One of the most difficult struggles in my life is dealing with attachment and change.

I am a creature of habit.

I love my world to be bound by routine.

My home life.

My work life.

My relationships.

So, when a change occurs that I perceive as threatening or negative… I tend to react poorly.

And though I have always struggled, my entire life, with attachment and change, my divorce intensified my fear.

I was told so many times by the person that I trusted and loved that:

Nothing was wrong.

It’s work. It’s not you.

I text and call less because I’m busy not because I don’t love you.

And so, I ignored my instincts, trusted in my spouse, only to find out that he was unhappy… he was leaving… and that our relationship was over.

His betrayal absolutely rocked my entire foundation and it has taken a significant amount of time and spiritual footwork to recover from that emotional blow.

I was attached.

I was in love.

I didn’t want things to change.

But they did.

Today, I must work diligently at stepping back from my emotional attachment when someone in my life suddenly changes behaviors and texts less, calls less, compliments me less, or is absent more often from my day-to-day world.

It is so easy for me to hold on to the “story” of my past and make-up a “story” about my present that says… It happened before. It will happen again.

And… I have to be honest with myself… it may happen again.

I cannot be naive about the fact that I may be hurt in my new relationship but…

I cannot stand in limbo… or live in doubt… because of my fears.

Life is constant change and I must learn how to move through it and find acceptance in the reality of my world.

And with my significant other?

I have to to be understanding and note that relationships do change over time, the honeymoon phase is always sure to end. I must choose to fight my fear as I watch and wait to see if this is a signal of some greater problem in the relationship or just the normal fluctuation of life and love.

–

“Dear God, help me to be patient and accept change. Help me to detach with love as I learn and grow in this new relationship.”

Yesterday I woke up and felt off.

When I go through difficult times I often put my own emotional and physical needs on the back burner.

And though I had been working over the last month to restore balance to my life… I was still in the emotional trenches.

I realized, as I looked in the mirror, that I hadn’t been taking care of myself and that my mood was suffering due to this fact.

Thankfully, after years of working on this particular character flaw, I took steps immediately to resolve the problem.

I went back to a healthy diet that very morning.

I exercised that afternoon.

I chose to use opposite action when dealing with difficult people or situations and…

I spent the evening seeking spiritual counseling from one of my mentors.

I have learned that it is not enough to just work on one aspect of my life when I have allowed myself to get physically and emotionally worn down.

By taking care of myself, mind and body, I present my best self to the world and find stability once again.

I feel a rise in my self-esteem, a positive change in my attitude, and a better outlook on my life.

–

“Dear God, help me to put first things first. Help me to keep my emotional and physical house in order so that I can be the best that I can be during trying times.”

Over the course of the last several weeks I have been working very hard to make my own space, slow my life down, and get on with my spiritual footwork.

It hasn’t been easy… and I struggle each day with my task.

And as I was focused on my own path… someone very dear to me let me know that they also needed space.

It was funny how immediately I began to react to their request:

Why do you need space?

What did I do?

Why do you want to distance yourself from me?

It was so easy for me to see, when I needed space, that it was about my need to calm down and bring sanity back to my life.

But, as soon as someone I loved said the exact same words… it was so difficult for me to let go of my own self-esteem issues and give them what they needed.

Today, I must realize that my relationships with other people are not… “all about me.”

I must work towards being understanding, loving, kind, compassionate when someone I love asks for the same thing I ask for: time to create spiritual balance.

–

“Dear God, help me accept another’s decision. Help me to be kind and compassionate and let ego go when someone I love needs space.”

During my divorce, I was so afraid of losing my husband that I often acted out in angry exchanges.

I would start our conversations, in person, on the phone, with the intent of being kind, calm, ready to listen, but…

Once I realized that he was unwilling to give-in, to come back, to work on the marriage, my fear would rise and anger would set in.

I felt like a wounded animal, trapped with no escape, and all I had left to save myself?

My bark and my bite.

The conversations would always end poorly and I would be left feeling shameful regarding my behavior, and heartbroken that once again I had reacted and let my fear consume me.

I was unable to follow one of the most well-known spiritual slogans:

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

What I really wanted to tell my husband was that I was scared… frightened… still in love… so hurt by his decision that I hid it behind my angry words.

Today, I still hide my fear behind my anger and it is a daily struggle to react appropriately when I am fearful that I will lose someone I love dearly.

But now… I do have enough time and spiritual footwork under my belt to make an amends when my behavior has been less than stellar and share the truth, as soon as possible, with the one I love:

I’m sorry.

I’m afraid to be hurt again.

I feel vulnerable in this relationship.

I will work towards expressing my emotions in a kinder way.

And though it may not always change the outcome of the situation, I know that my side of the street is clean and that my amends is honest and heartfelt.

_

“Dear God, help me to be true to my emotions. Help me to be honest about my fear of vulnerability in a relationship.”

Just this morning I was in the middle of an emotional conversation with a friend I deeply care about.

I had asked him repeatedly to change certain behaviors, related to me, that I felt were detrimental to our relationship.

However, no matter how many times I asked, no matter how many times I tried to explain that his actions were causing me pain, my friend was not able to follow through in regards to my requests.

He was sometimes apologetic for his behavior…

Sometimes dismissive…

Sometimes full of excuses… but nothing ever changed.

I hated asking again and again: Adults should not have to ask adults requests repeatedly, especially those they love, and I have learned, over the years, that if you ask someone to meet your request more than once and they are unable to do so… you have your answer:

They are either unable or unwilling to provide what is needed in regards to the specific request.

I must then decide: Am I able to accept the relationship on these terms?

If not… I may have to step away from the situation until my friend either understands why this is so important to me and comes back; willing to try and work towards meeting my needs or… I come back to the relationship accepting it on the present terms.

–

“Dear God, help me to be calm when I feel at odds in a relationship. Help me to look clearly at the situation and be honest about my expectations and my needs.”

When I was in the midst of my divorce and consumed by despair, those closest to me tried to tell me repeatedly that when time moved me through my pain, I would be so much stronger, so much happier on the other side.

At the time, I was unable to believe them, unable to see. So tied to my own vision of happiness, my own dream of what I wanted to be with my husband, that I was unable to logically examine any other possibilities. And, so worn by my grief… I didn’t want to. I wanted only what I wanted: my life with my husband.

But they were right, as time moved me forward, as I began my journey of self-awareness and spiritual growth, I began to have faith again in a master plan and that maybe my Higher Power had something much better in store for me, if I would just let go and accept that I was about to face a new beginning.

I could have never imagined then what my life would be like today.

Blessed with so many gifts, a life full of joy and abundance, and a relationship with someone I deeply love and who truly cherishes who I am… as I am… and what I bring to his life.

I thank God now for my spiritual journey.

I thank God for the hardships I endured.

Both the journey and the hardships renewed my faith by making me let go of my vision of life and opening my eyes to a far greater outcome: one where I am loved for my true self… for being exactly who I am: flaws and all.

What greater gift is there then to find someone who accepts me just as I am and chooses to love me and walk by my side on life’s journey? A partner who is a compliment to me… an anchor when my world is rocked by hardships… my solace and my friend.

_

“Dear God, thank you for getting me out of my own way. Thank you for guiding me on my spiritual journey even when I believed myself to be lost and alone.”

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to find solitude in my daily environment, circumstances continue to arise to keep me active and unable to create space to allow myself to rest and recharge.

When all else fails, I find it is then that I need to physically make my own space.

Today, overwhelmed with all of my commitments, I cleared my appointment book and left town.

For months I had been trying to wind down from event after event after event and finally, world-weary and worn I said, “Enough.”

I didn’t go far… just a drive of a few hours… enough to clear my head and find my solace in the warm wind of the open California desert and there, I was able to calm my mind, catch my breath and find my soul soothed by the beauty that surrounded me.

Tonight, I write with the knowledge that if I cannot be given space… I must create it.

Life is constantly moving… there will always be an upset, an event, a commitment that must be dealt with but if I choose to continue to overlook my own-well being at the cost of everything else… I will soon be spiritually bankrupt and unable to make clear, clean decisions on my life path.

_

“Dear God, help me to find solace and respite. Help me to soothe myself when I am overcome by life’s commitments and troubles.”

Some of the most difficult times in my life have revolved around making hard choices: choices that cause me deep pain in my heart.

To know that I love someone with everything I am… and to then realize that I have to let them go… despite my love is beyond disheartening.

But if I pay attention to my gut instinct, I know that it is the right thing to do. That something is off… that something is not working.

When my husband asked for a divorce, I fought to keep him close, to keep our marriage intact but… no matter what we tried, we could not mend what was broken.

The day I finally accepted that he was going to leave and that I would have to let go of what we were, was simultaneously one of the worst and best days of my life.

The worst, because it was the day that I began to mourn the loss of my husband, my marriage, and ultimately… my dream.

The best, because I felt an overwhelming sense of relief once I let go of trying to control something I had no ability to control: the end of my marriage.

Today, I still have to make hard choices, choices that I wish to God I didn’t have to make, but knowing that my life has thrived since my divorce helps me to have faith in my future.

_

“Dear God, help me to stand by my choice. Help me to stand with firm resolve when my emotions threaten to take over and hinder my spiritual growth.”

Last night I was at an event where a woman I had just met commented on my appearance.

She admired my dress and the way I looked in it and then said, “I love how you embrace your body image. You are so confident and it shows.”

In the past, I might have immediately jumped to… What does that mean?

But I could tell by her face that she was truly sincere in her compliment.

I realized then that for years I have worked on acceptance, in relation to others, but how often has my self-acceptance fallen to the wayside?

How many times have I been self-critical about my actions, my choice of words, my appearance, always believing I am somehow “falling short?”

I told my new acquaintance how I often struggled in the past with finding fault in all of my physical imperfections and she said, “I find that hard to believe. You are beautiful and you have really inspired me to be braver about my own appearance.”

I knew then… at that moment… by just choosing to behave “as if” that evening and wear something that maybe I wouldn’t have chosen to wear in the past, that I was heading towards spiritual growth and my own self-acceptance but… that I must continue to work on being kind to myself, less judgmental… and try not to be so hard on myself while I navigate my life.

_

“Dear God, help me to find self-awareness but also self-acceptance. Help me to be kind to others… and also be kind to myself.”