Archives

July 23rd: Begging

Sometimes we end up doing things we never thought we would do.

As my husband and I worked through our divorce, I sometimes caught myself saying things that I thought I would never say.

I never believed going into my marriage that our relationship would come to this point.

I had lost all trust in my husband.

I had lost all respect and yet… I would call him on the phone and beg him to come back.

I would take on all of the blame of the marriage.

I would pour out my heartfelt feelings to him, hoping to get him to see how hurt I was and then sit there and listen as he responded with verbal abuse and angry words and yet…

I would still beg him to come back.

I could hear myself saying, “If you come back I will do this. If you come back I will do that. If you come back I will never act that way again.”

I will look the way you want.

Be the way you want.

Think the way you want.

I couldn’t believe that these words were coming out of my mouth.

What happened to the competent woman who had held a family together and had proven time and time again that she could make it on her own?

She was lost.

She was hurt.

She was in fear… afraid of the unknown.

She was begging for a man to come back who had never truly been there for her and probably… never could.

She was hanging on to the fantasy.

Believing if she just said the right thing, did the right thing, looked the right way, that the fantasy would come true.

She was begging for her own happiness, something this man was not able to provide her.

She was begging for this man to stop her pain, the same pain that he had in part… caused.

She was begging for this man to stand by her, when he had already left her behind.

Don’t beg.

It will not help.

It leaves you feeling less than and it gives away your power.

If you have to beg for something… it is not worth getting.

What you want should be given to you freely.

You should not have to grovel for love and attention.

You did not beg your spouse to marry you.

Do not beg to stop the divorce.

Do not sell yourself short because of fear.

Do not beg for the good life that you deserve.

“Dear God, help me to stand strong on my own. To know that when the time is right you will provide me with someone who will give their love freely to me. Someone who will never make me feel it necessary to beg for their love. Someone who knows the value of my love.”

July 22nd: Judging Another’s Outsides by Your Insides

There is a saying: Don’t judge another’s outsides by your insides. When I first heard this saying I thought, I never do that! What a crazy thing to do. Then I realized, that I did this all of the time. How many times had I wanted a body just like another woman? A man who cared for me like a friend’s husband cared for her? Or a marriage that seemed to operate effortlessly? I had spent time-after-time in my life looking at what other people had. I looked at these people and believed that what they had was just what I needed to be happy. I began to wonder… What did other people see when they looked at me? Maybe other people looked at me and thought, “Wow, if I had what she had I would be really happy.” How silly is that! If they only knew. When they look at me and see a “put together” woman… do they know the whole me? Do they see the woman that spent years struggling with her husband’s addiction to drugs and alcohol? A woman who had to work two jobs and take care of two small child while putting herself through college? Do they see a woman who has just gone through a traumatic divorce? No. They see what I allow them to see. They see the image that I want them to see. The image that I project. Everyone projects an image but remember… it is just an image… It is not the whole person. Each one of us has trials and tribulations in our lives to walk through. No human being is free of suffering. No human being walks through life without pain. It is up to me to remember that just because a person looks happy… doesn’t mean they are happy. Just because a person looks put together… doesn’t mean they are put together. It is important to stop judging my insides by another person’s outsides. They do not have what I need. I have what I need. It is inside each and every one of us. “Dear God, help me to remember that what I need is inside of  me. I will not find happiness in what another human being has. Help me to accept that I am perfect just as I am.”

July 12th: Knowing

???????????????????

There came a moment in my divorce, when I truly knew in my heart that it was over, and I accepted things for what they were.

I didn’t cry.

I didn’t exalt.

I didn’t shout angry words or curse my former love.

I just sat quietly and embraced the truth: that I was at the end of my marriage and grieving the loss of my dream.

I had fought for so hard and so long that I was exhausted from my emotional battle, weary from my broken heart, and numb at the prospect of rebuilding my world.

I wasn’t sure where to begin, but begin I did, and though it was one of the most difficult changes in my life, time moved me through the pain of the moment, and I began to find my way.

I know in my heart, that for me, endings will always be sad… change is never easy… and beginnings will always generate a certain amount of fear.

But I have learned, through my experience, that relationships and life, are ever changing, and that if I can love the moments I have had… instead of despairing over the moments that I believe I have lost… I will have so much more of life to embrace and so many memories to hold dear.

“Dear God, thank you for the gift of love. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share part of my life with another human being.”

July 2nd: Taking Care of Myself

July 2nd Once during my divorce, I was in the company of a a group of  people who were known to be “care-takers.” We were all laughing, basically making fun of our own character flaws, when someone said, “I knew I was a caretaker when I bought new underwear and socks for everyone in the family except me yet my own socks and underwear were full of holes and ripped elastic.” We all stopped laughing, paused and looked at him… at first he thought he had really shared something inappropriate but after a moment, everyone started laughing again and pulling ripped elastic underwear bands up over their skirt top or pant top, as each and everyone of us showed him some type of destroyed under garment. That day, when I got home, I looked around and noted that everything in my life was in shambles and that I had not been taking care of myself because I was so focused on the despair of my divorce. I soon came to the realization that if I was not taking care of myself, I would be unable to really make headway in my spiritual footwork and ultimately move through and past my pain to become a stronger individual, ready for a new life and maybe even a new love. I immediately emptied my drawers of my worn out clothing, made my bed, straightened my home, showered and then began to put my paperwork in order before calling a friend to head out to the park and go on a walk with me. Taking care of myself, physically, mentally, emotionally is important to my overall well-being and if I choose to neglect myself, I will not be at my best to handle life… or specifically… a crisis. By taking care of myself I put “first things first” and in that way… I can be there for those I love, in particular, my children, who need to see that I can “feel” during a difficult time in my life but also that I can “maintain” a sense of balance when my world has been upended. – “Dear God, help me to take care of myself. Help me to set things right in my own world when I am feeling out of control or full of fear during a crisis.”

June 18th: Acceptance

June 18th-Acceptance

I have been struggling lately with accepting things as is.

Worked up and frustrated, I kept fighting to get things “back on track” not realizing that I was following my own agenda and not my Higher Power’s guidance.

Signs were all around me yet… I kept running up against the same emotional wall and then stepping back to get a running start and bash up against it again.

Yesterday, my friend and I were talking about our divorces and I was reminded how once I accepted the change in my life, my relationship, everything began to fall into place on it’s own and my heart began to heal.

Acceptance allows me to “get out of my own way” and let go of fighting a hopeless inner battle where I an unable to relinquish my illusion of control.

Acceptance does not mean that I have to like the way things are today but it does mean that I understand that life must be lived on life’s terms and that I am wasting much needed energy, that should be put towards solid spiritual footwork, by fretting over things I cannot change.

_

“Dear God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

May 3rd: Space

Pine Glades Lake, Everglades National Park, FL

I often become attached to my idea of a relationship and… sure that I absolutely know what’s best… push forward with all of my will.

One of my best friends recently said to me that this is one of my best and worst qualities: that when I love someone… I give my entire heart freely and bravely.

But I am learning that sometimes… it is best to give passion a bit of a space… to see if it is the intensity that is driving my feelings.

It is easy to fall in love: the feeling of newness… like a drug… is addictive and seducing.

But I have to look past that at the person that I am with and decide: Is this the best partner for me?

Slowing things down, giving the relationship space, allows me to do just that.

If I stay in the relationship just to “experience” a feeling of euphoria brought on by the newness of it all… then I’m not being true to myself.

I must use space to let the intensity cool and decided if within the confines of a particular relationship if it is a complimentary bond for both myself and my new partner.

If not, I must be honest, and let it go.

“Dear God, help me to be humble and truthful in all of my relationships. Help me do what is best for all involved.”

April 22nd: Being Made Aware

April 22nd-Being Made Aware

When my husband and I were first divorced, I was absolutely sure that he was entirely at fault.

Our relationship, though full of love, had been a long and difficult one and I was positive, that I had had to put up with more from him over the years than he had from me.

But as I began to move through the pain of our divorce and look at my own part in our marriage, I became aware that there were things I could have done differently.

At first, as I came to this realization… I couldn’t help but beat myself up thinking, If I would have done this or if I just wouldn’t have done that… things would have worked out and everything would be fine. We would still be together.

But that is not an honest truth.

For our marriage to have worked out, we both would have had to change our behaviors radically and there was still no guarantee that we would have been successful in the end:

Marriage is difficult even in the best of situations.

After I grieved about my mistakes, and allowed myself to wallow a bit in self-pity, I got to the real work: looking at what I had done, my part in things, admitting that I wasn’t a saint in my marriage, and becoming aware of my own character flaws so that I could work towards becoming a better person in my present and future relationships.

Last night, I was asking someone for something I wanted in our relationship and worried that I was sounding like a “harpie” or making the situation worse. I said, “I don’t want to badger you about this…”

And their reply?

“You are not badgering. You are making me aware of your needs and if I am aware, I can work towards meeting them.”

I was thankful for their willingness to listen, to change, to move forward in our relationship together… both of us working towards meeting each other’s requests and I was reminded once again that being made aware can lead to more spiritual footwork but… will eventually lead to a stronger spiritual foundation if I have the courage to face my character flaws and work towards letting them go.

“Dear God, help me to be willing to change. Help me to listen to requests from those I love with an open heart.”

March 19th: Perfectionism

March 19th-Perfectionism

When I was married, I often asked my husband to help out but when he did… I would sometimes criticize his work and end up completing the task on my own.

I see now that this was damaging to our relationship for several reasons:

I let my husband know that I did not value his contribution.

I made him believe that he was incapable of doing any task as well as I could.

And… I set myself up to never ask for or receive help because no one could live up to my standard of work.

My perfectionism was not only hurting the person I loved, it was also helping to keep me overwhelmed, weary, worn, because I refused to share the burden of my load with others who were willing and wanting to help.

Today I know that my perfectionism is a character asset and a flaw.

My perfectionism ensures that I will give a job my “all” my best work.

But… my perfectionism also gets in the way of my own spiritual growth and it keeps those around me from feeling needed and valued.

It is in my best interest, to let go and let others participate in my life.

I must accept help and I must accept that they are completing the task as best they can and praise them for their work.

_

“Dear God, help me to let others in. Help me to step aside and allow others to share my heavy load.”

March 18th: Fear

March 18th-Fear

Sometimes I find myself so overwhelmed with day-to-day life that my mind becomes engulfed by fear.

Fear of things I have no control over.

It always seems funny to me… how struggling with commitments can turn into struggling with fear.

But… it always makes sense when I break it down to one simple fact: loss of control.

Whenever I am feeling out of control in day-to-day life, that is when fear sets in.

It is at this time that I know I must quiet my mind and focus on small tasks to return to a calm sense of balance:

Folding one pile of clothes.

Mailing off a bill.

Making the bed.

Sweeping the porch.

Each chore may seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things but order in my daily life releases my mind from chaos, clutter, and fear and allows me to focus on what truly matters:

Progressing on my spiritual path instead of wasting my precious time lost in a state of panic.

_

“Dear God, help me to let go of fear and calm my mind. Help me to complete each small task so that I am able to move forward towards bigger accomplishments.”

March 17th: Celebrations

March 17th- Celebrations Today I look forward to celebrating with my family and friends. Joyous events remind me of how lucky I am that I am surrounded by so many loving people in my day-to-day life. To turn off the cell phones… To step away from technology… To share good food and good conversation… laughter and good will… soothes my soul and calms me in a way that nothing else can. It is important to set time aside to celebrate with the people I love. These celebrations are significant markers… wonderful memories of my life. Today, I am reminded it is not about money… or education… or work… or chores… It is about embracing my family… and holding them close during these lovely shared moments. _ “Dear God, thank you for the gift of joy. Remind me to always set time aside to celebrate with those I love.”