When I was younger, before I really began to focus on my spiritual footwork, I believed that the No Contact rule was cruel.

How could I just stop talking to someone I once loved?

How could I act as if they never mattered in my life?

Would I really just walk by them; barely acknowledge their presence, as if they were merely an acquaintance?

It seemed that to follow the No Contact rule was a way to punish the person I had once loved, a way of skipping the moral high ground when ending a relationship.

But… as I grew older, I realized that the No Contact rule was not about the other person… the No Contact rule was for me.

I was able to see that by holding firmly to my rule, I was allowing myself the necessary time to heal by breaking away from the person I loved.

This was a way of creating space, so that I was able to:

Fall out of love…

Forgive…

Open myself up to the possibility of someone new…

But if I held on to my past… I couldn’t move forward.

The No Contact rule helps me to have control over the only thing I can control: myself and my actions.

The only way for me to let go of someone who no longer chooses to share their life with me, is by creating a significant amount of no contact time, while I work through my pain and my past to move forward towards my new life.

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“Dear God, help me to have the strength to keep my distance. Help me to be loving and kind to myself and allow myself the time I need to heal without an interruption in my spiritual process.”

One of the most unattractive aspects of my divorce was the amount of emotional manipulation that I dealt with while trying to separate from my husband.

I never knew which one of us was going to fight for the position of: victim, martyr, or punisher.

Each time I thought of how he wanted to leave me, leave our relationship, leave our family, I would become angry and want to punish him for every transgression he had committed throughout our time together.

Each time I felt betrayed by him, and sought out comfort from family and friends, the role of martyr, the long suffering spouse, arrived on the scene to protect my fragile self-esteem and comfort my bruised ego.

And when I was full of despair or fear… I could blame my husband for my pain, feel sorry for myself, believe that other people had it so much better than me.

My husband played his part in the game as well:

He embraced each role as fervently as I did.

I learned through this addictive emotional manipulation, that nothing was getting solved; neither one of us was moving forward, because we were always so busy acting out our attachment to our particular roles.

I had to train myself to choose not to engage… to catch myself when becoming a victim, a martyr, a punisher and walk away from a fight instead of instigating one.

Over time, this became a habit, and once I chose to no longer participate, the manipulation ceased.

It was so easy for me to fall into a destructive pattern when I was suffering but, by doing the spiritual footwork to become aware of my shortcomings, I was able to move away from each role and focus on what was truly important: forgiving the past, finding gratitude in my present life, and moving towards my future.

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“Dear God, help me to be kind and forgiving. Help me to move forward with love and compassion even when I feel unable to do so.”

Often, when I think of the word commitment I think of marriage: two people making a decision to abide by a certain code, embrace love, and share a common goal through their relationship and hopefully, throughout their life time.

But commitment is not just about marriage, it is about most everything in life, and there are times when I must look at my own commitment to people, ideals, goals, direction and decide what codes I am willing to abide by, what emotions I am willing to embrace, what goal I am ready to pursue so that I can commit.

If I am committed to making a relationship work then what does that mean?

What am I willing to do to succeed with another person?

What am I unwilling to put up with? Deal with? Do I have limits when it comes to my love?

Am I able to put in the time this person will need to make them feel wanted, cared for, secure in our relationship?

Am I willing to put their needs above my own at times if necessary?

Do I have the means to share my life with them spiritually, physically, financially?

Often times, I might commit to things in life: in relationships, friendships, jobs, education, without stopping to think what amount of commitment it will take from me to follow through.

It is easy to say “I commit” …to be caught up in a moment of joy, passion, or excitement and promise to commit to a person, and ideal, a goal, or a direction.

But I know today… that when I choose to commit… I must first spend quiet, contemplative time, and focus on my spiritual footwork to decide if I am truly willing to follow through on that commitment and that path.

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“Dear God, help me to be true to my word and pure in my intent. When I choose to commit help me to follow through.”

There are times when I let my thoughts run rampant in my head.

I often catch myself spending too many moments of my precious day obsessing over things I have no control over.

When my husband and I divorced, I would often wonder what he was doing? Who he was with? How I could fix things and bring him back to me.

I thought that once I had all of my thoughts worked out regarding our problems… that my obsessive thinking would stop.

But these days, many years after my divorce… I still catch myself obsessing over other things, other people, and I realize… that if I get into the habit of letting these thoughts run “rampant” in my mind… as I have in the past… and seem to keep doing in my present… I will end up with a lot of wasted moments.

I have to learn to control my thoughts, my obsessive thinking, and stay in the day.

It is of no help to me… or anyone around me for that matter… if I am unable to work with the reality of my present.

I don’t have time to ruin my day wondering why someone doesn’t want to be with me, or what they may be doing right now, or why that person at work snapped at me the other day, or why I don’t have exactly what I want in life, the moment that I believe I should have it.

Obsessive thoughts waste time.

I must train my mind to stay in the moment… to value what I have right in front of me… work to remain in the present and positive in my thoughts.

I must stop my obsessive thinking before I even start.

Obsessive thoughts can not help me to solve a problem. Obsessive thoughts cause me to become out of control, break my serenity, and keep me from living fully in the day.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my problems. Help me to calm my mind and give over my obsessive thoughts. Help me to stay in the day and value the moment.”

Sometimes change comes to me whether I like it or not:

A loss of a beloved friend or family member.

The end of a relationship.

A divorce.

These moments in time where I cannot control the situation are difficult… often painful… but I must mourn the loss and accept the change… so that I can move on.

But other times, I can see that change is necessary in my life and I must take action, even when it may be difficult to make a decision to do so.

I have never wanted to hurt someone through change, yet even when I strive to follow my spiritual path, or take the higher ground in my decision-making, it still may happen.

I cannot control what other people may feel or how they react when I make a decision that I feel is in my best interest.

What I know is… is that if I make my decision, with the best possible intentions, using a clear mind, and a kind heart, then I know that I have done what I honestly believe is right for me and anyone else involved.

I may need to take a break from a relationship for awhile to gain clarity regarding my emotions, or actions.

I may need to cut back on work if I’m struggling with balance and suffering in health, or in emotional well-being.

I may need to take an inventory of my life… and correct behaviors that I feel are not honest in intention.

Change is not about being selfish.

Change is about a reckoning… and understanding that something is “off” in my day-to-day life and it is time for me to make what I believe are positive changes to correct it.

Although change may be difficult for me, and for those I love in the short term, by being fearlessly honest about my need for change with those connected to me, I believe I am making the better choice over time.

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“Dear God, help me be fearlessly honest yet gentle and kind, when expressing my need for change with those I love and care for. Help me to make my decisions based on a sound spiritual foundation and not out of ego, pain, anger or fear.”

I have often heard “fake it until you make it” and while going through my divorce I had to do just that.

My self-esteem had taken such a great hit… that at times, I had to pretend that I was much stronger than I actually was just to get through it.

It wasn’t because I was trying to “trick” people into believing that I was okay or that I wasn’t really being affected by the event, it was because if I didn’t “fake it” I was worried that I would never recover from my loss and that the pain, and the despair, would eventually overcome me.

I knew I had to be strong for my children… to maintain in my day-to-day life… and give them some sense of normalcy… as we all walked through this painful change together.

Each time I stood up and smiled and acted “as if” instead of lying down and giving up, helped me to rebuild my fragile self-esteem and remind me that there was a strength inside of me, that may have been damaged by the pain that I had suffered, but had not been broken.

Each time I stood up and smiled and acted “as if” I felt as though step, by small step, I once again could face the world.

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“Dear God, help me to find the strength to carry on even in my darkest moments. Help me to believe in your path and use my faith to build my character and find my way.”

Sometimes it can be hard for people to say the words, “I love you.”

It often seems as if they are holding back for fear that by admitting the feeling they will somehow be “beholden” to you.

Or… that by opening up, and sharing their truth, that it will be turned against them or lead them towards vulnerability and maybe even heartbreak and pain.

Declaring love, out loud, can be difficult.

Especially after going through a terrible loss such as a divorce.

It took me time after the end of my marriage to be brave enough to declare my love to someone once again but,

as time moved me through the pain, and I healed from my emotional wounds, I found my voice and braved the words.

For me, saying “I love you” after my divorce was my way of admitting that I was stronger than the pain that had thrown me into despair.

Saying “I love you” meant that I was well on my way to recovery and willing to live life once again.

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“Dear God, help me to show my love in all of my words and deeds in my day-to-day life. Help me to give those I love what they need so that they will feel cherished always.”

I have had to accept many things in my life:

The deaths of those I have loved.

My divorce.

Illnesses that were hard to overcome.

And though all of these painful moments first consumed me with despair, I learned to move forward by accepting each of them.

At first, I struggled but as my emotions calmed I found acceptance through grace and joy.

I accepted the loss of my loved ones by accepting that death was a part of life.

Yes, many were taken away from me too soon but… the joy that they brought to me and many others while on this Earth was something I could not overlook and left wonderful memories that could never be taken away.

I accepted my divorce in the same way by focusing on the gifts of the union: my two beautiful children.

And the illnesses I had to overcome? Well, the word “overcome” says it all. I am still here today surrounded by many loving family and friends who walked with me during my painful trial.

To say things like “I wish I’d never known him… or I wish I’d never been married… or I wish I’d never suffered” is like saying… “I refuse to love, to open my heart, because then I might have to feel pain.”

Life is full of pain and suffering. Acceptance is key to living. I would never give up the time I had with my loved ones to save myself the pain of their loss. I would never give up my marriage and lose the gift of my children. I would never give up my illnesses because they taught me to live in the day and to be thankful for my good health.

I accept that pain and loss may come my way but if I walk bravely forward in acceptance and faith, I will be greeted with many more gifts when I reach the other side of my heartache.

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“Dear God, help me to accept life on your terms. Help me to see the beauty and joy in all things.”