Note to my readers: please excuse the tardiness of several posts! I have been a traveling writer recently and often in locations where internet is not accessible… know that if I am unable to be with you in words… I am with you in thought… and that my prayers for you are: May you be strong… May you be happy… May you be well… May you be at ease. D.

After my divorce, my disappointment over the end of my marriage and my struggle with obsessing on the “what it could have been…” left me terrified to open my heart to another.

I was afraid to care for someone again.

I was afraid to want someone again.

It seemed easier, at the time, to remain… “closed off” or “behind a wall…” and refuse to let anyone in.

If I remained distant… then I wouldn’t be hurt and that way… I wouldn’t be let down… I couldn’t be “left behind.”

I made a lot of mistakes during this time period.

I let a lot of great people leave my life for fear that they may get too close and I may be disappointed once again.

But living life is not about “hiding behind a wall” and refusing to let others into my heart.

Life and love are about connections, shared history, and messy emotional ups and downs.

By fearlessly giving myself entirely over to another human being… heart and soul… and accepting that with the sadness will also come great joy, I live life to the fullest and I walk my true spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to be brave and open my heart to others.  Help me to see that by being generous and fearless with my love I live a life full of grace and joy.”

Yesterday… I yelled at someone.

Had this person done something wrong?

Yes.

Was it worthy of my anger?

Yes.

Was it necessary for me to lose my temper, and act out in a heated moment and publicly shame this person?

No.

Sometimes, we act rashly… we react with emotion… or we wait until the “straw that breaks the camel’s back” comes along and then unleash our fury.

It was a horrible moment for me.

It was a reminder of how I often lost my temper in my marriage with my husband.

I spent the rest of that hour, hands shaking, trying to calm down and acting “as if” everything was okay… while everyone else in the room worked to keep the peace between us.

Sometimes… we try to justify our bad behavior:

Well, if she had been behaving appropriately, I wouldn’t have had to yell at her or…

If he had only done what I asked him to do, I wouldn’t have had to call him out.

But… when you use your anger as a weapon… an amends is in order.

I waited until we were both calm, and then, in front of everyone, I apologized for losing my temper as my friend apologized to me.

Our amends to each other was necessary and immediate, the bond it created changed our relationship forever in that moment.

My friend stood before me, hugged me, sure in the knowledge that I would never use my anger against her unfairly again…. and I hugged my friend, humbled by the experience.

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“Dear God, if I have harmed someone with my bitter words, grant me the gift of humility. Help me put my ego aside and ask forgiveness for my poor behavior… let your grace fill my voice with words of apology.”

Often, when I don’t want to look at the true problem at hand, I busy myself with tasks and distractions until one day… I find myself worn-out with exhaustion.

When my husband and I divorced… I filled my time up with activities to keep my mind occupied and away from the pain of my loss.

Many of these occupations were positive:

Going back to school for my Master’s degree.

Spending quality time with my children.

Putting my home and my financial life in order.

Learning new behaviors and working to improve my spiritual path.

But I also became quite co-dependent: distracting myself with other people’s problems and stepping in… expending energy… instead of offering experience and then letting them work through life steps on their own.

One day, I came home, sat down at my computer to write, looked at the screen, and felt as if I was going to collapse if I even tried to type one word.

I knew then… that I had fallen into a very bad place.

I was not taking care of myself.

I was winding myself up, wearing myself out to keep from experiencing my painful emotions and it had taken a toll on me: I was now not only emotionally exhausted but I was physically exhausted. It was time to step back and take a break.

At first, some people were upset that I was unwilling to offer all of the solutions in their situations. That I was no longer available for their needs 24 hours a day but I explained, that I needed to recuperate from my own loss, take time for my own needs.

I learned that I must take care of myself first before I fell into exhaustion once again.

The spiritual work I needed to do to move me forward on God’s path cannot be accomplished with a chaotic mind and a poor physical state.

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“Dear God, help me to take care of myself. I cannot help others on your path if I do not have the strength to carry myself.”

I once heard that serenity wasn’t having “all of your ducks in a row” but having all of your ducks scattered and being okay with it.

Well, I don’t know much about ducks… but I do know that when my world is feeling scattered… when I feel that I don’t have a safe harbor… an anchor to cling to…. my serenity is in danger.

Sometimes… it just feels like a run of bad luck… like I can’t catch a break no matter how hard I try.

I think I’ve done the right thing.

I think I’ve chosen the right path and then suddenly…

something comes along and “scatters my ducks.”

It can be quite disheartening.

I have learned that during these times of chaos I must go back to the idea of “One day at a time” and really… down to “One minute or one second at a time” if necessary.

I have to focus myself on the tasks at hand:

Getting up.

Making my bed.

Getting ready for work.

Showing up.

Doing my job well.

Eating, resting, taking care of my health until my serenity returns.

If I allow myself to become enveloped in the chaos… I allow myself to become scattered in my mind, in my spiritual beliefs, in my actions and I lose all sense of perspective.

By taking it moment by moment, accepting that things are scattered for now but, will return to a since of normalcy in the future, I can keep moving forward on my path and learn to find serenity when all around me is chaotic.

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“Dear God, help me to find serenity even when my world is full of chaos. Help me to find solace in my day-to-day routine as I struggle through these changes.”