When I first went through my divorce, my feelings and my memories were so intense that they often hindered my progress in the present.

I spent so much time examining what had happened in my past, turning over each and every memory to see if it held the answer to what went wrong, that I wasn’t living in the moment.

I found myself unable to recover from my pain because I was constantly reliving it.

These memories had such a hold on me, that when friends would suggest places to go or things to do in my hometown, I would decline the invitation. Why? Because each location held a memory related to my marriage, or to my separation, or to my divorce, and each location held pain from my past.

I was worried that when I went out, people would ask me questions like, Where is your husband? Or… What happened? You two seemed so happy?

I was living in fear and soon, I was in a prison of my own making: I was trapped emotionally and physically in my mind and I knew, that I must stop ruminating and find the courage to move forward.

It took a lot of spiritual footwork but I was able to make it through to the other side.

Today, if I catch myself dwelling on my past, I look at the moment, exam it, allow myself to feel the emotions it brings, and then I turn it over to my Higher Power.

If someone asks me about my relationship, I am kind in my response and simply state the truth: We are no longer together.

If I am asked out to events at locations that may hold past memories, I willingly accept the invitation and choose to create new, wonderful memories there with friends and loved ones that want to be part of my life, that invite me to share time with them.

The past is the past.

Yes, it often holds the answers to our choices, our behaviors, what we need to work on in the present, but I cannot be a prisoner to it for if I am, I have lost my way on my spiritual journey.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my painful past. I have learned the lessons you have wanted me to learn now let me walk bravely into my future.”

In my marriage, I often tolerated a great deal of unacceptable behavior.

I thought that by tolerating it, I was showing how willing I was to work on the relationship, how much I loved my husband, how I was always ready to “suffer” to prove my loyalty.

But what I was really proving was that I had no boundaries: That I would willingly take anything and still participate in a relationship that was not in my best interest.

Today I know, that I cannot sit idly by and allow someone to walk all over me.

That does not prove my unconditional love to that person… that only teaches another human being that they can basically act without any responsibility or consequence for their choices in our relationship.

No matter how I may love and want another human being in my life, if I catch myself allowing all behaviors, even those that are unacceptable to me, or finding myself feeling victimized each time I try to give my all, then it is time for me to look at my own unacceptable behavior: my behavior of people-pleasing at the detriment to my health, emotional, and spiritual well-being.

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“Dear God, help me to keep fair boundaries in all of my relationships. Help me to love myself enough to make changes in my own behavior and the strength to be responsible in all of my choices.”

Today I heard someone say, “We don’t know how strong our faith is until it is tested.”

I immediately felt myself tune into the moment. It felt like my Higher Power had specifically placed this conversation in front of me, as if trying to get my attention.

It worked.

I have learned that each time I walk through a trial, a test, and come out the other side, my courage builds and my faith strengthens.

I have suffered many painful losses in my life, and yet I have been able to make it through each crisis and move forward.

It takes courage to walk through despair…

It takes courage to make decisions that are difficult to make…

It takes courage to stand up and keep walking on a spiritual path when it feels like the Universe is knocking us down.

But each time I rise, strong in my faith, full of courage, I am reminded once again that life will always be full of hardship and pain and that I must stay my spiritual course, and let faith and courage guide me through troubled times, so that I will find peace and happiness, once again, on my spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to remain strong in my faith. Help me to have strength when I feel lost and alone.”

It has been many years since my divorce but still, there are people that come into my life, similar to my husband in behavior, that bring out my old ways of “bending to make myself fit” into the relationship.

The first time this happened, I was quite surprised at how quickly I fell back into my old patterns.

I was amazed at how easy it was for me to spiral into my past, pivot from my direction, and suddenly work myself around this new person’s needs.

After awhile, I became worn of being this shadow version of myself.

I was so busy trying to make myself likable and lovable to this new friend that I hadn’t even looked at the relationship to see if it was really working for me: it wasn’t.

I was becoming frustrated, upset, disheartened that no matter how much I bent to this person’s needs, I was still left feeling that I hadn’t done it right… or I hadn’t done enough… or I was somehow lacking and therefore… unlovable.

Soon, I was beyond miserable and I knew that I had lost my way on my spiritual path. I had slipped into my old behaviors using the similarities between my new friend and my ex-husband to recreate a past that hadn’t worked for me then, and certainly wouldn’t work for me now after so many years of growth and spiritual footwork.

I had to step back from the relationship and let time and distance put my actions and my life back into perspective.

It isn’t easy letting go of someone we love, or someone that feels familiar to us… but if I am unable to be my best self when I am with this person… if no matter how hard I try I still fall into my old and destructive behaviors when I am near them… then I must take time apart to complete more spiritual footwork in hopes that I can revisit the relationship again as my true self… not my shadow self.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my old ways. Help me to move forward on my spiritual path in all of my relationships, showing my true and best self to those I love and care for.”

During my divorce, it was hard for me to accept my changing circumstances.

I was sad that my husband had left, sad that my family life had changed, and mourning the loss of my dream.

Accepting those changes seemed impossible.

How was I to move forward when I could barely get my head out of the past?

It took many months of constant contact with my Higher Power, intimate conversations with the people I trust and love, and time spent on my own spiritual footwork.

By taking the time to work towards my future, and getting out of my own way, I was able to move through the sadness and pain and accept all of the changes over time.

Today, I remind myself, when a change seems hard to accept, of that time in my life: my divorce, when everything seemed so insurmountable.

It reminds me that I do have the ability to accept change and that if I approach my problems with a willingness to understand that change in life is inevitable, and accept my feelings so that after time, I can move through them, then I will end up in a better emotional and spiritual state: one that keeps me in a place of acceptance.

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“Dear God, help me to accept where I am at in my life today. Help me to understand that life is ever changing and I must believe in your direction even when I feel lost on my path.”

There were times during my marriage and later, my divorce, where I struggled with resolution.

It wasn’t always easy for me to make a firm decision to do something or for that matter… to not do something.

I was often worried that if I did make a decision… it would be the wrong one or…

If I decided to choose to “not act at all”… I was basically accepting behavior I found intolerable.

This inability to resolve myself to making a decision, left me in limbo and in a state of fear: too afraid to accept any action and constantly worried that I would be blamed for my choices.

But then, after spending time looking at my character flaws, I realized that my inability to commit was due to my “all or nothing” attitude and my way of letting emotions rule my world.

Now, I know that I must make decisions, even if at times it is uncomfortable to do so. I also know that my decision to act… or not to act… can be just “for today” and modified as needed if I find my first decision is not working to help move me forward on my spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to make decisions with a clear mind. Help me to move forward on my spiritual path, and out of limbo, through the choices I make.”

Often when I am walking through difficult times, the stress begins to take a toll on my mind and body.

During a crisis, it is easy for me to begin sleeping poorly, eating poorly, skipping physical activities, and suddenly, the situation that was already difficult to handle is now overwhelming.

I must remember that when I am in pain, suffering, struggling to get through, I must use this time in particular to make sure that I am doing all I can to relieve the stress of the moment by working my hardest to take care of my basic needs in a way that will contribute to my overall health.

If I am able to keep stress from ruling my life, I will be able to be at my “best” self while working through a crisis.

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“Dear God, help me to maintain a steady routine of good health during critical times. I must be able to take care of myself, so I will be able to make the best choices to move forward on my spiritual path.”

During my marriage, and later in my divorce, I lived with resentment:

Resentment over expectations I had related to my relationship and my husband.

But now that years have passed since my divorce, and I have had time to reflect on my marriage, I see that I spent a lot of time creating my own resentment by not living in reality.

Did I have a right to set boundaries in my marriage?

Yes.

Did I have a right to have a certain set of shared ideals with my spouse?

Yes.

We have a right to create parameters of acceptable conduct in all of our relationships.

But… when a person I love continues to repeat a behavior time-and-time again, and I expect that behavior to magically change, I am not accepting the situation for what it is… I am waiting on the fantasy.

The reality is… if I find another person’s behavior completely unacceptable then it is up to me to make the choice:

Do I change my attitude and learn to accept it?

Do I make a stand, hold my ground, and create consequences for their actions?

Or… do I re-evaluate my commitment to that person and look at the possibly that it may never be a good fit?

To let go of resentment and move forward on my spiritual path, I have to be honest.

It may result in letting go of someone I love to save my own sanity but over time, I will see that it is best for both of us to walk our own spiritual paths that match our chosen code of conduct, rather then harm each other by staying in a stagnant relationship full of anger and resentment.

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“Dear God, help me to accept life on life’s terms. Help me to be true to myself and honest with those that I love.”

In relationships and life, I have learned that I have to check my motives in my actions and my words.

I spent many years of my marriage trying to “people-please” or speaking “around a subject” in hopes of getting my desired outcome.

Today, I try to think before I speak, to think before I act, and check my motives before I speak out to manipulate another person or situation.

If my motives are pure:

Giving without expecting in return…

Loving with boundaries that I can live with…

Speaking up if it is necessary to solve a problem or…

Staying quiet when my words will only exasperate the issue…

Letting go out of kindness or need and not out of anger or frustration…

Then my motives help me to walk forward on my spiritual path and I can make choices with a clear mind and a loving heart.

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“Dear God, help me to be pure in my words and deeds. Help me to have compassion and kindness with all of my motives.”

Sometimes, even when I know it is not in my best interest, I slip and let someone back into my life who I really should be keeping my distance from.

Usually, it is when I’m feeling melancholy or nostalgic, especially around a special event or the holiday season.

When I’m caught up in the moment, it seems that I am being foolish, silly actually, and that I should just let this person know that I miss them.

But the problem is… my feelings change from minute-to-minute… especially, when I am recovering from a loss or a break-up.

One minute… I do truly miss that person terribly… but the next minute… I’m afraid that if I open the door even a crack, they will come back into my world, hurt me, leave me suffering, once again in pain and despair, and then I will have to start the process of healing my broken heart all over again.

I know that it is hard to keep my physical and emotional distance when I so long for the attention of someone I once loved or still love, but I must make a concentrated effort to stay the course,  and allow time to heal my wounds.

I must not be hard on myself when I slip… I am not perfect… I will falter now and again but, it is in my best interest to stay away until I can make a sound decision regarding contact.

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“Dear God, help me to move forward on my path and allow time and distance to heal my heart.”