During my divorce, I would wake up in the middle of the night full of fear.
I would fear my own mortality, what my husband was doing and who he was with, being left behind without hope for the future.
The fear was so intense that my heart would pound, my body would feel the need to bolt out of the bed, and then… the grief would well up inside of me and I would cry big heaping sobs.

It was horrible to live in fear.

Fear overwhelms and controls you. It makes you feel that there is no hope… only despair. It keeps you out of faith. It makes you believe that you are being punished.

One night, I woke up and began the same horrible routine again. I felt the fear, I felt the need to bolt, and I felt the need to cry. But… instead of fighting it… I allowed it all to happen. I allowed myself to feel the fear… to feel my heart pounding. I allowed my body to get out of the bed, to bolt if necessary and then… I cried.

When my crying had ceased, I stopped… calmed down… and logically looked back at what happened.

Yes, I had fear about my mortality but that was a fear that I had long before my husband left home.

Yes, my body felt the need to bolt but that was just a basic animal instinct. I reminded myself that it is normal to feel the need to bolt when you are afraid. It’s your body telling you, “This is dangerous… you may be hurt… RUN!”

Yes, I had the need to cry but… who wouldn’t? I had been hurt. I had been betrayed. I had been let down by the person that I had given my love to.

Why wouldn’t I need to grieve? Why wouldn’t I need to express my sadness through my tears?

When I could calm down long enough to look at what was going on with my fear, I could see that it was really… a very logical, rational and natural reaction.

I was then able to take a deep breath, lie back down, and go back to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I had actually slept through the night. I had actually come to terms with my fear. I knew that I would feel these feelings again but now… I could look at the process that I was going through and come to terms with the loss of my marriage and my impending divorce.

“Dear God, help me to find strength in a moment of fear. Help me to calm my mind and find a logical and rational way to walk through the process and to become aware that it is a natural response that is helping me to overcome my recent loss.”

Sometimes there is a moment when you feel complete… calm and serene.

It is a moment of clarity in the middle of the storm you are walking through.

Feel the calm.

Enjoy the release.

Take that moment and fully explore it.

Breathe deep.

Doesn’t it feel wonderful to exhale and be relaxed and serene?

Feel the release wash over your entire body.

Relish the feeling of calm.

Allow yourself to sink into the moment of serenity.

Take the time to curl up into a cool, clean bed.

To bathe in a warm, soothing tub.

To walk through a quiet, green park.

Take that moment and rest within it.

Find a way to enjoy the calm to its fullest before the storm rises again.

We all walk through storms… unsure when serenity will come to us again.

We may wake to constant feelings of fear, anger, resentment, humiliation, and sorrow.

We may lose our center, our balance and feel lost.

It is difficult to feel calm as we walk through difficult feelings.

Accept when the calm sneaks up on you.

We don’t know how long it will last.

Enjoy it now for what it is.

Know that life will always have struggles, but at times of great stress, we can still take the calm when it comes.

“Dear God, help me to accept the calm when it comes. To enjoy the feelings of serenity that my body has long forgotten. Let me breath deep in the moment and enjoy the power of the calm. Help me to hold the peace of this moment while I am walking through the storm.”

Photo courtesy of: Bill Thompson

Sometimes we end up doing things we never thought we would do.

As my husband and I worked through our divorce, I sometimes caught myself saying things that I thought I would never say.

I never believed going into my marriage that our relationship would come to this point.

I had lost all trust in my husband.

I had lost all respect and yet… I would call him on the phone and beg him to come back.

I would take on all of the blame of the marriage.

I would pour out my heartfelt feelings to him, hoping to get him to see how hurt I was and then sit there and listen as he responded with verbal abuse and angry words and yet…

I would still beg him to come back.

I could hear myself saying, “If you come back I will do this. If you come back I will do that. If you come back I will never act that way again.”

I will look the way you want.

Be the way you want.

Think the way you want.

I couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of my mouth.

What happened to the competent woman who had held a family together and had proven time and time again that she could make it on her own?

She was lost.

She was hurt.

She was in fear… afraid of the unknown.

She was begging for a man to come back who had never truly been there for her and probably… never could.

She was hanging on to the fantasy.

Believing if she just said the right thing, did the right thing, looked the right way, that the fantasy would come true.

She was begging for her own happiness, something this man was not able to provide her.

She was begging for this man to stop her pain, the same pain that he had in part… caused.

She was begging for this man to stand by her, when he had already left her behind.

Don’t beg.

It will not help.

It leaves you feeling less than and it gives away your power.

If you have to beg for something… it is not worth getting.

What you want should be given to you freely.

You should not have to grovel for love and attention.

You did not beg your spouse to marry you.

Do not beg to stop the divorce.

Do not sell yourself short because of fear.

Do not beg for the good life that you deserve.

“Dear God, help me to stand strong on my own. To know that when the time is right you will provide me with someone who will give their love freely to me. Someone who will never make me feel it necessary to beg for their love. Someone who knows the value of my love.”

There is a saying: Don’t judge another’s outsides by your insides. When I first heard this saying I thought, I never do that! What a crazy thing to do. Then I realized, that I did this all of the time. How many times had I wanted a body just like another woman? A man who cared for me like a friend’s husband cared for her? Or a marriage that seemed to operate effortlessly? I had spent time-after-time in my life looking at what other people had. I looked at these people and believed that what they had was just what I needed to be happy. I began to wonder… What did other people see when they looked at me? Maybe other people looked at me and thought, “Wow, if I had what she had I would be really happy.” How silly is that! If they only knew. When they look at me and see a “put together” woman… do they know the whole me? Do they see the woman that spent years struggling with her husband’s addiction to drugs and alcohol? A woman who had to work two jobs and take care of two small child while putting herself through college? Do they see a woman who has just gone through a traumatic divorce? No. They see what I allow them to see. They see the image that I want them to see. The image that I project. Everyone projects an image but remember… it is just an image… It is not the whole person. Each one of us has trials and tribulations in our lives to walk through. No human being is free of suffering. No human being walks through life without pain. It is up to me to remember that just because a person looks happy… doesn’t mean they are happy. Just because a person looks put together… doesn’t mean they are put together. It is important to stop judging my insides by another person’s outsides. They do not have what I need. I have what I need. It is inside each and every one of us. “Dear God, help me to remember that what I need is inside of  me. I will not find happiness in what another human being has. Help me to accept that I am perfect just as I am.”