It is easy to get caught up in the fear of what other people may think.

During my separation, I was worried about people judging me… judging my marriage.

I didn’t like the idea that my personal life was on display for all to see and that if people didn’t know the details… they could just make up some of their own.

It was difficult not to “blurt” out my version of the whole entire mess of my situation.

It seemed that if I did just that… at least they would know my side of the story and I could rest easy believing that they would now “understand” me and therefore not judge.

But what was I to do?

Run around making sure everyone got it right?

Would that stop them from gossiping, creating their own opinions, judging?

Then one day, two very important things happened.

First, I accepted the fact that everyone has an opinion and there is nothing I can do to silence it: People will believe what they care to believe no matter what I say or do.

Second, while I was stepping up to tell yet another friend everything about my divorce to fend off a future judgement, they stopped me and started ranting about their own relationship problem in fear that I would make a judgement about them.

Right then and there I stopped speaking out to each and ever person.

I realized that just like me, each person I was choosing to talk to was worked up about their own problems, their own lives, and though my separation and divorce may have been interesting fodder for a few moments of time… it was not consuming their days as it was mine: they were dealing with issues in their own world.

It was funny to know that all of the time I was so concerned about what others’ thought of me they were actually focused on what I thought of them; worried that I would judge them unfairly for how they were dealing with the problems in their own lives.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of pride. Help me to focus on moving forward on my spiritual path instead of being caught up in my own ego.”

Recently, I was fussing to one of my trusted mentors about a relationship.

I was going on about how I thought my friend should do this and I thought they should do that and that if they would just behave the way I wanted them to… we wouldn’t be having any problems… when she stopped me and said, “Oh… so everyone should act and react on your time table? It’s your world and everything should be done as you say?”

I paused, at first a bit taken aback, when I saw the smile on her face and realized how ridiculous I sounded… how very rigid… when I always had proclaimed that I was so “open minded.”

The only person I have the ability to control is myself.

I cannot make people “jump” to my beat.

A relationship is bound by trust, love, and mutual agreement.

I have to be willing to accept the people I love “as is” and not bend them to fit into my world. Together we have to find a compromise that works to strengthen the relationship so that each of us feels valued within our commitment.

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“Dear God, help me to be understanding. Help me to let go of demands and control and work towards being fluid, fair and balanced.”

I am not a perfect person.

Each day, I struggle with choices I make and sometimes even emotional slips that I fear I will regret.

It isn’t always easy to make a choice of opposite action when worked up during an argument or when I have surrendered to a struggle with my self-esteem.

When emotions run high… it feels good, for the moment, to unleash my hurt feelings… to let the tears flow… or say all of the angry words that I have been holding inside…. but as soon as I have finished “losing control” the shame and guilt that consumes me, from acting as my shadow self instead of taking the moral high ground, sets me into a worse spin… and often generates more poor choices followed by more emotional slips.

Feelings are not fact.

And when I allow myself to be controlled by them, I tend to make decisions that do not bode well for me, or the people I care about.

It is hard for me to forgive myself in these moments where I lack self-control but, it is imperative to my spiritual growth to do just that, and work towards making a better choice tomorrow.

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“Dear God, help me to forgive myself when I make mistakes. Help me to learn from my choices, my actions.”

Over the last year in my life, I have been watching my ability to stay in the moment improve.

It used to be that I was either despairing over the past, or constantly striving to accomplish things, which kept me focused on the distant future, instead of paying attention to what was right in front of me.

What I have learned? The past… is the past. There is nothing I can do to change what has happened. I cannot magically go back in time and “fix things.”

I can however choose to behave differently today.

And the future?

I have faith in what is to come and I believe it is good to have goals… to have things to look forward to…. but not if I’m using them to distract myself from the present.

The only moment I have is now and it is important to learn to find satisfaction and contentment within it.

I have accomplished many things in my life by setting my sights on the future but often, once I would achieve my success, I would immediately put it to the side and focus on the next goal on the horizon instead of ever stopping to relish in it.

Today I know that wasting my precious time on despairing over what I did in the past, or quickly moving on to “the next big thing,” leaves me living in a world that doesn’t really exist.

In front of me… right now… is this day.

I need to focus on making the most of it and living it fully… aware of my surroundings and how precious this time truly is.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my future and my past and stay firmly focused on the present. Today is the only day I may have… help me to live it to the fullest.”

When overwhelmed by pain and despair… When my mind spins a loop of negative feedback… I find that the only way out of my unhealthy cycle is to put a plan into place and stick to it. It does not have to be a grand plan… which in moments of desperation… would be too overwhelming to even conceive. It just needs to be a plan to get me out of my head and through the day. It can be as simple as making a list of things I know that I can control and accomplish: Getting up at a specific time. Making the bed. Exercising. Going for a cup of coffee. Meeting up with a friend. Whatever will keep my mind active in the moment and unable to ruminate over my problems. I have found that it really is the small things in my life that can set me off in the wrong direction or, for that matter, the right direction. If I find that my mood is sour… that I am unable to stop my negative thinking… I correct my action by putting a plan in place and following it until I am able to right my attitude. _ “Dear God, help me to find balance. Help me to go step-by-step throughout my day when I am struggling, taking care of my needs and focusing on the moment.”

I often think back on my divorce as an odyssey. Like many of the Greek heroes that I learned about when studying in school… I was so focused on my own ego and other people’s flaws that I lost my way. I was hurt. I was reacting out of pain and self-pity. I was worried about people’s perceptions of my marriage and their speculation on my divorce and I was so sad over the loss of my marriage that I didn’t want to continue on. But I did continue on and each day I set out to find answers to what went wrong, what was my part in it, and what I now wanted for my own life. There were constant mental and physical obstacles. I struggled, I became humble, I asked for help, and soon I was moving forward. It wasn’t easy to admit that I played a part in the end of my marriage… to let go of ego and embrace humility. But by doing so, I become a stronger person today, by admitting that I too have flaws and that I too need to work on obtaining clarity and self-knowledge from my experience and my journey. – ” Dear God, help me to let go of ego in search of humility. Help me to be honest about my part in things so that I have the ability to be a better person in all of my relationships.”

During my marriage, I could be very hard on my husband in relation to my own expectations, standards, and resentments.

If he did not “walk the line” according to my standards… if he did not “follow through” according to my expectations… I would become angry and resentful and often times, never let him live it down.

When I first looked back on my part in the downfall of our marriage, I would get stuck in shame related to how I behaved and wish fervently… that I could take it all back.

But today, I look at it much differently… instead of becoming caught up in regret… I see my past “shadow” behavior as a gift.

I let the film of those moments play out in my mind and when I am tempted to begin expecting things from those I love, or setting them up to fail at my rigid rules and standards or… refusing to forgive them no matter how they may try to make it up to me… I am reminded of how I want to live my life today: without behaving as a punisher, when I don’t get my own way, and without clinging to the illusion of control.

My expectations… my standards… my resentments are exactly that: mine.

I am not the “boss” over any other human being.

They have their own expectations… their own standards… and of course their own resentments.

If I truly love someone, if I truly want them in my life, I have to be willing to be flexible and see the situation and ultimately the world from their perspective as well as my own and come up with a relationship that works for both of us: fluid and flexible instead of rigid and bound by control.

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“Dear God, help me to see all sides of a situation. Help me to step away from my own fixed ideas and open my mind to a world view.”

Lately, I have been participating in a roll that I had hoped to never play again: the victim to someone’s punisher.

It was a roll I often found myself in during my marriage, and then my divorce, and it was not a role I relished.

My husband used to punish me for the smallest infractions:

If I was late for any given reason, even if it was an unforeseeable event that had caused my tardiness, he would punish me by either brooding over what he saw as a disrespect to him personally, an infraction, a slight, on my part or choose to take his attention… time… away from me to prove his point until he was sure that I had been wounded in return.

If I shared feelings with him that made him feel uncomfortable. If I had needs or concerns or tried to express my anger or frustration calmly and logically, he accused me of ruining his day… his mood… and I would find myself apologizing for even bringing things up.

This did not keep an open path of communication between us.

It was a form of mental terrorism that kept me in my place.

Because of his punishing behavior, we were never able to work as a team…. to find a relationship that worked for both of us…. to set goals and find a way to accept each other totally.

And as the victim, I time-and-time again swallowed my own feelings and needs while being left emotionally and often physically… abandoned.

Today, when I find myself falling into the Victim role…. I do several things:

I speak to a trusted friend who will help me work through my emotions.

I allow time to pass and my emotions to cool before I address the issue.

I then hold my ground and express my needs in hopes that we will be able to amend the situation.

And I have learned, if I feel that I have done everything in my power out of love and respect to change the dynamic and remedy the situation yet the cycle continues, then maybe it is time for me to rethink the relationship and allow some space to bring me clarity.

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“Dear God, help me to step out of old patterns that no longer serve me. Help me not to take on another person’s issues and to stay working firmly on my side of the street.”

After grieving the loss of my marriage, and accepting that divorce was inevitable, I began the arduous task of spiritual footwork. I knew that if I chose to resign myself to my fate, and not look at my part in things, that nothing would really change in my life. I would be the same person and most likely end up gravitating to the same type of relationship. It was important for me to take a fearless moral inventory and have a willingness to change. My willingness appeared when I relinquished the illusion of control and accepted the idea that maybe my Higher Power was trying to get me out of my own way. That maybe… there was a better plan for me on the horizon if I would just let go and have faith. By allowing myself this attitude adjustment, and admitting that maybe my plan was not the best plan, things began to change in my favor almost immediately. It started with small moments of clarity and growth. And as my self-esteem returned, my willingness grew, and I became witness to my progress. My days became full of clarity and growth. Footwork is not easy. It is difficult to look at feelings, work through issues, admit wrongs, analyze character defects, but today… I am a stronger person because of my commitment to be willing, to have faith, and to work on cleaning up “my side of the street.” – “Dear God, help me to accept that my life is in progress. Help me to move forward with my spiritual footwork and have faith in your plan.”