Making an amends is not always easy.

Sometimes, I find myself embarrassed by my actions and unable to admit that my behavior was unacceptable.

Sometimes, the person I need to make an amends to still irritates or frustrates me, and though I know that it is the right thing to do, my pride stands in the way of my apology.

But, making an amends is not just about apologizing to another human being.

Making amends is about forgiving myself for my past behaviors.

If I have truly grown on my spiritual path.

If I have truly changed my ways.

Then I must make an amends to free myself from the burden of the guilt I still carry.

I must forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and by apologizing to others, I am taking a step towards my spiritual release.

I must humble myself and ask for forgiveness from those I have harmed.

I must humble myself and ask that I forgive myself.

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“Dear God, help me to learn from my past mistakes and let the burden of my pain go. Help me to forgive myself and make amends to those I have harmed.”

I don’t always understand what people do.

I don’t always understand what people need.

But, to fuss and complain when someone is already struggling with their own confusion does not help the situation.

I have learned if someone needs space: let them have it.

If someone needs to talk a problem through: listen.

If someone asks to work on certain unhealthy aspects of a relationship: be willing.

By taking the time to be understanding…

By taking the time to be kind and compassionate when someone is in pain…

By taking the time to be present when it is difficult to do so…

I am proving to them that I am able to behave as an anchor when they feel lost and long for comfort and stability.

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“Dear God, help me to be understanding when it feels difficult to do so. Help me to step back and not take it personally, when someone needs to work through their own issues.”

Knowing what is best for me is not always easy to admit.

Usually, the reason I don’t accept this moment of complete “knowing”  is because my heart is tied to a relationship.

I don’t want to speak up.

I don’t want to tell the person I love the truth.

But unfortunately… no matter how much I love someone…care for them… want them in my life… that doesn’t mean I can make the relationship work.

There are times I must concede that no matter how much I love a particular person… maybe this relationship does not truly benefit either of us.

Even now… it’s easy to write the words… but it isn’t easy to say.

There are people in my life that I don’t want to let go of… they fill a certain need, a longing, I yearn for their presence, and when I am with them… I feel great joy.

But once I have felt the bell of reality in my heart… the truth ringing out to me… I can no longer live in the fantasy.

I must admit that for one reason or another… something does not truly mesh.

Maybe it is timing.

Maybe it is core beliefs.

Maybe…

It isn’t easy to let go of something or someone that I truly love.

But… if inside my soul I feel that something is missing… I must let go… and admit that what is best may be to be on my own.

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“Dear God, help me to move forward in faith. Help me to do the right thing and let go with love.”

When I think back on the progress I have made over the past ten years, I see that I have accomplished many of the goals I set out to achieve. Most of these goals may not seem that “grand” to others. In fact, they may not seem like accomplishments to them at all but… that is not important: they are accomplishments to me. Recovering from my painful divorce. Finding solace in my writing and my art. Choosing relationships with trustworthy, kind, reliable people that benefit my well-being. Taking care of myself on a daily basis. Being loving to my family and friends. These are all goals I set during a painful time in my life and are now, a daily reminder of how far I have come, since those days of despair brought on by the loss of my marriage. Today, I celebrate all I have achieved. Today, I celebrate what my life has become. Today, I look forward to my new path and know that though there will be times of trouble again, I have accomplished goals that will remind me that I have the strength to continue onward, the mental fortitude to see it through. –

“Dear God, thank you for letting me see what can truly be accomplished when I get out of my own way.”

It is very hard for me to ask for what I want when it comes to meeting my needs in a romantic relationship.

I feel that attention, moments together, words, actions, commitment should be offered freely.

And… part of that belief is true: No one should ever have to be coerced into loving.

If a partner is hedging, maybe they are not ready to offer more… or maybe… the relationship is not right for me at this time in my life.

But… asking for the smaller, more intimate things in a relationship: attention, a moment together, words of reassurance, a confirmation that an action pleases us or makes us feel safe, is part of building a firm base for a present relationship and provides trust that moves the partnership forward to the next level.

It is up to me, to ask for what I need and see if it will be given.

If it isn’t, then maybe it is time for me to let go.

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“Dear God, help me to ask for what I want and need. Help me to be brave and speak up in all of my relationships.”