Tag Archive | Alcoholics Anonymous

October 5th: Isolation

Oct5

It’s easy to feel isolated when in the midst of a break-up.

It often seems that everyone is “coupled-up.”

That each pair seems happy and content.

That you will never find someone of your own to love; who will be a part of a new healthy relationship with you.

When everyone around you seems satisfied and at ease with life, it can leave you feeling isolated and alone.

When I felt isolated in my divorce, it was difficult for me to reach out and make social connections.

I felt like every bit of joy and kindness I witnessed when watching another couple “in-love” seemed like a slap in the face.

Where was my special person?

Where was I to find someone who wanted me?

I knew that isolating during a trying situation would do nothing more than drive my own sadness and despair so… I made a conscience effort to do the things I loved; solitary things… where I could still have some sort of minimal social connection to help me make it through to the other side… like:

Walking in the park…

Playing with my dog…

Going to the bookstore…

Exercising at the gym…

And during those times, I found that their were other people, strangers usually, also on their own, who would wave hello as I walked, stop to pet my dog as we played, ask me about a specific book at the store, or share a joke or a story as we worked our circuit through the gym.

And it was enough.

Enough to keep my bitterness and gloom at bay.

Enough to keep me smiling… even if for just one minute of that one day.

Solitude is good for the soul but isolation… leaves us lonely.
–

“Dear God, help me to step out of my own way and search to find compassion and connection in other human beings.”

October 4th: Anger

Oct4

During my divorce, I often felt angry.

There were days when it seemed everyone was given the privileged to enjoy the “gift” of my wrath.

I would snap at my children, my friends, my students, my co-workers only to be mortified after my outburst: humiliated that I had “acted out.”

At first I thought that this displaced anger was really an emotion that should be directed at my soon to be ex-husband but then, I realized, the person I was most angry with was myself.

I was angry that I had not expressed my anger in a healthy way to my spouse: during our marriage… or during our divorce.

We would often fall into battles of blaming, judging, yelling, and that did nothing more than increase our anger.

It is not healthy to hold anger in… but it is not healthy to be abusive when letting anger out.

I learned during this trying time that I had to express my anger by emphasizing my needs and by not engaging in another battle.

If I could not be mature enough to express my anger in a constructive way… then maybe I needed to step back from the situation and wait until I could.

It did not mean that I had to hold my anger forever… It just meant that I had to hold my anger until I could express it safely.
–

“Dear God, help me to remain calm when expressing my needs and wants from another human being. Help me to see that they are doing the best they can on the path you have chosen for them.”

October 3rd: Time

Oct3

When I was going through my divorce a friend said to me, “All you need is time. Time heals all pain.”

Besides thinking… at that moment… that this sentiment was totally cliche, I was also incensed that my friend thought that I would just be able to “hold” my pain until the passage of time “removed it.”

But then… time did pass.

And my friend was right.

Time removed my pain.

And since that day, I have shared my story with others.

I listen to their pain, I understand where they are at… because I have been there too.

And I say, “Once a friend told me something that seemed so cliche, so unacceptable, but it was the truth… and I’m about to share it with you.”

Time does have a way of putting life into perspective: putting pain and strife in their rightful place.

Time does move us through.

We may not always be ready to listen… to hear “All you need is time.”

But, time calms the worried mind and allows reason to see the truth of each trying situation.

–

“Dear God, help me to accept that the passage of time will bring me comfort from my pain.”

October 2nd: Regrets

Oct2

Everyone has regrets… something in their life they wish they could change… wish they could take back.

During my divorce, I thought of so many of my actions I wished I could go back and change but… that’s not the way life works.

What is done is done.

I found that the only way to let go of my regret, was to work hard not to make the same mistakes in the future:

Think before speaking.

Wait before acting.

Love more… fight less.

Regret teaches us to reach for the “Higher Road” in our day-to-day dealings with others.

Regret reminds us that we have an opportunity to try again, using a new and hopefully kinder way of thinking or acting.

Yes, it can be hard to live with regret but, if you can embrace your mistakes, learn from them, and move forward on a better path, then you can see regret as a gift: a gift of empathy.

–
“Dear God, help me to forgive myself for my past mistakes. Show me how to use my regrets as a tool to find a new and kinder way of acting and thinking.”

October 1st: Fear

Oct1

The other day I was talking to one of my closest friends.

We were having a conversation about fear when he turned to me and said, “I can’t imagine you being afraid of anything.”

I was surprised by his comment and for a moment pleased.

It was nice to be regarded as someone secure enough… strong enough… to not have fears but the truth is… I have many.

Some of my fears are substantial: worthy of my concern.

Others… are just like anyone else’s… silly little things that might make another person laugh.

But sometimes fear is a good thing.

Sometimes fear shows up when we know, deep in our soul, that we are making a decision that goes against our greater good.

Fear can be a warning that we are moving down the wrong path, that we have strayed in the wrong direction, and it can help to indicate when we should stop, and seek experience, strength, and hope, before moving forward.

I have learned that sometimes it is good to listen to my fear. That my fear lets me know loud and clear, that I am making a decision that is not in my best interest.

“Dear God, help me to see your path. Help me to stay the course and listen to my fear if it is a warning that directs me away from pain, trouble, or conflict.”

September 30th: Solitude

Sep30

During my divorce, people were often close by me.

Worried that I shouldn’t be alone, they wanted to fill my everyday with:

“check up” phone conversations…

or talk at the local coffee shop…

or dinner where we would discuss all the details of how the divorce was proceeding.

I appreciated all of the love and attention that my friends and family gave me.

I appreciated their show of support.

I knew I needed this wonderful group of people to get me through to the other side of my pain but… sometimes I just needed solitude… solitude to wrap my mind around the reality of the situation and “settle in” to the job at hand: getting over the loss of my husband.

Solitude allowed my mind to slow down… to mull over my trying situation… and to quietly look at it.

It wasn’t always easy to look directly at my pain… to face my darkest fears… but it was necessary so that I could move on with my past issues resolved.

“Dear God, help me find peace in solitude. Help me to allow my mind to calmly search for answers in the quiet.”

September 29th: Little Things

Sep29

When going through difficult times we often overlook the little things that bring us joy:

A beautiful morning.

A walk with a friend.

Listening to music we love.

Small wonders, small joys, can bring peace during painful times.

And during painful times, it is important to find joy in these brief moments of peace.

During my divorce I worked consciously to “see” these moments:

A moment to laugh with my son.

A moment to admire my daughter in her prom dress.

The beautiful flower that had just bloomed by the front porch.

The new puppy that was running around our home.

Little things may seem just that “little” but, they can carry us through by being our daily reminder that joy still does exist in our day-to-day world even when we struggle with our own pain.

“Dear God, help me to see the joy and beauty in the smallest things.”

September 28th: Patience

Sep28

Patience was never one of my strongest qualities but… over the years as a parent, a teacher, a writer… I learned that the world revolved on “God’s time” and not my own.

I began to note incidents where my impatience caused only problems.

Looking for my car keys in a panic only to find them once I calmed down enough to see that they were right on the kitchen counter.

Racing to an appointment only to be stopped by an officer for not wearing my seat belt.

Hurrying to a meeting with someone to find out that they… themselves… were running late.

Time and time again I noticed that whenever I allowed impatience to take over… the universe had a way of telling me to “slow down.”

When we are going through difficult times, it is hard to be patient.

We want the pain to end.

The situation to resolve.

Our life to move forward but…

Life is on “God’s time.”

I began to see that I was exactly where I was supposed to be.

That by trying to “hurry life” along… I was only causing myself undo stress.

You cannot force things to change.

You cannot force life to change.

You can do everything you can in the present to be healthy and happy… but you must have patience and wait for the final outcome.

“Dear God, help me to stay in the moment. Help me to see that having patience is having faith in your plan.”

September 27th: Strength

Sep27

I always prided myself on my strength.

My life had been a series of so many ups and downs, that I had learned very early on to get back up and just keep going.

Strength was my salvation.

Strength was a quality that others had long admired in me.

Strength helped me to move smoothly past obstacles both great and small and make progress towards my life goals.

But when I went through my divorce, I felt that my strength had left me.

Often it seemed like I was in a vast ocean and one great wave after another was rising up, crashing over me, and trying to drag me down.

I felt unable to catch my breath, find my bearings: my foundation was rocked to the core.

Yet after my emotions finally began to calm, I realized that my strength was there all along.

I could then see that strength is not always about “being stoic.”

Strength is about having the courage to feel your emotions and to swim through your pain.

Strength is being able to admit that you are struggling, that you need help during a particular hardship, that even though you can endure pain alone, you don’t have to do so.

Strength is honesty.

Strength is being brave enough to show your vulnerability to others.

Strength is sharing your experiences, no matter how painful, so that others who suffer know they are not alone.

“Dear God, help me to be vulnerable in my strength. Help me to use my strength to bring me to an honest place on my life path.”

September 26th: Sorrow

Sep26

Often when we show our emotions during trying times, those closest to us aren’t sure how to handle it.

When my husband left, I was very sad and my sorrow seemed to consume everyone around me.

They wanted me to be happy, to find joy in my life again.

It hurt them to see me so lost in my despair.

I would try to be cheerful, if only for them, but I just couldn’t do it.

I was too sad.

Yes it can be hard for others to see us suffering.

Yes it can be hard for others to see us in pain.

But part of the process of any loss is to grieve for what is no longer ours, and to mourn the loss of what will never be.

I knew that I needed time to sit with my sorrow and pain.

It was important that I acknowledged my heartache and my grief, so that when my opportunity to move on presented itself… I was ready for it.

“Dear God, help me through my grief. Help me to walk through my pain and my sorrow and move forward and into a better life.”