I had been with my husband for so many years that when we began going through our divorce, I felt truly lost.

I felt like I had no direction and wasn’t sure where life was taking me.

Some friends thought this was great.

They could see endless possibilities in my future.

I could only see my fear.

I was scared of what lay ahead of me.

I had so many hopes and plans for both of us.

It felt like we had walked through so much together, that we had come so far as a couple, and then… our dream was snatched away.

I needed my own direction now but I found it hard to navigate in such emotional turmoil.

I decided that the best plan for me would be to work towards goals I had first set within the course of my relationship with my husband.

Those goals weren’t so scary; it wasn’t too much of a change to start working on them now.

I looked at what I had planned for myself during the time we had been together:

I had planned to get back in shape.

I had planned to be closer to my children by being in their day-to-day lives, and engaging with them more.

I had planned to return to school to get my advanced degree and I had planned to begin playing music again.

I made a conscious decision to work on those things.

I found comfort in the familiar.

These were goals, dreams that I was used to… I had set my sight on these goals for many years.

Now… was the time to act.

I began by exercising and eating healthy. I worked hard to take care of myself.

I spent time each day playing with my children or just sharing intimate conversations with them.

I went to the college and picked up my paperwork to apply for the graduate program and I began to play local shows with my band again.

It was a new start in the right direction.

Suddenly… I stopped feeling lost.

Sometimes change can be so big that we can’t bear it. But if we start with small, comfortable steps… steps that may have begun in our “former” lives… they can carry us over into our new beginning.

“Dear God, help me see your new direction for me. Let me have the strength to get out of my own way, and follow your path, the one that you have chosen for me.”

After my husband left, I found that my divorce had filled me with an immense grief.

I missed so many things about my relationship.

I tried to look at the logic, the truth: that “we” didn’t really fit together anymore as “life partners.”

That we would both be better if we moved on, worked on our behaviors, and walked a new path…

but it just wouldn’t work.

I would miss one good moment we had shared and forget the ten bad ones.

Sometimes, logic can’t carry us through.

Sometimes we have to put logic aside and walk through our problems with acceptance.

Each time I caught myself thinking about the past, fantasizing about what “had been,” I allowed myself to enjoy the moment, relive my happiness, and then I said a silent prayer and thanked God for giving me that time with my husband. I accepted that THAT time had passed.

Acceptance is the bridge that carries us over our river of grief.

I found I had  to mourn the loss of what I loved, but accept that it was now over and that I would find wonderful new memories on the other side of the bridge.

“Dear God, help me to accept life as it is. Help me to let go of the fantasy of the past and walk bravely into my future.”

Everyone has a time in their life when they feel that they can’t take it.

Not one more minute.

Some problem, some trauma, some emotional spiral that threatens their inner core.

Don’t give up.

It may seem impossible to get through this trying time, but if you just keep moving forward, you will get through it.

Don’t give up.

Think of all of the others, who have walked through this pain before you… know that you are not alone.

Don’t give up.

It may feel like things will never get better, but they will.

It takes time to heal from wounds.

It takes time to mend from hurts.

Don’t give up.

Keep walking on the path of life and through its many twists and turns and even when it seems too difficult to walk one more step…

Don’t give up.

Around the next turn in the path may be that beautiful new road you have been looking for.

Don’t give up.

Have faith, keeping walking… “this too shall pass.”

“Dear God, help me to continue to move forward through my pain. Give me the strength I need to work through this troubled time in my life. I find faith and hope in your power.”

The day of my wedding anniversary had been difficult.

I wondered if my husband, wherever he was that day, even remembered the date.

It was hard to know that I wouldn’t be receiving flowers.

I wouldn’t be going out to dinner with him to celebrate.

It marked the end of a chapter in my life instead of a “new beginning” of another year of marriage together.

I knew that by staying home and dwelling on my disappointment, I would only fall into a deeper depression.

I decided that the best I could do would be to go out and enjoy the time on my own.

I planned my own special evening.

I had dinner with one of my close friends.

I shopped for a special book I had wanted at my favorite bookstore.

I worked out at the gym and went home to take a relaxing bath where I soaked and read my newly purchased book.

I had to let go of what would not be.

I had to find enjoyment in what I could… and accept that things had changed.

Anniversaries will be hard.

So will holidays.

Remember what joy you had, and create new joy to soothe your sorrow.

“Dear God, help me to find peace. Help me to let go of what was and fill my life with what is… let me find the small moments of joy that will soothe my weary heart.”

I had been placed in many difficult situations in my life but for some reason, my divorce hit me the hardest.

I was devastated by the loss and had many setbacks on my road to recovery.

I would cry uncontrollably or call my husband hoping I could convince him to come back…

I would blame myself for the end of our marriage and beg God to please change things…

I felt like I was walking on a path and every time I made a few strong steps, someone would come up behind me and knock me down to the ground.

If I tried to get back up, it felt like I was being knocked down again.

In the past, over the course of my entire life, I had always believed that no matter how many times you were knocked down, you got up and you tried again.

This time… my belief in this idea could not carry me: I just couldn’t see the light at the end of the path.

I was tired.

I was hurt.

I felt lost without my husband.

I didn’t want to get back up and try again.

A good friend had to remind me that this was a natural feeling.

That I would take a few steps forward and then feel “life” knock me back down to the ground

She related it to her own experience with divorce and promised me it would get better if I just kept moving forward and accepted that sometimes I would have setbacks.

She urged me to hold on a little while longer… she told me that she could see my progress even if I could not.

Life is full of setbacks.

Some… are more difficult than others.

I realized that this setback was a terrible one for me because my marriage had been difficult and I had fought against divorce for so long.

I had hoped it wouldn’t happen but after so many years, my worst fear came true.

I was getting a divorce.

The loss of love is a great one.

It cannot be minimized.

Walking through this loss is extremely painful but you must continue on the path, stand up, brush yourself off, and start walking again.

“Dear God, help me to accept my setbacks as a natural part of my recovery. Help me to find strength in the moment, and continue to follow the bigger path that you have planned for me.”

I was thankful for the support of my friends and family while going through my divorce.

I had several strong women in my life, who had dealt with the pain of their own divorce and had grown through the experience.

They offered their wisdom, strength, and hope on a daily basis.

I knew that I could call anyone of these women at any time and they were willing to listen patiently to my fears about my future and my regrets over my past.

They understood that I had to talk openly about my divorce, so that I could find the courage to walk through it.

They didn’t need to offer me advice… all I needed was someone to listen… to be compassionate… to understand my pain.

Knowing that others had made it through such a trying experience, gave me hope that I would come out okay, once I reached the other side.

I was so thankful to have such wonderful support.

A close network of friends and family is an invaluable asset when you are going through a traumatic situation in your life.

“Dear God, thank you for the friends and family who are able to provide me support. Their strength, kindness, and experience help me to walk through my own pain.”

I did not come easily to the conclusion that I needed to define my own truth.

I had spent my whole adult life going to my husband for “truth.”

If he said something good… or bad… I believed it… heart and soul… his words became my truth.

I never looked at the fact that this man had a pattern of lying to me throughout our relationship.

That he had slipped back into addiction, several times, and often hid his disease from me.

It didn’t seem to matter that he had proven time and time again that he struggled with the character defect of lying: I still hung on every word, as if his words defined everything about me.

During our divorce, I could see his dishonesty. I knew it was happening yet… I still caught myself looking for him to validate my reality.

I would call him, expecting him to be honest with me, to comfort me and tell me: You were a good and loving wife.

Or… I’m sorry it didn’t work out, I know how hard you tried.

And on a good day, sometimes I got lucky and… he would say exactly what I felt I needed him to say.

But on a bad day, my worst fears would be confirmed.

You could never make me happy.

You never supported me when I needed you.

He could create my elation or drive my despair with his words.

It didn’t matter what he said, good or bad, I took it as the truth and it ruled my every thought and action and controlled my emotions.

I realized that I needed to work on finding my own truth and not letting another person rock my foundation so easily.

I thought about my own truth:

Was I the type of person that I had wanted to be in our relationship?

Did I feel that I had been a good, supportive wife?

Had I been a committed spouse?

Only I knew the true answers to that and if I knew who I truly was inside, that I had done my best with the tools that I had, then there wasn’t anything anyone could say, good or bad, that would have power over me again.

I had spent years allowing someone else to dictate what was real in my own life.

It was time for me to find what was real inside of myself.

“Dear God, help me to find what is real inside of myself. Help me not to seek confirmation of the person I truly am from another. Their opinions and thoughts have no hold over who I really am.”

I never realized how much power my husband had over me until we began our divorce.

I started to understand that he was like a “God” to me.

I believed that if I made my God happy… I would be rewarded. If I made my God angry… I would be punished.

I had put him up on a pedestal and because of this, I could not look at things clearly during our divorce.

My perception of what he was had caused my thinking to become skewed and clouded.

I started to believe that he had not been at fault in any way. I started doubting his part in the downfall of our marriage.

It didn’t seem to matter that he had become unwilling to work on our relationship…

that he had moved out and left me with our children…

that his behavior towards me after our separation had been “less than kind.”

I couldn’t seem to remember how bad things had been before our break-up.

I started to believe that if I had behaved differently, none of this would have happened…

If I had worked harder, initiated counseling sooner, given him more space, anything, we would still be together and things would be fine.

People outside of our marriage, who were close to us, couldn’t understand where I was coming from.

Friends who were mutual to us kept reminding me of everything that had gone wrong.

No one can truly know for sure what transpires between two people in a relationship except for those two people, but often, people outside of the emotional turmoil can lead a “clearer” perspective.

They kept asking me, “Why do you take every word he says as the gospel truth?”

“Why do you give him so much power over you?”

“Have you forgotten that he has a part in this? Have you forgotten that?”

I started to see that we both had contributed to the downfall of our marriage and that a lot of my part in it had been putting my husband in the position of my Higher Power.

I had sacrificed myself believing it would make him happy and when it didn’t… I felt betrayed and used.

I had made him into a punishing God and I bought into believing that I should be punished.

I allowed him to punish me but now, I didn’t want to be punished anymore.

I had to remind myself that I did the best that I could in our relationship.

I had to remind myself that I had been willing to work on our relationship up until the day he said that he was unwilling.

I had to remember that I had allowed myself to believe that by worshipping his needs that I would be loved and cared for in return.

Putting my husband in a the position of Higher Power over my life had left me feeling powerless.

I had to look to a new Higher Power, one that was not human, one that could lift me spiritually and protect me from harm:

A kind and loving Higher Power instead of a punishing, benevolent, human one.

“Dear God, help me to walk with you. Help me to see that we are all equals on this Earth. No man or woman has power over another.”

I was at work one day when I suddenly felt overwhelmed with emotion.
I missed my husband so much.
I still wanted him back and I was mourning the loss of my dream.
I was passing papers back to my students when one of them noticed that I was beginning to cry.
He asked me what was wrong and my tears started to fall.
I tried to stop, but the kindness of his asking, left me vulnerable.
I was worried that my students would be upset. Here, their role model, was breaking down inappropriately at work.
They all looked to me for an answer and so, I decided that I could use this as a “teaching” moment.
I reached for a tissue and began my story.
I told them I was very sad about my divorce and that sometimes, the emotions just came out whether I wanted them to or not.
I asked them if they had ever been so sad, that they had experienced an emotional outburst.
Most of my students had some type of experience that had carried emotion over into their everyday lives.
We talked a bit and they said they were sorry I was sad.
Emotional outbursts do not have to be embarrassing.
They do not have to be made into a “big deal.”
Emotions are natural during times of sadness, change, and stress.
By calmly walking through the experience, and being honest with others, I could come back to a place of serenity.
I had been fighting to hold everything in yet… by letting it out and letting it go… I was able to move on.
I was able to regain my footing.

“Dear God, help me to be easy on myself. During times of sorrow, help me to express my feelings, pray for release of my pain, and move on with hope into my future.”