Letting go of someone or something was always difficult for me.
I would grow attached to a person, an outcome, and believe that if I just kept pushing… just kept working on it… I could make it right.
Even when I knew the person, or the situation was not in my “best interest,” I would still push forward.
I just couldn’t let go.
I would fixate on all of the time I put into a relationship.
Or all of the time I put into a goal.
All of the time I put into “fixing things,” or “getting it right” and it seemed to “Let go” would mean that all of that time was somehow now wasted.
No matter how tired, worn-out, absolutely exhausted I found myself: I wouldn’t “Let go.”
One day, my sponsor said, “You remind me of a bull-terrier when they won’t let go during a tug of war with a rope.” Then she rested her hand on my arm and said, “Let go. It’s time… just let it go.”
Letting go doesn’t mean that you “give up.”
Letting go means that you stop fighting for your outcome… you “let go” and leave the outcome to God.
I would have spent my whole life trying to make things work with my husband.
I would have spent all of my precious time trying to fix something that couldn’t be fixed.
I needed to mourn the loss of my relationship, accept that I had learned many valuable lessons along the way but, when the time came to put down the “rope,” I had to be ready to move on… and let go.
“Dear God, help me to let go of what is not working for me. Help me to accept that sometimes I don’t know what is best for me… that you do… and if I stop fighting your will, I will find a new and better way to learn, love, and live.”
Letting go… The biggest challenge I’ve felt this far.
I have to learn I don’t have to win or keep trying to, nor do I have to give in, but I just have to move on.
Those flashbacks to the past appear unexpectedly from time to time. I hope they fade soon…
It is hard to let go when you have put so much time and effort into the relationship… you keep expecting a psychological pay-off and that if you just hold on a bit longer…
But… that’s just more time which adds to the need for the pay off…
One of my friends just said yesterday “People need to understand that some people are meant to be in our lives a season… and not a lifetime… learn the lessons and move on… 🙂 D.
AMEN!… And I remember even as recently as a few years back, we both thought our “forever” as soul mates was forever (and then I felt that part fading away and was trying to save it)… but it turns out it really was a season. I vacillate between grief and relief sometimes, but grief it taking up less and less room in my head now.
Wow… that is so true! My marriage lasted many years, and my husband had been my closest friend. I never believed this would end. But, turns out all of this was for a season, and not for a lifetime. Some days I wish I had seen this coming sooner, and awhile back when I felt it, that I had acted sooner, but I wanted to do all I could to keep it together. It’s clear now that we both needed to move on with our lives
Yes… you are right… saying it out loud… accepting that… is difficult but once you do…. it becomes easier to move forward. 🙂 D.
I’m trying to remember that life is ever changing… that I must find the joy that I had within “the season” and not miss out on more time by being unwilling to let go and move on… I often thought about … if I just acted sooner… but I can’t take that time back… it is what it is… and now we have moved on…. and I am better for it… just keep going! You are improving every day! I see it in your posts… you ARE getting there! 🙂 D.
I can’t thank you enough for your posts. I feel like I’m crawling along, and it’s encouraging to know that I might be making some progress. Sometimes I just can’t tell!
You are Patricia! I can see it in your writing… Just remember… I felt the same way… and look at my life now… 🙂 YOU WILL GET THERE! D.
Patricia, we have a new comment on this post from Helene… I said I bet you would be willing to share your progress and spread some hope! 🙂 D.
I read everyday, posts from many sites about moving on after a separation and pending divorce. I am being treated for depression and seeing a psychiatrist but after four months I am still in the phase of not believing this is happening to me. I was married for 35 years which from all appearances a happy marriage. My husband walked out and has never looked back and is spending time with another woman who is also married and 20 years younger which began four days after he left. I am trying desperate to find the right suggestion to help me move forward.
I am SO sorry. I know what a terrible struggle this is for you. My own divorce was devastating. Four months is a VERY short amount of time and you have to give yourself permission to grieve… and feel your loss. You will feel better… you will move on… but it will take time. I was married for 20 years and the first year of my divorce was VERY difficult and it took several years for my emotional and spiritual foundation to feel whole once again. It really does take a toll, temporarily, on your self-esteem. I’m glad you are receiving counseling… it really helps to have someone work through it with you. I hope you find solace in my daily words… and know… that I’m here… I made it through… and you will too.
How are you doing?
I don’t know if you still read comments but I wanted to tell you how much your words comfort me. It’s as if my jumbled thoughts are in your writing but in an organized, helpful way. I know all of this, having spent several years in the al-anon rooms, but it’s not easy. My Divorce will be final in December ending a 24 year marriage and 33 relationship. I feel broken and have lost myself but I have great hope that I will be in a better place in time.
I’m so glad to hear that, Helene.
I do read my comments… I do respond to comments and other readers are great at offering support as well. There is a better place coming over time. I promise you! I was so sad, hurt, broken. I had never been in a place where I felt so off my compass or rocked from my foundation until my divorce. I had fought so hard for my marriage, accepting so many things I shouldn’t have, that boy did it hurt when he walked out to another woman after I felt I had championed him for so long. It took a significant amount of time, Al-Anon meetings, open AA meetings (to remind me to have compassion) and working with a counselor/mentor to move forward from the grief while working on my own spiritual soundness. The results? The life I have today is a truly authentic one. I write, I teach, I have a significant other who loves me dearly and wants to be present in our relationship and that has made all the difference. Don’t rush things… don’t rush to date (you will just pick the same type all over again) work on yourself, move forward with the things you love, and remember… I’m here for you… and I bet Patricia, who is a regular reader of this blog will write to you too. She has really made some amazing progress and I know will want to share! 🙂 D.
You are helping me get through this. I look forward to your posts everyday.
Oh I’m so glad, Lisa. I made it through to the other side and you will too! I promise.