Today a good friend and I were walking and talking about life and about arguments: the message behind the message or… how the topic of a fight is usually not the real problem… that there is really a hidden problem that isn’t being addressed openly in the conversation.

I had a habit in my marriage of starting an argument out of fear: fear that I wouldn’t get my way, fear that my husband would leave, fear that I would be perceived as the “villian” in a given situation. It didn’t matter what the argument was about… the message behind the message was that I was afraid.

Fear was my message.

Today, after many years of spiritual footwork I am brave enough to tell the truth when I am at odds with my partner.

Now, when I catch myself arguing about any give topic because I’m really… just afraid of everything… I say to the person I love, “I’m hurt. I’m scared. I’m afraid that this will end up as my marriage once did: in ruins.”

And what I have found is that when I am truthful about the “real” message instead of hiding behind my argument, the fear dissipates and the person I care for tends to drop their own guard, find compassion and is more often than not, willing to help me through my fear.

This does not mean that they will alter their course just because I am fearful… I must learn to trust in my partner if I choose to be in a relationship again… I cannot hold my partner hostage to my fear but… by being vulnerable and honest… they become an ally in removing me… as the hostage… from my own self-imposed emotional prison.

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“Dear God, help me to be brave in all of my communication. Help me to share my true message when I am fearful to do so.”

My divorce was a very difficult one.

It was emotionally messy… and full of anger, passion, fear, and pain.

I had spent almost twenty years with my husband.

I had been through a lot with him and put up with so many things that I felt proved my commitment and loyalty again-and-again and I was resentful that he was the one that was now planning to leave.

The worst part though… was that even when I was full of anger… seething with frustration… I was still overwhelmed with sadness… despair… that the person I loved so desperately wanted to leave me… move on… live life without me.

It was as if I had lost someone to death… but wasn’t allowed to mourn the passing.

My relationship was over.

Life as I had known it would never be the same.

I was hurt, wounded, and afraid of the unknown.

What I never imagined at that time in my life, was that I would ever be happy again or that my life would ever be better than the one I had fantasized for me and my ex-husband.

But time and spiritual footwork moved me through and soon… my foundation felt solid and now… my life today is one that brings me great joy.

The life that I live today… surpasses everything I had hoped for in my past.

My divorce became a gift… one that taught me how to move forward through great despair, broaden my perspective, use my strength to protect my own well-being and the well-being of my children, and reminded me how much faith I have in God’s Higher Plan for us all.

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“Dear God, thank you for giving me the gift of perspective. Thank you for getting me out of my own way.”

Navigating relationships is never easy.

There are always emotional dynamics to work through, differing needs for each person from day-to-day, and patterns from the past that often create trouble even when something seems new, promising or exciting.

I used to believe that if I talked about my concerns and fears and basically… each and every thought I had about the relationship with the person I loved… that together, we would work through it… be able to figure things out.

But what I found was… that talking about the relationship excessively only wore me out and left the people I loved feeling that I was a bit of an emotional handful.

I never kept their communication patterns or navigational tools in mind: I just wanted to fix my end… be heard… and do it my way… no exceptions.

One day, someone I consider a close life mentor said to me, “People spend way too much time talking about their relationships and way too little time just living their relationship. Why don’t you stop talking for awhile and just navigate your relationship day-by-day.”

At the time, it wasn’t the answer I wanted to hear but… after I mulled it over for a bit, I realized it was worth a try.

I really worked on my side of things in my relationships quietly for awhile. I didn’t share every thought I felt had to be shared. I didn’t force a conversation out of ego, self-esteem issues, or fear. I didn’t force a verbal argument or discussion just to garner attention and I began to see over time, that most of the thoughts I absolutely felt I had to share… ended up being completely insignificant in the grand scheme of the relationship.

I was astounded to find how often I used words to manipulate others, hide fear, push people away, or latch onto a sense of control.

Today, I still struggle with staying silent, especially in new relationships when fear often guides me, but I have learned to strive towards calming down, quieting down and letting my relationships unfold organically each day.

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“Dear God, help me to decide if what I have to say will be of benefit to all. Help me to be quiet when silence will help to move me through fear and ego.”

Even though I have been divorced many years, I still find that there are moments where something my ex-husband says or does becomes an emotional trigger.

The triggers have diminished over time, but when they do occur, I am always caught off guard:

These triggers make it extremely hard to control my temper, or stop a verbal outburst against him.

I have learned though, that it is best to hold my tongue if possible or I will be the one in need of making an amends.

And why would I be the one making an amends if his behavior is so offensive?

Not because I agree with, or accept what he says or does but… because I no longer want to be reacting to his behavior or acting in a manner that is not true to my spiritual path and if I choose to engage inappropriately… then I am the one that will need to make an amends.

I know today, that these triggers are actually reminders of what I still need to work on in my own life: Issues I need to let go of and new boundaries I may need to be brave enough to set.

I must work always, to communicate in a way that represents my true, kind and compassionate self, even when an emotional trigger arises.

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“Dear God, help me to think before I speak. Help me to be calm before I react.”

Today marks a great loss for me.

One that I doubt I will ever recover from… the loss of someone very dear to me.

The time without him has been difficult and there have been many moments where I felt my despair would carry me to a place where recovery was not possible.

But still… I am grateful every day for the short time that he was in my life.

I would not take back my life with him to escape suffering today.

I could never regret loving him… only losing him.

I think of him often, and even now, his memory reminds me each day:

To be there for others…

Live life to the fullest…

Have compassion for all.

He reminds me that I will never know what may happen from one moment to the next and that I should always end my conversations with those I love, with the kindest words… showing my truest heart.

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“Dear God, thank you for bringing love into my life. Help me to be strong when change is upon me. Help me to see that in faith I find strength.”

Learning to trust again after my divorce was and still is very difficult.

As soon as my emotions become part of the equation… as soon as I start to really feel something for someone else…

I start to question everything.

Each change in text, conversation, action, seems like a “red flag” for a negative change that may be heading my way.

I am amazed that after so many years I still find myself reacting to events from my past.

It is good to be cautious… but not to the point of alienating others with constant questioning and mistrust.

I have to give those I love time to prove that they are trustworthy before passing judgement on the relationship.

If I find that there are similar patterns repeating once again in my life, then I can calmly make the decision to leave.

But to keep people at an arm’s distance, to judge them unfairly, to always jump to negative conclusions, does not help me to grow on my spiritual path and become the person that I hope to be.

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“Dear God, help me to be aware but not to unfairly judge. Help me to be observant, but not to react in haste.”

The end of my marriage was not easy for me.

But once I accepted that it was inevitable… I chose to move on with resolve.

I knew that no matter how much I loved my soon-to-be ex-husband that he no longer wanted to build a life with me and that forcing it… would not create the outcome I longed for.

Often it is hard to move on… hard to say out loud what I know to be true in my heart… hard to say something that may hurt someone I have loved, still love…

But I know now, that if both partners are unable to find a perfect fit together, at that particular time in their lives, it really is best to let go, no matter how difficult, and move forward with resolve to a new life… a new opportunity… one that may be exactly what I have been looking for.

Today, I choose to have faith on my path and move forward with true resolve.

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“Dear God, help me to have strength in my darkest hour. Help me to have clarity and faith as I choose to walk forward on my own.”

When my marriage first ended it was very hard for me to “let go” of what my soon-to-be ex-husband was up to.

It was almost an addiction: letting my mind fantasize about how much better his world must be now that I wasn’t in it.

I let my own life play second fiddle as I obsessed in despair over “his world.”

It took a lot of spiritual footwork and a lot of time to recover my sense of sanity and let go of my despair and see what I was missing: my own life.

Today, I still sometimes find myself spinning over someone else’s existence… someone I am close to in a relationship.

But now…. after years of practice… I catch myself quite quickly and reel my mind back to the present moment before I go too far over the edge.

I have to fight to let go… which sounds so strange…. but it is very true…. I have to train my mind each day to think positive thoughts, stay in the moment, stay on my spiritual course and try not to worry about what others may or may not be up to…. and if I practice this exercise… then I find myself letting go…. and my serenity returning to soothe me.

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“Dear God, please help me to let go when I find myself struggling to hold on. Let me be brave and let me be focused on my own world. Help me to “live and let live.”

Today I found myself waiting on others.

I had a big project due and my colleagues, were all delivering their work last minute: work I had to have to complete my assignment.

Even though I had contacted each person numerous times over the last several months… many of them chose to procrastinate until the very end.

Luckily, I learned something over the years that has helped me in the midst of just this type of last minute chaos: Accept that their will be delays and plan accordingly.

Having experienced delays with many of my colleagues before…. I made sure to give them a “final” deadline that was really a week ahead of my “own” true final deadline.

In that way, I was able to protect my sanity, give myself time to finish my project and review it calmly, before finalizing it and turning it in.

When I find myself in a situation where I must depend on someone that has proven at times to be unreliable, I must expect delays and set up parameters to take care of my own emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. No matter what type of relationship, professional or romantic… I must expect delays and create boundaries that keep me from chaos.

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“Dear God, help me to find patience when all patience seems to have failed me.”

For me finding serenity is about changing perspective.

It seems that whenever I get my mind dead set on a specific outcome or a specific way of doing things…. I’m suddenly flustered and in an emotional uproar.

But the moment I note that something is not going as planned, and I acknowledge the problem and move past my frustration towards a creative solution… my mind calms and my serenity returns.

By surrendering myself, by keeping an open mind, by choosing to look at multiple solutions when things go awry… I allow serenity to enter and my spirit to find relief.

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“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdow to know the difference.”