Everyone has regrets… something in their life they wish they could change… wish they could take back.

During my divorce, I thought of so many of my actions I wished I could go back and change but… that’s not the way life works.

What is done is done.

I found that the only way to let go of my regret, was to work hard not to make the same mistakes in the future:

Think before speaking.

Wait before acting.

Love more… fight less.

Regret teaches us to reach for the “Higher Road” in our day-to-day dealings with others.

Regret reminds us that we have an opportunity to try again, using a new and hopefully kinder way of thinking or acting.

Yes, it can be hard to live with regret but, if you can embrace your mistakes, learn from them, and move forward on a better path, then you can see regret as a gift: a gift of empathy.

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“Dear God, help me to forgive myself for my past mistakes. Show me how to use my regrets as a tool to find a new and kinder way of acting and thinking.”

At the end of my marriage, I was unwilling to let go and accept that we were heading towards divorce.

I decided that I wasn’t going to give up without a fight and so, I convinced my husband that we should go to counseling together and I began to do everything I could to clean up “my side of the street.”

Nine months later: I was spiritually and physically much stronger but, nothing had changed in our relationship. My husband and I were still separated and though he claimed he wanted a divorce, he made no effort to move forward with his decision. We were in a suspended state of limbo and I had grown weary being the only one battling to save our marriage.

It was then that I knew it would be up to me to “let go” and break the stalemate: I chose to file for divorce.

I still did not want to let go of the fantasy that our marriage would somehow mend itself, but I knew in my heart… in my soul… that I would rather hold on to all of the love and good memories we had together than fight any longer to try to get them back.

It was a hard moment for me… a very sad one… but I also knew that it was the right one and that if in the future, something changed between us, we could both choose to not move forward with the proceeding.

Today, when I find myself in a stalemate. When I know that I am the only one fighting to save a relationship. I remember this moment from my marriage and it gives me strength to do what I know I must do:

Hold on to the love and the good memories… and choose to let go of the fight and move on.

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“Dear God, help me to cherish the good in all of my relationships and to learn and grow from trials or difficulties I may have faced during my time with those I have loved.”

It is easy to fill my weekend with events that will distract me and keep me busy. By setting my mind on a  “What’s next?” mentality, I never really have to deal with what is going on in the present.

There is nothing wrong with having a life full of wonderful activities but, when I am constantly on the move, I have a tendency to not be in the moment.

Always planning for the next big event…

Always rushing from one commitment to another…

Always finishing one project and quickly moving on:

This is not being present.

This is not savoring my life.

Moving so quickly, only causes me to find my creative energy drained and my physical and emotional well-being worn down.

If I choose to be actively involved then I must learn to take a moment and enjoy it…

Think before I accept a commitment and when I do… appreciate what it has to offer…

When I finish a project, I should relish in the enjoyment of a job well-done, my persistence and perseverance in my accomplishment.

Life moves quickly… life is fleeting… I must learn to live in the present… be in the moment… slow down and enjoy what is right in front of me.

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“Dear God, help me live in the joy of the present. Help me not to waste my time fretting over the past, worrying about the future, and help me to appreciate what I have to day: A moment to be celebrated.”

When I was first going through my divorce, while I was still reeling from my painful loss, it was easy to get into a “Why me?” mentality.

I felt that I was being victimized, abandoned by my husband, left to all of the day-to-day responsibilities of the family, while he went off to start his fresh “new”  life.

It was horrible to feel so powerless… such a lack of control… and for me, a person who had always prided myself on being strong in emotionally trying situations, it was unsettling to suddenly feel so weak… so helpless.

But soon, with the help of trusted mentors and a lot of spiritual footwork, I began to move forward and away from victim mentality.

It started with my acceptance that I had no control over my soon-to-be ex-spouse and that the only thing I did have control over were my own actions and ideas.

And then…. I stopped waiting for things to “change” and started moving forward in my own life.

I kept my mind firmly fixed on the prize: the future well-being of myself and my children.

I did everything I could to become spiritually, physically, and mentally sound once again.

By taking on an active role in my emotional recovery, I soon left my victim mentality behind.

Today I know, that I am strong enough to allow myself to be vulnerable, and to learn and grow from the experience.

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“Dear God, help me to move away from my painful past. Help me to find progress in the smallest mental shift from victim to survivor.”

There was a line I heard once in a movie where the character said, “Banishment is hell for one who knows his rightful place.”

I remember being struck by the force of that statement when I was in the middle of my divorce: Feeling that I, the wife, had lost my rightful place in my husband’s life and was now banished from it… an outsider where I was once… the queen.

It was hell.

The character in the film ends up going through intense despair and distress until he is able to find a way to emotionally accept the changes in his situation.

It is not easy to let go of someone we love.

It is not easy to go from being married to separated, to divorced.

It is not easy to feel that you have been “demoted” from a significant other to an acquaintance.

But the only way to move through the pain and despair is to accept things the way they are today and let go.

Holding on to what is out of my control only adds to my heartache.

I must continue to put the focus back on me, my spiritual footwork, and have faith that my Higher Power has a perfect plan for me.

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“Dear God, help me to accept things as they are. Help me to find peace in the moment.”

When I was going through my divorce, I lost all perspective of the world outside of my world.

In hindsight, I do not blame myself for my lack of perspective. I realize that my pain, my despair, blinded me to others in need.

I was wounded… worn… unable to focus past my own obsession and see, so to speak, “The forest beyond the trees.”

But now I have learned from my experience and I choose to behave differently in the present. And today, I was reminded of the forest.

Reminded that there are many people in this world suffering their own terrible setbacks and losses and that I need to focus on the bigger picture when I find myself locked into thinking that it is “all about me” and my own despair.

When I feel overcome by the pain of my own life, if I can find it in my heart to be there for someone else who is also in pain, I lighten my own burden through the gift of compassion.

It can be so difficult to step back from my own emotional crisis but if I begin a daily practice of giving to others, I will soon regain my perspective and see the forest once again through the trees.

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“Dear God, help me to see things from a higher perspective. Help me to have faith in your plan and to be compassionate other people’s needs.”

During my separation and ultimately, my divorce, I found it very difficult to contain my jealousy.

I had not let go of my life with my soon-to-be ex-husband and the thought of him moving on with another person left me in a state of panic.

I was in total despair and I was shaken by my complete lack of control regarding our situation.

I could do nothing to stop the inevitable: he would move on and there would be someone else.

I had to work to clear my mind from obsessing:

Who was he with?

What were they doing?

Why her and not me?

It was very difficult to stop my negative thinking once it began.

I spent a lot of time re-directing my thoughts to my life but it took quite a bit of time to let go and I had many setbacks where my jealousy would consume me, and I would revert to old patterns of snooping for information that would confirm my suspicions but also… cause me more pain.

One day, someone I trusted very much said, “Don’t go looking for pain. You can’t stop him from moving on and you are only hurting yourself by continually digging into his new life for answers.”

I worked each day to ignore social media that might lead me to painful information. Each time I chose not to act out in jealousy and thrive on my obsession, it became a little easier to let go and move on.

Time has now passed and I now very rarely keep tabs on my ex-husband’s life.

My own life is full of my own obsessions: positive ones that bring me closer to the spiritual path I long to walk.

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“Dear God, help me to let go of my obsession. Help me to move on and let go of jealousy. Help me to mind my own business and focus on my own life.”

I have had to accept many things in my life:

The deaths of those I have loved.

My divorce.

Illnesses that were hard to overcome.

And though all of these painful moments first consumed me with despair, I learned to move forward by accepting each of them.

At first, I struggled but as my emotions calmed I found acceptance through grace and joy.

I accepted the loss of my loved ones by accepting that death was a part of life.

Yes, many were taken away from me too soon but… the joy that they brought to me and many others while on this Earth was something I could not overlook and left wonderful memories that could never be taken away.

I accepted my divorce in the same way by focusing on the gifts of the union: my two beautiful children.

And the illnesses I had to overcome? Well, the word “overcome” says it all. I am still here today surrounded by many loving family and friends who walked with me during my painful trial.

To say things like “I wish I’d never known him… or I wish I’d never been married… or I wish I’d never suffered” is like saying… “I refuse to love, to open my heart, because then I might have to feel pain.”

Life is full of pain and suffering. Acceptance is key to living. I would never give up the time I had with my loved ones to save myself the pain of their loss. I would never give up my marriage and lose the gift of my children. I would never give up my illnesses because they taught me to live in the day and to be thankful for my good health.

I accept that pain and loss may come my way but if I walk bravely forward in acceptance and faith, I will be greeted with many more gifts when I reach the other side of my heartache.

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“Dear God, help me to accept life on your terms. Help me to see the beauty and joy in all things.”