December 13th: Old Behaviors

December 13th-Old Behaviors

It has been many years since my divorce but still, there are people that come into my life, similar to my husband in behavior, that bring out my old ways of “bending to make myself fit” into the relationship.

The first time this happened, I was quite surprised at how quickly I fell back into my old patterns.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to spiral into my past, pivot from my direction, and suddenly work myself around this new person’s needs.

After awhile, I became worn of being this shadow version of myself.

I was so busy trying to make myself likable and lovable to this new friend that I hadn’t even looked at the relationship to see if it was really working for me: it wasn’t.

I was becoming frustrated, upset, disheartened that no matter how much I bent to this person’s needs, I was still left feeling that I hadn’t done it right… or I hadn’t done enough… or I was somehow lacking and therefore… unlovable.

Soon, I was beyond miserable and I knew that I had lost my way on my spiritual path. I had slipped into my old behaviors using the similarities between my new friend and my ex-husband to recreate a past that hadn’t worked for me then, and certainly wouldn’t work for me now after so many years of growth and spiritual footwork.

I had to step back from the relationship and let time and distance put my actions and my life back into perspective.

It isn’t easy letting go of someone we love, or someone that feels familiar to us… but if I am unable to be my best self when I am with this person… if no matter how hard I try I still fall into my old and destructive behaviors when I am near them… then I must take time apart to complete more spiritual footwork in hopes that I can revisit the relationship again as my true self… not my shadow self.

“Dear God, help me to let go of my old ways. Help me to move forward on my spiritual path in all of my relationships, showing my true and best self to those I love and care for.”

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