Over the course of my divorce there were several times I believed that a reconciliation was inevitable.
Part of it… was my own fantasy… my own belief… that suddenly something would magically “change” from the way it was in the past… and it would all work out.
Part of it… was my husband’s ambivalent behavior related to our relationship.
One day, he would be flirtatious, attentive, almost hinting that he was up for a second chance on our marriage.
On other days, he would be moody, sullen, almost as if he wanted to punish me for some relationship sin he felt I must have committed.
Each time he was kind and loving, I would get my hopes up and have several days where I would soar with joy.
Each time he was angry and hurtful, my world would topple down around me.
As time went on… and I witnessed this pattern replay over and over again… I realized that it was a bad habit: a habit that I would have to break.
We were both addicted to the drama of our relationship.
I began to listen to his words as if I were a quiet observer; noting them… but not reacting to them.
The more I became a witness to the moment, instead of a participant, I learned to step back from my behavior, and breakaway from our pattern.
I wasn’t able to change my bad habit “over night” but by practicing my new behavior, I learned to change it over time.
“Dear God, help me to breakaway from my past by practicing new behaviors for my future.”
You offer wonderful respect to him in all your posts. Speaks VOLUMES of you. We have ENDLESS SYMMETRY. XO
Thank you Brandi…
Margaret Mead the famous cultural anthropologist was once asked about her “three failed marriages” and she said, “I did not have three failed marriages, I had three different relationships that fit me perfectly for who I was at that time.”
I have great love and respect for my former husband… his struggles, our struggles, and the roads we both walk now separately, and still sometimes together in life : )
My time with him brought me to where I am today… and I learned many valuable lessons about love and life.
Pingback: September 19th: Breaking the Habit « missbrandicruz
Wow — habit is so true. I’ve had friends and family tell me that the majority of my waves of sadness, and irritation of being “alone” and starting over, are symptoms of breaking a major habit — my soon to be ex.
I didn’t realize until recently how I catered to everything he wanted and needed, excused the way he treated me (especially emotionally), and made excuses for what wasn’t working or what I was embarrassed about.
It felt like a cage in some respects. Yet, I didn’t ask for the key and should have several years ago. I can’t regret all of this, I have to learn. Some days working on breaking away from “the habit” is rough.
Well remember… the habit is chemical at first… we DO chemically attach to our mates! Then… we have to let go of “ego” attachment… that is ALWAYS a VERY difficult one for me… then we move into the true grief of loss…. heart loss…. you will have good days and bad but you WILL get through it!
This is exactly what I am going through. We’ve only filed for divorce 3 months ago but even though he’s already moved on with a girlfriend of almost 3 months, this is still our pattern. It has completed wiped me out and exhausted me on every level. It leaves me feeling confused, utterly sad, angry. Thibsis his pattern within just days switching between the two behaviors….I pray all day everyday, that I have the strength to move on….still waiting.
Tiffany it just takes time. So cliche but SO true. Three months is short term in the grand scheme of things and your EX is using the new person to keep feeling “HIGH” instead of dealing with the feelings connected to your relationship. Trust me. They can never sustain it with a new person. The same old problems come back and they are at square one all over again. You are feeling your feelings and reflecting and learning from this experience. I did a lot of walking, writing, hanging out with a friend who had gone through the same thing (we walked and talked for hours on end) really taking care of myself the first year. I got massages as much as possible to feel comforted and soothed and pedicures and anything to make myself feel better and stay in a routine! Every day it will get a bit better. EVERY day. Just keep moving forward. I’m here for you. D.
Hi, just missing your posts. 🙂
Lisa, I’m so sorry. I thought I had set my posts to post automatically while I was away and just realized they weren’t set that way this week. I have a cabin in the woods and when I go to write there I am almost completely off the grid. I hope you are having a good week. Know that I am thinking about you and the daily posts are set again. Start with Sept. 20th and move to today! 🙂 D.
Hi D –
Haven’t been here for awhile . Hope you’ll be posting again soon too 🙂
It was interesting that this post popped up as I opened this today
Next month will be three years since the divorce.
And I finally have some ” vindication ” that I wasn’t crazy when all this happened , and that my ex was truly desensitized and self absorbed during his intense multi-substance use. He was running but also looked at me with sadness as we parted.
He has stayed in touch with one of our close mutual friends intermittently. And saw them the other day.
His big adventure with his old time girlfriend isn’t what he thought , his head has cleared and went on about where I am , that this was the biggest mistake of his life , and his head is filled with chatter of guilt . He wishes it never happened.
Well it did , and the whole thing was insane , and it’s all turned out for the best.
I never thought he’d admit this , but now he can continue on his way…
I felt some relief that I am moving ahead now and have peace , along with a more fulfilling daily life.
I think they call that a “God Shot” and like I told you numerous times… it was bound to happen. It always does. So go ahead and enjoy it for a moment and then wish good thoughts for him. I am so proud of you for not getting sucked back into his “biggest mistake” rant. If he ever does decide to come back and if you ever decide you want him back, he can prove himself with a solid year of counseling! 🙂 I have a feeling though that you’ve moved on in a way that the door will never be open again and you know that better things are coming! Good for you! D.
Thank you 🙂
I really have moved on and “the door is not open” :).
I suspect he’s comfortable enough to remain in his current girlfriend/roommate situation – don’t think there are other options and he’s “living his decisions”. It will be best if he doesn’t contact me ; I think he had to get some of the guilt he’s feeling off his chest.