trying to get me out of my own way. That maybe… there was a better plan for me on the horizon if I would just let go and have faith. By allowing myself this attitude adjustment, and admitting that maybe my plan was not the best plan, things began to change in my favor almost immediately. It started with small moments of clarity and growth. And as my self-esteem returned, my willingness grew, and I became witness to my progress. My days became full of clarity and growth. Footwork is not easy. It is difficult to look at feelings, work through issues, admit wrongs, analyze character defects, but today… I am a stronger person because of my commitment to be willing, to have faith, and to work on cleaning up “my side of the street.” – “Dear God, help me to accept that my life is in progress. Help me to move forward with my spiritual footwork and have faith in your plan.”