Some of the most difficult times in my life have revolved around making hard choices: choices that cause me deep pain in my heart.
To know that I love someone with everything I am… and to then realize that I have to let them go… despite my love is beyond disheartening.
But if I pay attention to my gut instinct, I know that it is the right thing to do. That something is off… that something is not working.
When my husband asked for a divorce, I fought to keep him close, to keep our marriage intact but… no matter what we tried, we could not mend what was broken.
The day I finally accepted that he was going to leave and that I would have to let go of what we were, was simultaneously one of the worst and best days of my life.
The worst, because it was the day that I began to mourn the loss of my husband, my marriage, and ultimately… my dream.
The best, because I felt an overwhelming sense of relief once I let go of trying to control something I had no ability to control: the end of my marriage.
Today, I still have to make hard choices, choices that I wish to God I didn’t have to make, but knowing that my life has thrived since my divorce helps me to have faith in my future.
“Dear God, help me to stand by my choice. Help me to stand with firm resolve when my emotions threaten to take over and hinder my spiritual growth.”
I know your words. My gut instinct was telling me…for so long…yet I kept fighting it saying “my gut could be wrong and then what? I will have let go of the most important thing…and I will never get this back…and I will never have this again”. As I wrote those last 6 words, I realized “I never want that again”…I want none of how we were and who we became together…I only mourn who we lost and might have been. 2 months and 2 days today. I have surfaced to take a deep breath and feel the sun on my face. I hope I can stay here for awhile 🙂
Much gratitude and love.Tanya
It truly is a mourning of the fantasy as you said…”I only mourn who we lost and might have been.” I’m so glad to hear that you are taking a deep breath and moving forward… I promise you… it will be better on the other side. I’m here Tanya… 🙂 D.
D, when I read this today I realized I’m still going through hard choices —
I didn’t see until recently that what I had to let go of, (the hardest choice for me has been the “letting go” …) was the “dream”.
The dream of when and how we met, how we felt for so many years, and being a couple our friends and family even envied in terms of how we obviously felt about each other, how we got along, and how much fun we all had together.
Some days I feel like I’m day-dreaming or almost sleepwalking when it registers that none of that has existed for some time, I could never bring it back, that I wouldn’t want to or need to see that as something that could ever be revived, and that I am reaching the end of truly mourning what was.
It’s hard to let it go…. to realize it hadn’t been “good” for a really long time… 😦 D.
I needed this so much today. Thank you.
I’m glad my words were there when you needed them….. D.
We mourn what we tried, the dream, but ultimately could not do alone. Then, I remember the frustration, loneliness, lack of emotion and connection. As different as this is, I would never go back. It is a choice to stay where your soul does not grow. On my way to the other side!
Absolutely… beautifully said.
I agree… So well said.
And it was hard to just admit to myself it wasn’t good and hasn’t been for a long while.
It’s been such a tough week having gotten messages from my ex, learning he’s moving further down the coast with his “new” girlfriend, and in the background understanding that it’s really not all roses …
But he’s not part of my life anymore and I finally know and feel it’s a relief.
And just letting it go feels right, now.
ah yes that feeling when that feeling that we no longer had to control another person. Not only realizing that we couldn’t, but we didn’t have to. Wow what a load off our shoulders.
I have often talked about a time when my husband was struggling with addiction. I had to make him leave the house. It was the worst night of my life, worrying that he may not make it through the night… but I also remember the big sigh of relief when I completely let go… the same thing with my divorce… I would pick it up… set it down…. and then realize how much better I felt each time I let it go.
This had been a week of wrestling back and forth so much with letting go… But I am feeling today that I’m getting back on track– back to my “present” …
It always is… picking it up… setting it down… picking it back up again… setting it down… (sigh)