Today, I was reminded how difficult it is to lose something or someone you truly love.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work out: it just doesn’t.

Relationships change and change can be hard to accept.

I thought back to the time I shared with my special someone and I missed the way I felt when everything was new and exciting.

The way I was always the first person they thought to call and the last person they wanted to talk to in the evening.

How they loved the way I made them feel… loved the way I looked at them when we were together and accepted me just as I was.

I do not regret the time we had together… I do not regret my love for this someone… I just regret that I am no longer the first thought of their day or the woman that will be in their day-to-day life.

I know that “this too shall pass” the good and the bad of life always does, but change is often painful.

There will be hard days when recovering from a loss but…

I must accept the reality of the situation, embrace my feelings, and have faith that my Higher Power will move me through to a better place.

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“Dear God, help me to be strong. Help me to have faith in your plan. Help me to let go with love.”

Last night I was thrown off by an unforeseen event.

Someone dear to me had an opinion regarding my actions, my behavior, that I felt was unwarranted.

I was very upset about the incident.

I thought about it my entire drive home and most of the morning.

I didn’t like that my friend’s opinion of me on this occasion was negative and I began to have feelings about it.

I truly felt that I had done nothing wrong… that I had acted this way in my friend’s presence on numerous occasions before… yet tonight, for whatever reason… they were uncomfortable with my behavior.

I of course wanted to discuss it with them, find a way to mend our quarrel but, I knew that I would also have to look within myself and be willing to reflect on why their opinion bothered me so.

Was it because they were my dear friend, and so their opinion really meant something to me due to our intimate friendship or…

Was it because they had pushed an emotional button… triggering something deep inside of me that caused me to feel vulnerable and attacked?

I cannot allow my self-worth to be contingent on another person’s opinions no matter how close or dear they are to me but…

if that opinion reveals a need for my own spiritual footwork and growth…. then maybe I need to step back and address any of my issues that I may still be struggling with today.

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“Dear God, help me to hold my self-esteem intact. Help me to let opinions fall away, positive or negative, and walk my own path with a positive attitude.”

Going through a difficult divorce taught me so much about what I wanted in life and reminded me how much the little things matter.

What I missed most during our break-up were all of the small niceties that let me know that I was wanted… cared for:

A quick I love you at the beginning of a busy day…

Or maybe a short call saying that I was missed… in the afternoon.

Coming home to find a meal cooked… or the house cleaned.

Sharing a laugh… an inside joke between the two of us.

These were the things I pined for so much once I was no longer in my marriage.

The little things.

But the pain of those lonely days after my divorce became a valuable teacher. The moments I cherished, remembered, longed for reminded me of how I wanted to behave in my future relationships: considerate and thoughtful on a daily basis… taking the time to share the little things with the one that I loved.

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“Dear God, thank you for the daily kindnesses. The small moments that bring great joy.”

One of the most difficult struggles in my life is dealing with attachment and change.

I am a creature of habit.

I love my world to be bound by routine.

My home life.

My work life.

My relationships.

So, when a change occurs that I perceive as threatening or negative… I tend to react poorly.

And though I have always struggled, my entire life, with attachment and change, my divorce intensified my fear.

I was told so many times by the person that I trusted and loved that:

Nothing was wrong.

It’s work. It’s not you.

I text and call less because I’m busy not because I don’t love you.

And so, I ignored my instincts, trusted in my spouse, only to find out that he was unhappy… he was leaving… and that our relationship was over.

His betrayal absolutely rocked my entire foundation and it has taken a significant amount of time and spiritual footwork to recover from that emotional blow.

I was attached.

I was in love.

I didn’t want things to change.

But they did.

Today, I must work diligently at stepping back from my emotional attachment when someone in my life suddenly changes behaviors and texts less, calls less, compliments me less, or is absent more often from my day-to-day world.

It is so easy for me to hold on to the “story” of my past and make-up a “story” about my present that says… It happened before. It will happen again.

And… I have to be honest with myself… it may happen again.

I cannot be naive about the fact that I may be hurt in my new relationship but…

I cannot stand in limbo… or live in doubt… because of my fears.

Life is constant change and I must learn how to move through it and find acceptance in the reality of my world.

And with my significant other?

I have to to be understanding and note that relationships do change over time, the honeymoon phase is always sure to end. I must choose to fight my fear as I watch and wait to see if this is a signal of some greater problem in the relationship or just the normal fluctuation of life and love.

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“Dear God, help me to be patient and accept change. Help me to detach with love as I learn and grow in this new relationship.”

Yesterday I woke up and felt off.

When I go through difficult times I often put my own emotional and physical needs on the back burner.

And though I had been working over the last month to restore balance to my life… I was still in the emotional trenches.

I realized, as I looked in the mirror, that I hadn’t been taking care of myself and that my mood was suffering due to this fact.

Thankfully, after years of working on this particular character flaw, I took steps immediately to resolve the problem.

I went back to a healthy diet that very morning.

I exercised that afternoon.

I chose to use opposite action when dealing with difficult people or situations and…

I spent the evening seeking spiritual counseling from one of my mentors.

I have learned that it is not enough to just work on one aspect of my life when I have allowed myself to get physically and emotionally worn down.

By taking care of myself, mind and body, I present my best self to the world and find stability once again.

I feel a rise in my self-esteem, a positive change in my attitude, and a better outlook on my life.

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“Dear God, help me to put first things first. Help me to keep my emotional and physical house in order so that I can be the best that I can be during trying times.”

Over the course of the last several weeks I have been working very hard to make my own space, slow my life down, and get on with my spiritual footwork.

It hasn’t been easy… and I struggle each day with my task.

And as I was focused on my own path… someone very dear to me let me know that they also needed space.

It was funny how immediately I began to react to their request:

Why do you need space?

What did I do?

Why do you want to distance yourself from me?

It was so easy for me to see, when I needed space, that it was about my need to calm down and bring sanity back to my life.

But, as soon as someone I loved said the exact same words… it was so difficult for me to let go of my own self-esteem issues and give them what they needed.

Today, I must realize that my relationships with other people are not… “all about me.”

I must work towards being understanding, loving, kind, compassionate when someone I love asks for the same thing I ask for: time to create spiritual balance.

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“Dear God, help me accept another’s decision. Help me to be kind and compassionate and let ego go when someone I love needs space.”

During my divorce, I was so afraid of losing my husband that I often acted out in angry exchanges.

I would start our conversations, in person, on the phone, with the intent of being kind, calm, ready to listen, but…

Once I realized that he was unwilling to give-in, to come back, to work on the marriage, my fear would rise and anger would set in.

I felt like a wounded animal, trapped with no escape, and all I had left to save myself?

My bark and my bite.

The conversations would always end poorly and I would be left feeling shameful regarding my behavior, and heartbroken that once again I had reacted and let my fear consume me.

I was unable to follow one of the most well-known spiritual slogans:

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

What I really wanted to tell my husband was that I was scared… frightened… still in love… so hurt by his decision that I hid it behind my angry words.

Today, I still hide my fear behind my anger and it is a daily struggle to react appropriately when I am fearful that I will lose someone I love dearly.

But now… I do have enough time and spiritual footwork under my belt to make an amends when my behavior has been less than stellar and share the truth, as soon as possible, with the one I love:

I’m sorry.

I’m afraid to be hurt again.

I feel vulnerable in this relationship.

I will work towards expressing my emotions in a kinder way.

And though it may not always change the outcome of the situation, I know that my side of the street is clean and that my amends is honest and heartfelt.

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“Dear God, help me to be true to my emotions. Help me to be honest about my fear of vulnerability in a relationship.”

Just this morning I was in the middle of an emotional conversation with a friend I deeply care about.

I had asked him repeatedly to change certain behaviors, related to me, that I felt were detrimental to our relationship.

However, no matter how many times I asked, no matter how many times I tried to explain that his actions were causing me pain, my friend was not able to follow through in regards to my requests.

He was sometimes apologetic for his behavior…

Sometimes dismissive…

Sometimes full of excuses… but nothing ever changed.

I hated asking again and again: Adults should not have to ask adults requests repeatedly, especially those they love, and I have learned, over the years, that if you ask someone to meet your request more than once and they are unable to do so… you have your answer:

They are either unable or unwilling to provide what is needed in regards to the specific request.

I must then decide: Am I able to accept the relationship on these terms?

If not… I may have to step away from the situation until my friend either understands why this is so important to me and comes back; willing to try and work towards meeting my needs or… I come back to the relationship accepting it on the present terms.

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“Dear God, help me to be calm when I feel at odds in a relationship. Help me to look clearly at the situation and be honest about my expectations and my needs.”