When I was in the midst of my divorce and consumed by despair, those closest to me tried to tell me repeatedly that when time moved me through my pain, I would be so much stronger, so much happier on the other side.

At the time, I was unable to believe them, unable to see. So tied to my own vision of happiness, my own dream of what I wanted to be with my husband, that I was unable to logically examine any other possibilities. And, so worn by my grief… I didn’t want to. I wanted only what I wanted: my life with my husband.

But they were right, as time moved me forward, as I began my journey of self-awareness and spiritual growth, I began to have faith again in a master plan and that maybe my Higher Power had something much better in store for me, if I would just let go and accept that I was about to face a new beginning.

I could have never imagined then what my life would be like today.

Blessed with so many gifts, a life full of joy and abundance, and a relationship with someone I deeply love and who truly cherishes who I am… as I am… and what I bring to his life.

I thank God now for my spiritual journey.

I thank God for the hardships I endured.

Both the journey and the hardships renewed my faith by making me let go of my vision of life and opening my eyes to a far greater outcome: one where I am loved for my true self… for being exactly who I am: flaws and all.

What greater gift is there then to find someone who accepts me just as I am and chooses to love me and walk by my side on life’s journey? A partner who is a compliment to me… an anchor when my world is rocked by hardships… my solace and my friend.

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“Dear God, thank you for getting me out of my own way. Thank you for guiding me on my spiritual journey even when I believed myself to be lost and alone.”

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to find solitude in my daily environment, circumstances continue to arise to keep me active and unable to create space to allow myself to rest and recharge.

When all else fails, I find it is then that I need to physically make my own space.

Today, overwhelmed with all of my commitments, I cleared my appointment book and left town.

For months I had been trying to wind down from event after event after event and finally, world-weary and worn I said, “Enough.”

I didn’t go far… just a drive of a few hours… enough to clear my head and find my solace in the warm wind of the open California desert and there, I was able to calm my mind, catch my breath and find my soul soothed by the beauty that surrounded me.

Tonight, I write with the knowledge that if I cannot be given space… I must create it.

Life is constantly moving… there will always be an upset, an event, a commitment that must be dealt with but if I choose to continue to overlook my own-well being at the cost of everything else… I will soon be spiritually bankrupt and unable to make clear, clean decisions on my life path.

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“Dear God, help me to find solace and respite. Help me to soothe myself when I am overcome by life’s commitments and troubles.”

Some of the most difficult times in my life have revolved around making hard choices: choices that cause me deep pain in my heart.

To know that I love someone with everything I am… and to then realize that I have to let them go… despite my love is beyond disheartening.

But if I pay attention to my gut instinct, I know that it is the right thing to do. That something is off… that something is not working.

When my husband asked for a divorce, I fought to keep him close, to keep our marriage intact but… no matter what we tried, we could not mend what was broken.

The day I finally accepted that he was going to leave and that I would have to let go of what we were, was simultaneously one of the worst and best days of my life.

The worst, because it was the day that I began to mourn the loss of my husband, my marriage, and ultimately… my dream.

The best, because I felt an overwhelming sense of relief once I let go of trying to control something I had no ability to control: the end of my marriage.

Today, I still have to make hard choices, choices that I wish to God I didn’t have to make, but knowing that my life has thrived since my divorce helps me to have faith in my future.

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“Dear God, help me to stand by my choice. Help me to stand with firm resolve when my emotions threaten to take over and hinder my spiritual growth.”

Last night I was at an event where a woman I had just met commented on my appearance.

She admired my dress and the way I looked in it and then said, “I love how you embrace your body image. You are so confident and it shows.”

In the past, I might have immediately jumped to… What does that mean?

But I could tell by her face that she was truly sincere in her compliment.

I realized then that for years I have worked on acceptance, in relation to others, but how often has my self-acceptance fallen to the wayside?

How many times have I been self-critical about my actions, my choice of words, my appearance, always believing I am somehow “falling short?”

I told my new acquaintance how I often struggled in the past with finding fault in all of my physical imperfections and she said, “I find that hard to believe. You are beautiful and you have really inspired me to be braver about my own appearance.”

I knew then… at that moment… by just choosing to behave “as if” that evening and wear something that maybe I wouldn’t have chosen to wear in the past, that I was heading towards spiritual growth and my own self-acceptance but… that I must continue to work on being kind to myself, less judgmental… and try not to be so hard on myself while I navigate my life.

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“Dear God, help me to find self-awareness but also self-acceptance. Help me to be kind to others… and also be kind to myself.”

Today a good friend and I were walking and talking about life and about arguments: the message behind the message or… how the topic of a fight is usually not the real problem… that there is really a hidden problem that isn’t being addressed openly in the conversation.

I had a habit in my marriage of starting an argument out of fear: fear that I wouldn’t get my way, fear that my husband would leave, fear that I would be perceived as the “villian” in a given situation. It didn’t matter what the argument was about… the message behind the message was that I was afraid.

Fear was my message.

Today, after many years of spiritual footwork I am brave enough to tell the truth when I am at odds with my partner.

Now, when I catch myself arguing about any give topic because I’m really… just afraid of everything… I say to the person I love, “I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m afraid that this will end up as my marriage once did: in ruins.”

And what I have found is that when I am truthful about the “real” message instead of hiding behind my argument, the fear dissipates and the person I care for tends to drop their own guard, find compassion and is more often than not, willing to help me through my fear.

This does not mean that they will alter their course just because I am fearful… I must learn to trust in my partner if I choose to be in a relationship again… I cannot hold my partner hostage to my fear but… by being vulnerable and honest… they become an ally in removing me… as the hostage… from my own self-imposed emotional prison.

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“Dear God, help me to be brave in all of my communication. Help me to share my true message when I am fearful to do so.”

My divorce was a very difficult one.

It was emotionally messy… and full of anger, passion, fear, and pain.

I had spent almost twenty years with my husband.

I had been through a lot with him and put up with so many things that I felt proved my commitment and loyalty again-and-again and I was resentful that he was the one that was now planning to leave.

The worst part though… was that even when I was full of anger… seething with frustration… I was still overwhelmed with sadness… despair… that the person I loved so desperately wanted to leave me… move on… live life without me.

It was as if I had lost someone to death… but wasn’t allowed to mourn the passing.

My relationship was over.

Life as I had known it would never be the same.

I was hurt, wounded, and afraid of the unknown.

What I never imagined at that time in my life, was that I would ever be happy again or that my life would ever be better than the one I had fantasized for me and my ex-husband.

But time and spiritual footwork moved me through and soon… my foundation felt solid and now… my life today is one that brings me great joy.

The life that I live today… surpasses everything I had hoped for in my past.

My divorce became a gift… one that taught me how to move forward through great despair, broaden my perspective, use my strength to protect my own well-being and the well-being of my children, and reminded me how much faith I have in God’s Higher Plan for us all.

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“Dear God, thank you for giving me the gift of perspective. Thank you for getting me out of my own way.”

Navigating relationships is never easy.

There are always emotional dynamics to work through, differing needs for each person from day-to-day, and patterns from the past that often create trouble even when something seems new, promising or exciting.

I used to believe that if I talked about my concerns and fears and basically… each and every thought I had about the relationship with the person I loved… that together, we would work through it… be able to figure things out.

But what I found was… that talking about the relationship excessively only wore me out and left the people I loved feeling that I was a bit of an emotional handful.

I never kept their communication patterns or navigational tools in mind: I just wanted to fix my end… be heard… and do it my way… no exceptions.

One day, someone I consider a close life mentor said to me, “People spend way too much time talking about their relationships and way too little time just living their relationship. Why don’t you stop talking for awhile and just navigate your relationship day-by-day.”

At the time, it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear but… after I mulled it over for a bit, I realized it was worth a try.

I really worked on my side of things in my relationships quietly for awhile. I didn’t share every thought I felt had to be shared. I didn’t force a conversation out of ego, self-esteem issues, or fear. I didn’t force a verbal argument or discussion just to garner attention and I began to see over time, that most of the thoughts I absolutely felt I had to share… ended up being completely insignificant in the grand scheme of the relationship.

I was astounded to find how often I used words to manipulate others, hide fear, push people away, or latch onto a sense of control.

Today, I still struggle with staying silent, especially in new relationships when fear often guides me, but I have learned to strive towards calming down, quieting down and letting my relationships unfold organically each day.

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“Dear God, help me to decide if what I have to say will be of benefit to all. Help me to be quiet when silence will help to move me through fear and ego.”

Even though I have been divorced many years, I still find that there are moments where something my ex-husband says or does becomes an emotional trigger.

The triggers have diminished over time, but when they do occur, I am always caught off guard:

These triggers make it extremely hard to control my temper, or stop a verbal outburst against him.

I have learned though, that it is best to hold my tongue if possible or I will be the one in need of making an amends.

And why would I be the one making an amends if his behavior is so offensive?

Not because I agree with, or accept what he says or does but… because I no longer want to be reacting to his behavior or acting in a manner that is not true to my spiritual path and if I choose to engage inappropriately… then I am the one that will need to make an amends.

I know today, that these triggers are actually reminders of what I still need to work on in my own life: Issues I need to let go of and new boundaries I may need to be brave enough to set.

I must work always, to communicate in a way that represents my true, kind and compassionate self, even when an emotional trigger arises.

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“Dear God, help me to think before I speak. Help me to be calm before I react.”

Today marks a great loss for me.

One that I doubt I will ever recover from… the loss of someone very dear to me.

The time without him has been difficult and there have been many moments where I felt my despair would carry me to a place where recovery was not possible.

But still… I am grateful every day for the short time that he was in my life.

I would not take back my life with him to escape suffering today.

I could never regret loving him… only losing him.

I think of him often, and even now, his memory reminds me each day:

To be there for others…

Live life to the fullest…

Have compassion for all.

He reminds me that I will never know what may happen from one moment to the next and that I should always end my conversations with those I love, with the kindest words… showing my truest heart.

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“Dear God, thank you for bringing love into my life. Help me to be strong when change is upon me. Help me to see that in faith I find strength.”