Every once in awhile, no matter how I try to stay on my spiritual path, keep to my moral high road, or work to follow my Higher Power’s direction, I still find myself wallowing in self-pity.

This self-pity almost always has something to do with losing a person that I loved.

It has always been hard for me to recover from a loss, especially when the loss is related to someone who chose to walk away from what I was offering: myself.

And when I fall into self-pity, I am left feeling wounded, abandoned, and disheartened.

When I am in this place of despair, I have learned to ask myself several questions which help to pull me out of my pain and back into a place of loving-kindness.

The questions are simple, but straight to the point:

1. Do I regret the time I spent with this person?

2. Do I regret the love I gave them?

3. Do I regret the memories of our time together? The things we created together?

4. If I had a chance to “do it over again” would I take it back? Choose to never have this person in my life?

My answer to each question is always the same… No.

Even though I suffer the pain of the loss now, maybe even regrets related to things I feel I could have done differently in the relationship, I know that the pain I feel is one of mourning and that mourning is how I pay homage to important people or events in my life.

The intensity of my emotion, of my attachment, reminds me that what I gave was valuable, that I was true to my heart, and no matter the outcome, I am thankful for my generous spirit and my bravery in being willing to share myself with another human being.

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“Dear God, thank you for bringing people into my life who have taught me how to love, and how to bear loss. Thank you for showing me that love is a gift that should be cherished.”

Sometimes I let my feelings control me and suddenly, I am overwhelmed with emotion and off balance.

It can be as easy as someone sending me an email saying, “Hey, can I chat with you for a minute? I need to talk to you about something” and the next thing I know, my stomach is turning, I’m running through a mental list of what I may have done to upset this person, and I’m focused on what might happen next instead of staying in the moment.

I have a bad habit of creating a story, running a thread, allowing my feelings to take over before I even know the facts.

When I find myself overwhelmed with emotion I have learned it is best to step back… to curb the feelings… until I do know what’s really going on.

Worrying, fretting about something that might happen in the future, is not going to help me solve the problem… if there even is a problem.

I must learn to quiet my mind and find focus in the moment.

The more I practice not letting my feelings gain control of me, the better I become at keeping a quiet mind.

Emotional turmoil will not help me walk my spiritual path.

Emotional turmoil will drive me off balance and create chaos.

Feelings are not facts.

I must learn to calm my feelings and wait for the facts so that I can logically approach each situation and then choose to “act” instead of “react.”

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“Dear God, help me to stay calm when feelings overwhelm me. Help me to make my decisions with a clear mind, a calm head, and a loving heart.”

When I was younger, before I really began to focus on my spiritual footwork, I believed that the No Contact rule was cruel.

How could I just stop talking to someone I once loved?

How could I act as if they never mattered in my life?

Would I really just walk by them; barely acknowledge their presence, as if they were merely an acquaintance?

It seemed that to follow the No Contact rule was a way to punish the person I had once loved, a way of skipping the moral high ground when ending a relationship.

But… as I grew older, I realized that the No Contact rule was not about the other person… the No Contact rule was for me.

I was able to see that by holding firmly to my rule, I was allowing myself the necessary time to heal by breaking away from the person I loved.

This was a way of creating space, so that I was able to:

Fall out of love…

Forgive…

Open myself up to the possibility of someone new…

But if I held on to my past… I couldn’t move forward.

The No Contact rule helps me to have control over the only thing I can control: myself and my actions.

The only way for me to let go of someone who no longer chooses to share their life with me, is by creating a significant amount of no contact time, while I work through my pain and my past to move forward towards my new life.

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“Dear God, help me to have the strength to keep my distance. Help me to be loving and kind to myself and allow myself the time I need to heal without an interruption in my spiritual process.”

One of the most unattractive aspects of my divorce was the amount of emotional manipulation that I dealt with while trying to separate from my husband.

I never knew which one of us was going to fight for the position of: victim, martyr, or punisher.

Each time I thought of how he wanted to leave me, leave our relationship, leave our family, I would become angry and want to punish him for every transgression he had committed throughout our time together.

Each time I felt betrayed by him, and sought out comfort from family and friends, the role of martyr, the long suffering spouse, arrived on the scene to protect my fragile self-esteem and comfort my bruised ego.

And when I was full of despair or fear… I could blame my husband for my pain, feel sorry for myself, believe that other people had it so much better than me.

My husband played his part in the game as well:

He embraced each role as fervently as I did.

I learned through this addictive emotional manipulation, that nothing was getting solved; neither one of us was moving forward, because we were always so busy acting out our attachment to our particular roles.

I had to train myself to choose not to engage… to catch myself when becoming a victim, a martyr, a punisher and walk away from a fight instead of instigating one.

Over time, this became a habit, and once I chose to no longer participate, the manipulation ceased.

It was so easy for me to fall into a destructive pattern when I was suffering but, by doing the spiritual footwork to become aware of my shortcomings, I was able to move away from each role and focus on what was truly important: forgiving the past, finding gratitude in my present life, and moving towards my future.

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“Dear God, help me to be kind and forgiving. Help me to move forward with love and compassion even when I feel unable to do so.”

Often, when I think of the word commitment I think of marriage: two people making a decision to abide by a certain code, embrace love, and share a common goal through their relationship and hopefully, throughout their life time.

But commitment is not just about marriage, it is about most everything in life, and there are times when I must look at my own commitment to people, ideals, goals, direction and decide what codes I am willing to abide by, what emotions I am willing to embrace, what goal I am ready to pursue so that I can commit.

If I am committed to making a relationship work then what does that mean?

What am I willing to do to succeed with another person?

What am I unwilling to put up with? Deal with? Do I have limits when it comes to my love?

Am I able to put in the time this person will need to make them feel wanted, cared for, secure in our relationship?

Am I willing to put their needs above my own at times if necessary?

Do I have the means to share my life with them spiritually, physically, financially?

Often times, I might commit to things in life: in relationships, friendships, jobs, education, without stopping to think what amount of commitment it will take from me to follow through.

It is easy to say “I commit” …to be caught up in a moment of joy, passion, or excitement and promise to commit to a person, and ideal, a goal, or a direction.

But I know today… that when I choose to commit… I must first spend quiet, contemplative time, and focus on my spiritual footwork to decide if I am truly willing to follow through on that commitment and that path.

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“Dear God, help me to be true to my word and pure in my intent. When I choose to commit help me to follow through.”

There are times when I let my thoughts run rampant in my head.

I often catch myself spending too many moments of my precious day obsessing over things I have no control over.

When my husband and I divorced, I would often wonder what he was doing? Who he was with? How I could fix things and bring him back to me.

I thought that once I had all of my thoughts worked out regarding our problems… that my obsessive thinking would stop.

But these days, many years after my divorce… I still catch myself obsessing over other things, other people, and I realize… that if I get into the habit of letting these thoughts run “rampant” in my mind… as I have in the past… and seem to keep doing in my present… I will end up with a lot of wasted moments.

I have to learn to control my thoughts, my obsessive thinking, and stay in the day.

It is of no help to me… or anyone around me for that matter… if I am unable to work with the reality of my present.

I don’t have time to ruin my day wondering why someone doesn’t want to be with me, or what they may be doing right now, or why that person at work snapped at me the other day, or why I don’t have exactly what I want in life, the moment that I believe I should have it.

Obsessive thoughts waste time.

I must train my mind to stay in the moment… to value what I have right in front of me… work to remain in the present and positive in my thoughts.

I must stop my obsessive thinking before I even start.

Obsessive thoughts can not help me to solve a problem. Obsessive thoughts cause me to become out of control, break my serenity, and keep me from living fully in the day.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my problems. Help me to calm my mind and give over my obsessive thoughts. Help me to stay in the day and value the moment.”

Sometimes change comes to me whether I like it or not:

A loss of a beloved friend or family member.

The end of a relationship.

A divorce.

These moments in time where I cannot control the situation are difficult… often painful… but I must mourn the loss and accept the change… so that I can move on.

But other times, I can see that change is necessary in my life and I must take action, even when it may be difficult to make a decision to do so.

I have never wanted to hurt someone through change, yet even when I strive to follow my spiritual path, or take the higher ground in my decision-making, it still may happen.

I cannot control what other people may feel or how they react when I make a decision that I feel is in my best interest.

What I know is… is that if I make my decision, with the best possible intentions, using a clear mind, and a kind heart, then I know that I have done what I honestly believe is right for me and anyone else involved.

I may need to take a break from a relationship for awhile to gain clarity regarding my emotions, or actions.

I may need to cut back on work if I’m struggling with balance and suffering in health, or in emotional well-being.

I may need to take an inventory of my life… and correct behaviors that I feel are not honest in intention.

Change is not about being selfish.

Change is about a reckoning… and understanding that something is “off” in my day-to-day life and it is time for me to make what I believe are positive changes to correct it.

Although change may be difficult for me, and for those I love in the short term, by being fearlessly honest about my need for change with those connected to me, I believe I am making the better choice over time.

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“Dear God, help me be fearlessly honest yet gentle and kind, when expressing my need for change with those I love and care for. Help me to make my decisions based on a sound spiritual foundation and not out of ego, pain, anger or fear.”