January 3rd: Trust

January 3rd-Trust

I grew up in a home that was full of chaos and shaky boundaries.

There was a lot of love, a lot of laughter, but we learned early on, that the adults in our home often broke trust with us and with each other.

Nothing was ever “firm.”

No one could ever truly be counted on.

Growing up in dysfunction made me believe that all relationships, all families, must act this way.

So when I married, I looked for the same qualities in my husband that I had first found in my family home.

He was charming, talented, witty, intelligent, and helped me to re-create a world of passion, chaos, and poor boundaries.

Each time my husband promised me something, I would believe that this time… it would be different… this time… he would follow through… this time… I would be able to trust the person I loved.

It was as if I had never learned any of the lessons from my childhood: I trusted blindly.

Today I know that actions speak louder than words.

If I give someone I love chance-after-chance to be trustworthy and they continue to fail me… what am I saying about myself and who am I ultimately hurting?

If I allow myself to be hurt, disappointed, unnerved, frustrated time-and-time again… I must take myself in hand.

I cannot be angry with another person if I keep giving my trust freely and allowing them to have it when it has not been earned.

“Dear God, help me to protect and care for myself by living in the reality of the situation and not holding out for the fantasy. Help me to see I am worthy of more.”

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