I had been spending a lot of time thinking of my husband and his new life. I imagined that everything I had tried to give to him for the last 17 years, would “magically” come to him now… now that everything I had tried… had failed… and suddenly… magically… everything would work for him once I was gone.
It was self-abusive.
I would create these elaborate fantasies about what he was doing and who he was with. My head would make up these amazing stories and I would let my mind “swim” in them until I was drowning in despair.
I told my program counselor and she immediately taught me the Three Second Rule.
She said that when I felt one of my “elaborate” fantasies coming on, I needed in the first second… to become aware of it: to fully realize that I was about to take myself to a place that I did not want to go.
Then, during the second, I was to say out loud a command to stop myself from continuing my negative fantasy such as: Stop! or Cancel!
And during the third second, I was to practice opposite action which meant, taking a positive stance instead of a negative one like; praying for good things to happen for my husband and for everyone who was now involved in his current life.
I thought I would never be able to do it.
But… I went home, and later that day, tried it out. I went for a two-mile walk through a park near our home where I often went to unwind. As I walked, I caught myself starting in on my negative thoughts. I did what my counselor had told me: I became aware. I said “Stop!” out loud and I prayed for good things to happen to my husband and everyone involved in his new life and then… I continued walking.
Not more than a few steps later, I found myself in negative thoughts again. I repeated the process. By the time I had finished my two-mile walk, I had practiced The Three Second rule over 20 times! I could not believe how much I had been allowing my mind to wander into negative thinking.
I saw that not only was the first second of the exercise making me aware but, that by completing the entire exercise, I was becoming spiritually aware of the amount of time I had been wasting on this practice. I was spending my precious time, my new life, wallowing in negative fantasies instead of moving forward on my own path.
I continued on with the practice for the rest of the day and the next day, and when I saw my former spouse, I could not believe the difference in my behavior.
I was calm and centered.
I was able to listen to his problems and concerns with a cool head.
I did not react to his actions.
By praying for him… I had released him…. And by releasing him… I had released myself.

“Dear God, help me to overcome my need to dwell on negative images. Help me to see that I am only hurting myself by holding on to this false vision.”

I once heard someone say, “My imagination is a scary place… I can never go in there alone.”

I agree.

It is a scary place.

I have spent a lifetime creating amazing images in my mind. Most of the time, I use them for positive purposes: to tell my children an exciting story, to write a song, to sketch a picture, or to visualize a soothing, beautiful place when I am feeling down. But sometimes, my imagination gets the better of me.

When I’m in a bad space, if I let my mind wander freely, picturing every negative outcome to a situation, I do myself damage. If I allow my imagination to run wild, unchecked, it can take me to places I never wanted to go. It’s like rolling a negative tape. Repeating a vision over-and-over again until you become overwhelmed and sure that what you imagine is what the outcome will be.

Yes, the outcome could be a negative one: there are no guarantees that bad things won’t happen in life.

But why choose to be filled with despair?

Why choose to reinforce the bad?

Why not choose to reinforce the good?

If I find myself going to a bad place, wouldn’t it be easier this time to say, “Stop the tape!” or “Cut!” and change that image?

Wouldn’t it be better to my sense of self and serenity to use my imagination to my advantage instead of my disadvantage?

Next time I will shout, “STOP!” Don’t go there. Don’t live in despair. Don’t live in the negative. It may never happen so why live in such a nightmare?

I will focus on the positive and let my imagination take me to a better outcome.

“Dear God, help me to use my imagination in a positive way. Help me to use it to create beautiful images, positive outcomes, and serene places, where my mind can float freely and serenely.”

I had hoped that this wouldn’t happen in my life.

I had hoped that my husband and I would not divorce.

I had hoped that my children would not have to go through this painful experience.

I had hoped that something would change.

I did the footwork to prevent the divorce from happening.

I went to counseling, I worked on myself, I tried to meet my husband’s needs, I gave it my best.

I was willing.

I hoped that it would work… but it didn’t.

At first, I felt that I had failed.

That my hope had been pointless.

What good was hope if it didn’t bring the desired outcome?

I found myself filling up with despair.

Letting go of all hope for my future.

I only found hope in fantasy.

I hoped that we would someday get back together.

I hoped that he would call and change his mind.

I hoped that he would come home, come back to me, and be the man I needed him to be.

This was not true hope.

This was despair.

This was “false-hope.”

A make believe hope that I was using so that I did not have to let go.

So that I did not have to look at the reality of the situation.

So that I could live in my fantasy.

The fantasy of making my marriage work.

I had spent over half of my marriage hoping that we would not divorce.

I had spent over half of my marriage hoping that I could make it work.

I hadn’t been able to see that I had been living in false hope for a long, long time.

I had been living in fantasy for over half of my marriage.

I was so caught up in my idea of hope that I hadn’t even seen the signs.

My marriage had not been working for a very long time.

It was time for me to give up my false hope and have true hope.

I know hope that my husband will someday find peace and happiness in his life.

I hope that he finds everything that he could not find within our marriage.

I hope that I will find peace and happiness and everything that I could not find within our marriage.

Hope is believing, trusting that something good will come my way.

Hope is relying on my Higher Power to bring me the happiness.

Hope is trying your hardest, doing your best, and accepting the outcome of the situation.

You know that you hoped for the best.

Why would you hope for the worst?

Accept what has happened and find hope again.

Hope is trust in your Higher Power to bring you what you need in life.

To bring you to true peace and happiness, not the fantasy that was created by having false hope over something that was not to be.

“Dear God, fill me with true hope. Let me trust that things are exactly as you want them to be. Lead me out of despair and into reliance that you will provide for me what I need.”

Waking up in the morning while I was going through my divorce was very difficult for me.

I would have a moment of quiet peace before the reality of my life once again hit me.

My husband had left me.

He wanted a divorce.

There was nothing I could do to change that fact.

It was what I believed to be the worst moment of my day.

It was like waking from a gentle sleep to a true nightmare.

I would lie in bed for several moments after my realization and long for what was no longer mine.

Listening in anticipation that his footsteps might once again come down the hall.

Waiting for a phone call to come where he would take back his decision and we would once again unite.

Longing was tearing me apart.

Longing was keeping me living in the fantasy.

These things were no longer a part of my life.

I would have to mourn the loss and move on.

I would have to find something else to long for, something in my present, or something in my future.

But, longing for something in my past would do me no good.

It would not bring what I once had back.

If I allowed myself to continually dwell on what was no longer mine, I was then only causing myself more pain.

From then on, I allowed myself a moment each morning to accept the reality.

My husband was gone and I was getting a divorce.

Then, a moment to mourn and long for the life that I once had.

And then… a moment to look forward to the new life that lay before me.

“Dear God, help me to let go of my longing for what I had in the past. Longing for something will not bring it back. Longing for someone lost will only cause pain. Help me to look towards my future and the happiness it will bring.”

I used to keep a gratitude journal on a nightly basis. I could always see, when looking back through the pages, when I had had a good day and been in a calm, spiritual place… and when it had been a bad day and I was withdrawn and dismissive.

On the good days, my gratitude list would include things like: my healthy children, my Higher Power, my home, my job, my intelligence, and my strength.

On a bad day, my list would say: pizza, this bed, being left alone.

I used to thumb through the pages and see how many days I had been truly grateful and how many days I had gone without gratitude.

I had to laugh at the days when all I could list was a piece of pizza but, at least it was something.

When I began to go through a really trying time during my divorce, I stopped keeping my gratitude journal.

I neglected my daily practice and I became more and more obsessed with my husband and what he was doing.

I was sure that his “new” life was so much better than mine… that he had everything that he had ever dreamed of and I had nothing.

I could not believe my lack of gratitude.

My sister reminded me one day that my situation could have been so much worse.

I snapped back, “Oh I see, life gives me lemons so I should make lemonade right?”

She paused a moment and then said, “No, that isn’t what I am saying. I am saying that you are a young, beautiful, talented woman. A woman who has an education and a job. A woman who has two beautiful children who love her and want to be with her. A woman who has a home, a car, and food on the table. A woman who has friends and family to support her in this troubled time. I’m just reminding you, that many people who walk through divorce, do not have these things. They lose their homes. They lose their children. They have no job, no education, no friends or family to help them through. You have a lot to be grateful for today.”

She was right.

I was so busy worrying about what my husband might have that I could not even see what I did have.

That night, I began to keep my gratitude journal again. It is a daily reminder of how much I have to be grateful for and it keeps me from losing sight of the miracles in my day-to-day life.

“Dear God, help me to keep an “attitude of gratitude.” When I feel that I have nothing to be grateful for, help me to take an inventory of my life and find the good in all that I do have.”

I was coming home from a trip. It would be the first time that my husband wouldn’t be there to pick me up. I hadn’t really thought about it until we pulled into the dock. I saw women on the boat start waving to their significant others. I saw their lovers, boyfriends, husbands smile and wave back.

I was so hurt.

Where was my husband?

Why had he chosen to leave?

Why couldn’t I have him here to pick me up?

My heart hurt just to think of it.

I was so terribly sad.

I started to pick up my luggage and walk down the ramp to the terminal. I hated that I felt so alone. I hated that I didn’t have a husband to pick me up anymore. I watched the other couples and then, I started to think…

I didn’t know what was going on in their marriages. Yes, they had husbands to pick them up. Yes, they might be a couple but that didn’t mean that they were happy. How many times had my husband come to pick me up and been angry that he had to do it? How many times had he been upset when the boat I was on was late? Or the plane?

We looked happy to everyone else who saw us but I knew, as soon as he had me alone, he would let me know how I had put him out by having him come to pick me up.

How many times had we argued in the car all the way home?

I was missing something I never truly had.

I was wanting what the other couples I saw had… not even knowing if they were truly happy.

Who knows what goes on in another person’s life?

Who knows what goes on in another couple’s marriage?

They have their own problems to work out and their own happiness to find.

I was feeling sorry for myself.

So I didn’t have a husband to pick me up. So I didn’t have something that someone else had. That didn’t mean that I was worse off for it. It wasn’t better or worse… It just was.

I needed to stop wanting what other people had and be happy with what I did have. Someday, maybe I would have a husband to pick me up from the boat, to wave and smile, and maybe we would be truly happy.

Today though, it is just me. I can choose to be miserable… to wallow in self-pity for what I don’t have… to believe that if I just had what others had that I would be truly happy or… I can choose to smile, to wave, to walk the ramp from the boat… alone… and be happy with what I do have; myself.

“Dear God, help me to appreciate what I have, instead of longing for what I want. Help me to remember that what I want may not be what I truly need.”

Photo Credit: Paul Bradley

https://www.flickr.com/photos/pcbradley/

You never know where you will hear words of wisdom.

You never know where your story will be told.

I am reminded time and time again to stay open to conversations that present themselves.

I was sitting on a bench, looking out towards the ocean.

I had been camping all weekend and the boat skipper of the camp was preparing his boat to head into town.

I noticed him walking my way but believed that he would walk past, leaving me to look out over the sea alone. I really didn’t want to talk. I really wanted to be left alone. He walked up to me though, and sat on the bench next to me.

We both looked out at the ocean.

He waited a moment before he spoke. He pointed to a group of students who were out in the cove, tipping their kayaks and laughing as they fell into the water.

He said, “Look, their lives are full of endless possibilities.”

I thought to myself, Yes… you are right… their lives are full of endless possibilities but I have lived my life and it hasn’t turned out the way I thought it would.”

I felt I had no endless possibilities left.

He seemed to pick up on what I was thinking and said:

“A year ago I was retired from the Coast Guard, living in Virginia, running a power plant. I believed that my life was what it would be. That there were no more endless possibilities. Next thing I knew, I received a call from a friend in the Coast Guard who told me that the boat skipper of his camp was retiring and  they were looking for someone to take his place. My wife and I sold our home, grabbed our kids, and now… we live on this beautiful island in a house by the ocean. So you see, there are always endless possibilities.”

He smiled…said that he had to get back to work… and left never knowing that he had just said exactly what I needed to hear.

Had I turned my back on that moment, had I chosen to get up and walk away, I wouldn’t have heard it.

He was right.

My life was full of endless possibilities.

Age had nothing to do with it.

Being open to the experience is what it’s about.

Stay open to the unexpected conversations.

They provide a wealth of wisdom if you just stop and listen.

“Dear God, help me to hear your voice in the words that other’s speak.”

During my divorce, I would wake up in the middle of the night full of fear.
I would fear my own mortality, what my husband was doing and who he was with, being left behind without hope for the future.
The fear was so intense that my heart would pound, my body would feel the need to bolt out of the bed, and then… the grief would well up inside of me and I would cry big heaping sobs.

It was horrible to live in fear.

Fear overwhelms and controls you. It makes you feel that there is no hope… only despair. It keeps you out of faith. It makes you believe that you are being punished.

One night, I woke up and began the same horrible routine again. I felt the fear, I felt the need to bolt, and I felt the need to cry. But… instead of fighting it… I allowed it all to happen. I allowed myself to feel the fear… to feel my heart pounding. I allowed my body to get out of the bed, to bolt if necessary and then… I cried.

When my crying had ceased, I stopped… calmed down… and logically looked back at what happened.

Yes, I had fear about my mortality but that was a fear that I had long before my husband left home.

Yes, my body felt the need to bolt but that was just a basic animal instinct. I reminded myself that it is normal to feel the need to bolt when you are afraid. It’s your body telling you, “This is dangerous… you may be hurt… RUN!”

Yes, I had the need to cry but… who wouldn’t? I had been hurt. I had been betrayed. I had been let down by the person that I had given my love to.

Why wouldn’t I need to grieve? Why wouldn’t I need to express my sadness through my tears?

When I could calm down long enough to look at what was going on with my fear, I could see that it was really… a very logical, rational and natural reaction.

I was then able to take a deep breath, lie back down, and go back to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I had actually slept through the night. I had actually come to terms with my fear. I knew that I would feel these feelings again but now… I could look at the process that I was going through and come to terms with the loss of my marriage and my impending divorce.

“Dear God, help me to find strength in a moment of fear. Help me to calm my mind and find a logical and rational way to walk through the process and to become aware that it is a natural response that is helping me to overcome my recent loss.”