I have a good friend who always says, “What someone is saying to you says more about them….. then it does about you.”

She shared this thought with me because I was always taking things people said about me… to heart… and allowing myself to be hurt by their comments.

I caught myself acting is if this “source” this “person” who was speaking to me… was somehow like my Higher Power: “all-knowing.”

As I began really listen to others, with my friend’s words in my mind, I realized that she was right.

I began to see motives behind many of these hurtful statements and most often it was related to that person’s own filters, their self-esteem issues, their character flaws, and suddenly… I could see that nothing they were saying really had anything to do with me.

This helped me to begin listening to people without reacting.

I began the habit of waiting 24 hours before responding to a particularly snarky or cruel comment. I learned by giving myself time to think, to calm my emotions instead of automatically reacting, I could then assess if there was any truth in the statement. I could decide if there really was something that needed to be discussed with this person who was being particularly unkind, or what I needed to ignore, or “let go” of completely.

I have found by stepping back and listening for hidden motives before reacting to a conversation, I can save myself hours of worry, resentment, frustration, and anger, and learn to have empathy for a person who is in too much pain to be kind to me at the moment.

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“Dear God, help me to step back when I find myself struggling to remain calm in any situation. Help me to see that others have their own issues and flaws that they may be projecting onto me and let me share my compassion with them and find grace in my actions.”

It is easy to find myself angry when I am confronted with someone else’s deceit but what about my own?

How many times have I been dishonest in my acts or in my statements?

How many times have I misrepresented the truth or concealed it from another?

How many times have I used deceit because I was too afraid to tell the truth? Too afraid to make a decision? Too afraid of someone’s reaction?

When I become enraged by someone else’s deceitful behavior… I need to take a step back and think about the situation before making a move.

Why did this person feel the need to be dishonest?

Were they worried that I was unapproachable?

That I would judge them for making a mistake?

Like me… were they afraid to tell the truth? Afraid to make a decision? Afraid of my reaction to their needs?

Sometimes a situation warrants my compassion and empathy.

When faced with deceit, I need to look at my own struggles with honesty before jumping to judge and condemn those around me.

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“Dear God, help me to be pure and true in my intent. When faced with another’s deceit, help me to listen with a loving heart and put judgement aside.”

Today I live in constant gratitude for the gifts my Higher Power bestows upon me.

I am thankful for my family, my home, my health… for my friends, my job, my creative endeavors.

I have learned that even in my darkest times… I have been able to find a balm to soothe my pain and despair by counting my many blessings.

We all experience loss in our lives but we still must look to find the good that surrounds us.

Gratitude reminds me that though I may not have everything I want in life, I have everything that I need for today.

I am blessed to live a life full of daily reminders that I have much to be grateful for.

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“Dear God, thank you for the gifts you have given me. Help me to find gratitude even during times of pain and despair.”

I used to have a bad habit of always expecting people to “get with the program” on my time line.

I often wondered, Why can’t they see what I see?

Or thought It would just be so easy if they did… this!

Today I know that I cannot force anyone to “see” something or “do” something until they are willing or able to do so.

I also know that I cannot spend my precious time waiting and hoping that they will.

I can offer my experience, strength, and hope.

I can share my love and time.

But in the end… it is up to that person to have their own aha! moment… and therefore I must stand back, with patience and allow them to find their way.

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“Dear God, help me to offer my wisdom with patience. Help me to allow others to grow on their own time and to walk their own spiritual path.”

Recently I was involved in a friendship that left me unsettled and resentful.

I felt that I had given my all to this person and that they hadn’t appreciated it.

I began to act out each time I spoke with them until finally, I stepped away from the relationship to gather some perspective.

But privately, I allowed my thoughts to continue to run rampant as I blamed them for everything that had gone wrong.

I couldn’t understand why when I had tried so hard to show how much I valued them in my daily life, how much I loved them, how understanding I was to their situation, that they still chose to act unacceptable within the boundaries of our relationship.

I was hurt and I was angry.

After a few weeks of distance, I realized that the person I was really upset with… the person I was really blaming for the downfall of the friendship was: Me.

By tolerating unacceptable behavior in my friend, by offering trust freely without question, I had broken my own boundaries and limits.

I had chosen to hurt myself.

I was abusing myself with blame… unwilling to forgive myself for being gullible in my choices.

But… blaming myself does not help me grow as a spiritual person… and blaming someone else leaves me stuck in the past, resentful, and unable to move forward in the present.

I must learn to be kind to myself.

It is okay to make note of my mistakes and flaws, and work to improve my own behavior, but… I must also learn to value all of the good I bring to a relationship.

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“Dear God, help me to be kind to myself. Help me to let go of my past errors and forgive myself the mistakes I have made.”

Today I spent the afternoon laughing with an old friend.

We were caught up in the moment, enjoying each other’s company and reminiscing about a time period that used to be terribly painful for me to think about: the end of my marriage and my inevitable divorce.

My friend was close to both my husband and I during our marriage and so, he was able to impartially, make fun of the way we had often behaved as a couple: when we were in love… and when we were at war.

His expressive storytelling, showcased all of our flaws in a fantastic comic parody that left me barely able to breathe.

It felt good to be able to finally laugh at the past… to find comic relief in the moment… to reminisce without pain or despair.

To find joy in what was once misery, was a marker to me that I had truly moved on and was now able to walk forward with love in my heart.

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“Dear God, thank you for the humor and joy you bring to my life.”

Today I know that I am not willing to give up my serenity over trivial concerns.

There was a time when one unkind word, one misunderstanding, one inappropriate action could rob me of a day’s worth of serenity.

I would dwell over conversations that had ended in confusion, fret over situations that had taken a bad turn, or stew for hours on end over a perceived wrong done to me.

One day, a good friend was listening to me fuss about a specific situation that I was unhappy about and they said, “How will you feel about this a year from now? Will this have any bearing on your life? Your future? Is it that important?”

The truth?

It wasn’t.

What I was going on about would be forgotten in a matter of days.

Why waste one moment of my precious serenity on something that is not important in the long run?

I must let go and make serenity my first priority.

I must keep my head in the joys of the day and not waste precious moments on what I cannot control.

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“Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I met someone just this last summer who I had admired for years.

This person seemed to have everything I had been looking for in regards to my own writing career:

He was a successful screenwriter in Hollywood.

He had an academy award for a screenplay he had written.

He was established, respected, and living the life that accolades like that can purchase: one of status and financial security.

Yet when we were together eating lunch one day, I listened as he went on-and-on about how he hadn’t accomplished enough, hadn’t made enough money, wasn’t asked for in Hollywood like he used to be, and was worried that he would be replaced by the “new” up-and-coming writers.

I was speechless.

I couldn’t imagine anyone being unhappy with the gifts he had received, or not proud of all he had done, but he truly felt that he had failed.

I left our meeting and drove home in silence and thought about my own personal journey.

How many times had I thought, Oh if I just have that… I will be happy?

Too many.

After my divorce I said that so many times:

If I can just buy a house of my own, I’ll be happy.

If I can just achieve the highest degree in school, I’ll be happy.

If I can just become a successful writer, I’ll be happy.

If I can just find a kind and loving partner, I’ll be happy.

I was fortunate: My Higher Power granted me all of these things and yet I still struggled with my elusive ideal of total happiness.

It is good to set goals.

It is good to work towards something in life.

But to ignore the journey, set on the destination, is to lose all perspective for the present and to miss out on the daily joys of the struggle.

It is like walking on a forest path, ignoring all of the beauty around you, as you center on reaching the end of the trail.

Today, I know that I must find my happiness in the moment, that I must find my happiness in the journey. If I am walking my true spiritual path, there will be joy as I move forward towards my goals.

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“Dear God, help me to stay in the moment. Help me to see the joy in all that I do today.”

After my divorce, I took time to heal from my painful wounds before beginning the task of dating again.

I waited a year, sure that I had mourned the loss of my marriage a reasonable amount of time, and positive that the spiritual footwork I had completed would lead me to make good choices when looking for a new partner.

But… I found myself still unable to clearly navigate.

I tended to pick partners similar to my ex-husband… not necessarily in looks; but definitely in words and actions.

The men I gravitated towards, had character defects that felt familiar, even comfortable to me and I used my present partners to play out old hurts.

I soon realized that I was not ready for dating.

Why?

Because I was repeating old patterns and expecting different results.

I was afraid to move away from what was familiar to me even if it brought me pain, even if I knew that type of relationship would no longer work in my life.

After several more months of spiritual footwork, I felt ready to set out once again.

I had a new and different idea of what I wanted in a relationship: I was ready to look for a partner who was available, respectful, loving, and able to commit fully to me as we worked together towards a common goal.

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“Dear God, help me to move forward without repeating the past. Help me to see that I have nothing to fear by letting go of old behaviors that no longer suit my best self.”

I can be very hard on myself at times, and was especially so while going through my divorce.

I was constantly berating myself for everything:

If only I had looked my best throughout our marriage, kept off that extra five pounds, exercised more…

If only I hadn’t nagged so much…

If only I had given in, been more understanding…

I could come up with a million reasons to tear myself down, beat myself up, sure that the end of my marriage was my fault.

Then one day, I was listening to a friend in pain, share her own doubts about her abilities. Each time she began a sentence with “If only…” I comforted her, was gentle, compassionate and reminded her that her divorce had damaged her self-esteem and once time allowed her to heal, she would be able to see again that it wasn’t all her fault, that she was a wonderful and lovable person, and that we all make mistakes in our relationships that we wish we could correct.

As I heard my words soothing her pain, I wondered why I had never been this kind to myself.

Self-criticism is a punishment I no longer want to afflict.

I have suffered enough.

I must find away to forgive myself, be kind to myself, and know in my heart that I did the best that I could.

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“Dear God, help me to be kind to myself. Help me to see that I am not perfect, that I make mistakes, but that I must learn from them and forgive myself for them.”