Lately, I have been participating in a roll that I had hoped to never play again: the victim to someone’s punisher.

It was a roll I often found myself in during my marriage, and then my divorce, and it was not a role I relished.

My husband used to punish me for the smallest infractions:

If I was late for any given reason, even if it was an unforeseeable event that had caused my tardiness, he would punish me by either brooding over what he saw as a disrespect to him personally, an infraction, a slight, on my part or choose to take his attention… time… away from me to prove his point until he was sure that I had been wounded in return.

If I shared feelings with him that made him feel uncomfortable. If I had needs or concerns or tried to express my anger or frustration calmly and logically, he accused me of ruining his day… his mood… and I would find myself apologizing for even bringing things up.

This did not keep an open path of communication between us.

It was a form of mental terrorism that kept me in my place.

Because of his punishing behavior, we were never able to work as a team…. to find a relationship that worked for both of us…. to set goals and find a way to accept each other totally.

And as the victim, I time-and-time again swallowed my own feelings and needs while being left emotionally and often physically… abandoned.

Today, when I find myself falling into the Victim role…. I do several things:

I speak to a trusted friend who will help me work through my emotions.

I allow time to pass and my emotions to cool before I address the issue.

I then hold my ground and express my needs in hopes that we will be able to amend the situation.

And I have learned, if I feel that I have done everything in my power out of love and respect to change the dynamic and remedy the situation yet the cycle continues, then maybe it is time for me to rethink the relationship and allow some space to bring me clarity.

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“Dear God, help me to step out of old patterns that no longer serve me. Help me not to take on another person’s issues and to stay working firmly on my side of the street.”

After grieving the loss of my marriage, and accepting that divorce was inevitable, I began the arduous task of spiritual footwork. I knew that if I chose to resign myself to my fate, and not look at my part in things, that nothing would really change in my life. I would be the same person and most likely end up gravitating to the same type of relationship. It was important for me to take a fearless moral inventory and have a willingness to change. My willingness appeared when I relinquished the illusion of control and accepted the idea that maybe my Higher Power was trying to get me out of my own way. That maybe… there was a better plan for me on the horizon if I would just let go and have faith. By allowing myself this attitude adjustment, and admitting that maybe my plan was not the best plan, things began to change in my favor almost immediately. It started with small moments of clarity and growth. And as my self-esteem returned, my willingness grew, and I became witness to my progress. My days became full of clarity and growth. Footwork is not easy. It is difficult to look at feelings, work through issues, admit wrongs, analyze character defects, but today… I am a stronger person because of my commitment to be willing, to have faith, and to work on cleaning up “my side of the street.” – “Dear God, help me to accept that my life is in progress. Help me to move forward with my spiritual footwork and have faith in your plan.”

In the past, when I became fearful, I would begin to spin a mental tape of every worst case scenario and fret over the fact that I could not control the crisis that was currently playing out in my life. These hours of worry produced nothing more than fatigue and frustration. “What ifs” and “Should haves” will not help to get me through the day. I must keep my focus firmly planted in the present and use the time that I have been given to accomplish real work and not waste my time fearing what “may” happen. I have no control over outcomes. The only control I have is over my own thoughts and actions. – “Dear God, help me to let go of worry and fear. Help me to believe that everything is as it should be and everything will be revealed in time.”

In the past, I saw detachment as a form of isolation: a way to create my own island.

I believed if I separated myself from a bad situation, if I stonewalled, if I found a way to keep distance, that I was detaching and becoming spiritually stronger by doing so but…

What I found was that  I couldn’t let go, put my personal feelings, my opinions, aside and truly detach.

I was constantly driven to react by every unkind word or action and what I found was no matter how much I “detached” I was still losing my peace of mind… my balance.

Why?

Because it wasn’t detachment… I was acting as a martyr… removing myself physically from the situation but mentally choosing to suffer again-and-again and punish others for what I considered their “poor behavior.”

Today, I must let go of my resentments, my regrets, and practice detaching with love.

It isn’t easy.

But I have to learn that another’s words and actions say more about what they are going through than it does about their relationship with me. I must learn to not take everything personally and work on my own well-being while allowing another to work through the issues and struggles on their own spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to detach with love. Help me to let go of my anger, resentment and pain, and focus on my own spiritual journey.”

During my divorce, I found that I had to check my motives constantly.

Sometimes my words or actions were used to manipulate or control my husband, or the situation, in hopes that I would either be able to wound him, the way I felt I had been wounded, or to fight for the outcome that I so longed for: a reconciliation.

Either way, this type of behavior, this type of motivation did not serve me well.

It kept me firmly attached to my “shadow self” reacting out of fear and despair, anger and frustration.

Today, when I choose to speak up or take action, I must first make sure that I am doing so because it is the right action for me… that my motives are clean.

If I am trying to change someone or get what I want… then maybe I should wait before I take action.

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“Dear God, help me to be honest in my motives. Help me to speak and act only when I truly feel it is in my best interest to do so.”

Going through my divorce was one of the most painful experiences I have ever suffered.

I was so sure, caught up in the despair of the moment, that it was the biggest disaster of my life and that I would never truly recover.

But that was my fear talking.

My fear of the future… of losing my marriage, my life as I knew it… my “place” in a relationship.

I was so limited by my thinking.

I couldn’t see past the crisis to what might be there for me on the other side: a life full of joy and happiness that fit me much better than the one I currently was clinging to.

All I could focus on was my fear of more “unforeseen doom” every “worse case scenario” connected to the loss of my marriage.

But today, I live a life that my limited thinking could have never imagined.

It is a life full of love and passion.

It is a life full of trust and compassion.

It is a life where the people I now spend time with accept me for who I am and support me in all of my endeavors.

Fear and limited thinking is a way to keep me chained to a past that no longer works for me.

I must have faith that my Higher Power can see what I cannot… the unlimited possibilities of my life… and that he will lead me to a better future when I am ready to follow.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of fear and walk bravely into my future. Help me to see that with your guidance my life can be more than I ever imagined it could be.”

When I was going through my divorce, I was struggling constantly with my pain and my despair.

The people I loved would listen to me as I worked my way through my feelings but often times, found it hard to do so, because they wanted me to be over my marriage… out of the pain… moving on and away from a relationship they felt was not worth my time or attention.

I understood that they did not like seeing me suffer and I understood that it was difficult for the people I loved to listen knowing that they were unable to fix it for me but still… I needed them to listen.

Today, I remember how kind my friends and family were to me during such a trying time in my life.

They showed me tolerance when emotions made it difficult to do so.

It is important for me to remember this when I am the sounding board for a friend or loved one that is struggling with a difficult issue.

Though I may want to move them through the problem quickly, because I feel that I cannot bear to watch them suffer anymore, it is not my place to do so.

I must have tolerance and accept that:

They may need more time to work through their problem…

They may need to repeat their story to me numerous times to find clarity or acceptance of the reality of their present circumstance…

They may need to know that no matter how broken or flawed they feel in that very moment… that they will not lose me… as they have lost someone else dear to them.

I must be mindful and tolerant of their needs and thankful that I am there to offer solace.

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“Dear God, help me to be tolerant when being present for those I love. Help me to remember to have patience and compassion.”

My divorce was one of the most difficult life events I have ever experienced. It took a great deal of time and spiritual footwork to get through the pain and heal my heart. And though my life today is better than I could have ever imagined it would be… it doesn’t magically give me peace-of-mind or mean that it is always “perfect.” In fact, life is still difficult today… I am a caregiver to many: My aging mother, my adult children, my students, my friends.There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not worried about one or all of them.

And, this is why it is up to me to find peace within the chaos of my life. I can’t have the mentality that if I “just get through this” or I “just get through that” that everything will suddenly be okay. That is not how life works. It would be exhausting to wait for that “perfect time” that “perfect day” to come and I would be letting life pass me by as I looked towards an illusion… a fantasy.

Life is messy. Life is upsetting. Life is full of changes that I do not want to accept. But still, I must find a way to stay balanced that works for me: Prayer and meditation, journaling my thoughts, walking in nature, continuing on in my spiritual footwork and living in the moment. I must find the joy and embrace it, no matter how small: laughing with a loved one, hugging my child, being supportive to a good friend… It can all change in a moment so I must hold closely the moments that remind me how truly wonderful life is.

– “Dear God, help me to stay in the moment and to embrace the joy that I find there.”

After my divorce I found it hard to trust my instincts when it came to romantic relationships.

I was sure that everyone who wanted to date me had an agenda and that agenda was to hurt me.

It was an extremely skewed point-of-view but, I had been so caught up in the pain of my husband’s decision to leave, that I could not look at it from any other vantage.

I was trapped in my own broken logic: my husband had lied to me, left our marriage, and if I let anyone else in… they might possibly do the exact same thing.

It is always good to have boundaries after suffering a terrible hurt.

Being cautious, careful, are good qualities to have but… to be controlled by the fear of what “might come to pass” is not living life:

It is hiding behind past experiences and refusing to bravely walk into the future.

Today I know that I have to trust until I have been given sufficient reason not to trust.

And if I am unable to do that…  I must consider that I am not ready for a romantic relationship… and that I must continue on with my spiritual footwork until I am able to approach a new romantic relationship with an open mind and an open heart.

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“Dear God, help me to set clear boundaries in all of my relationships but help me to have trust so that my boundaries do not become walls to keep the people I love at bay.”