I’m not always good at practicing forgiveness.
It has not been easy for me to let go of a grudge, stop myself from stonewalling in a moment of intense anger, or finding myself “teaching” someone a lesson by making them “pay” for their mistakes.
I’m not proud of this part of me: this shadow self.
It has been a struggle to let go of my bitterness, my anger, over my past, and learn to forgive.
But it is imperative to my spiritual growth to do so.
My mentality of “you have hurt me… so now I will hurt you…” behavior, truly only adds to my own pain.
If I hold resentments over the past… over how I was hurt in the past… and use those resentments to punish, manipulate, and hold onto anger and despair in the present, than I am doing myself a great disservice.
I cannot choose to let go of faith, spiritual growth, and love and embrace my ego and my character flaws.
That is not the person I am today.
The person I am today must learn to forgive and let go and use my experience, strength, and hope to guide me away from the pain of my past and towards new and better actions for addressing hurt feelings in the future.
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“Dear God, help me to forgive. Help me to see that we all make mistakes and help me to right my behavior when I choose to act out of ego and anger.”
Daily Divorce Meditations 
D… I’m truly not sure what to do in this area of emotion but I’m working through it as best I can.
I am not a victim and will never try to be , even though my expressions/dialogues early on after I moved smacked of why me, I didn’t deserve this …
When you finally wake up to the fact that mental / emotional abuse was “daily life ” for several years going into the end of a marriage , (I’m such a “true blue ” mate and friend,) I have a hard time considering forgiveness .
And keep kicking myself for staying so many many years … And then getting “kicked in the teeth” and provoking the divorce.
When I make up my mind and I’m angry/ wounded I make up my mind for good – and I shut people off and just go away.
But as I realize I’m rebuilding my whole life, I’m getting flashes of letting this inner tough talk go.
Not sure how well I can continue to “let go and move on” if I don’t forgive and let my ex’s chips fall where they may.
Don’t know if I could ever say I forgive to his face, but I suppose I can say it to myself and to the “universe.”
I totally understand… you have to remember that I have over ten years away from my divorce… I have had a lot of time to turn it over and over in my hand and see all sides of things. I too suffered mental/emotional abuse… I just couldn’t hold onto the anger any more…. I had to forgive him… so I could move on….For me personally…. I wasn’t innocent in my marriage…. it wasn’t all one sided… we were young…. learned bad habits from our dysfunctional families and therefore “acted-out” a lot of scenarios that we thought meant we were in a “marriage” based on our experiences related to our families of origin. I felt oppressed at times and lashed out… I often played the martyr so that he would be punished by others when I felt I couldn’t get away with it… I have learned that that isn’t who I want to be… I have to forgive him… forgive myself…. and move forward…. I know you will find peace… maybe not forgiveness yet… maybe never… but I know you will one day find peace with this 🙂 D.
Thank you for your thoughts!
… I know you’ve had some time to heal and work through this more.
And I believe that time will quell the resentment.
I would never say or feel what we went through was one-sided, and I’ve not focused on him being the villain ( although friends and family have made remarks and have their own opinions), but he’d even be one to say I wasn’t “asking for ” what I was literally being put through.
Ironically , I think in some ways I’ve had a harder time forgiving myself. One of my mentors has remarked that this may need to happen before I can understand how to forgive him or at least finish “letting go” of the resentment.
You’re right … I will find peace with all this and it’s starting to happen.
Yes someone said that to me as well…. they said, “You are more upset over the fact that you stayed long after the expiration date than you are at losing him…” so true.