When I was in my marriage, I often expressed love the way that I wanted to be shown love:

I gave words… freely, willingly.

I believed that by expressing my love to my husband verbally, I was giving him what he wanted: and affirmation of my love and commitment to him.

But what I found out after my divorce, and after years of spiritual footwork, is that there are several ways to express love and that just because I like words, affirmations, to prove someone is committed to me, it does not mean that my partner feels the same about that form of expression.

Today I know that when I want to show love to someone I care for it is best to find out what makes them feel most cherished and secure in the relationship:

Is it words of affirmation they need?

Do they prefer that I clear the calendar and spend quality time with them… no distractions?

Would they prefer that I show my love through simple acts of service, bringing them coffee? Cooking a nice meal on a night when they are feeling worn?

Is it a gift that they need? Something that truly makes them smile? A book they love but haven’t bought? A gift card to a favorite store?

Or would my loved one like some time alone. Some time to relax and unwind and not worry that I will be offended at their need for solitude?

A relationship is like a dance and I must learn how to move with my partner, to find our own rhythm and language so that our expression of love compliments each other’s needs.

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“Dear God, help me to express my love. Help me to give what is needed to those I care about.”

When I falter in my faith I falter on my path.

If I allow myself to wallow in self-pity… become consumed with despair…

I fall short of the plans that my Higher Power holds for me.

By making a conscience effort to keep a daily contact with God through prayer and quiet reflection, I choose to walk in faith instead of wander in chaos and pain.

When I find myself becoming overwhelmed with my day-to-day life, consumed with questions, concerns, and lost for answers, I must make time to connect with my Higher Power, and renew my faith in his plan.

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“Dear God, help me to stay close to you. Help me to walk in faith and hope as I let go of pain and despair.”

One of the lessons that I learned from going through my divorce, was that if at any time, during the course of a new relationship, I felt it wasn’t working for me… I could leave.

This did not mean that I could rashly discard people from my life on a whim but… it was a way of giving myself permission to step back if I caught myself repeating old patterns of behavior with a new partner; who was too similar to my past partner in attitude and action.

The key was.. for me to look at my trust issues rationally and decide if my new partner was truly behaving in a way that was creating new trust issues or… if I was allowing my past to affect my new relationship.

If a new partner, time-and-time again, behaves in a manner that proves I cannot take their word at face value, then it is time for me to reconsider the relationship and if: it is healthy to allow this person in my life.

If I find that I am using my own fears and trust issues to scrutinize and harass my new partner and punish them for hurts against me that they did not commit, then I have a responsibility to myself, and my new partner, to work on my own issues and behave in a loving and mature manner until I am able to work through my past.

“Dear God, help me to be loving and kind. Help me to embrace and trust those around me.”

Over the course of my life, I have found that retreats help me regain balance and composure when I am overwhelmed with commitments, opportunities, and choices.

When I take the time to break from my daily routine, my familiar world, and allow my mind to rest and contemplate what I truly want in my life, I find that the answers become crystal clear.

It is not always easy to get away but there is something about an open road, a walk in the woods, a moment of awe experienced in complete isolation and silence, that allows time to slow down and answers to appear.

If I choose to walk a spiritual path… then I must create time for spiritual awakening.

Making space for retreats each year, helps me to be true to my beliefs, follow my heart, and be better to those around me by being clear in my intent.

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“Dear God, thank you for providing me with clarity. Thank you for guiding me through peace and solitude.”

There have been times in my life that I fight the inevitable change around me.

Refusing to accept the end of my marriage.

Refusing to accept a loved one’s decision.

Refusing to make modifications in my own life that might actually be for the better.

Why?

Because I am fearful of the unknown.

When I find myself refusing to accept a particular change, I must calm my mind and search to find what I am so afraid of…

Afraid that I will lose my allusion of control?

Afraid that someone I love may end up hurt?

Afraid that I might make a choice that I may regret?

I am not living life to the fullest if I am living in fear.

I must be brave and accept change… change is part of life and I cannot stop change from finding me.

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“Dear God, help me to trust in your guidance. Help me to embrace change and move bravely forward.”

Sometimes I choose to be stubborn even when I know that it doesn’t serve me well.

It may be, that someone I have had issues with in the past asks me to do something, and I feel myself refusing based solely on resentments.

Or, it may be a task that I have completed “my way” for many years and when someone tries to show me a different way, or maybe a better way, I choose to dig in and refuse to change.

When I catch myself being stubborn I must stop and ask myself, “Why?”

Being stubborn usually stems from my own “ego” issues.

It does not serve me well to walk through life with a closed mind, sure in my ways, sure that anyone around me who does things differently can’t possibly be right.

If I choose to behave in a stubborn manner, I choose not to walk my true spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me to have an open mind. Help me to see all sides of an issue and to always be willing to try something new.”

In the past, when I would fall in love with someone, I would completely lose myself in the intensity of the emotions.

Overwhelmed with joy and passion, I would rush blindly ahead without looking at the reality of the situation.

It felt so good to be loved, desired, attracted to another person that… my feelings would override my logic and soon… as the intensity wore down… I would be in a relationship with a partner that was not a good match for me.

Lost in the fantasy of what he could be…

Lost in the fantasy of what we could be…

My entire life would change to “chaotic” and I would most often end up in a care-taking relationship, where my own needs were waylaid, while my mind stayed firmly focused on my new “man of potential.”

Today, I know that I must rein my emotions in and take the time to look at the reality of things before jumping in both feet.

Is this new partner on the same life path as me?

Does he have the same core values?

Has he proven to be trustworthy and loving with partners in the past?

If I don’t look honestly for “red flags of behavior” the reality is… that I could end up repeating an old familiar relationship, from my past, with a new partner.

A relationship that did not serve me well and would not serve me well in my new life.

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“Dear God, help me to see the reality of things. Help me to be guided on this new path.”

Sometimes I catch myself playing out patterns of old behavior with new partners.

Something familiar in a new partner’s tone… may trigger an unwelcome response from me, due to a bad memory from my past.

Something familiar in a new partner’s manner may remind me of a time when I was treated poorly by my former spouse.

Most often, this person has done nothing wrong… nothing to deserve my negative response and usually, this new person has no idea why I suddenly became snappy… or distant… or sullen.

It is then that I must step back from my reaction and examine my feelings, acknowledge the trigger, take a moment to explain and apologize to my new partner for my outburst and accept that the past is the past.

If I continue to react to past events in my new relationships, I will not be able to maintain a loving and kind manner which my new partner so richly deserves.

If I am unable to move through my emotions and away from the past, then maybe I am not ready to move forward in a new relationship.

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“Dear God, help me to be kind to those I love. Help me to let the past remain the past and move forward with respect to my new partner and my new relationship”

There are times in my life when I know that it is best to wait… be patient…. choose not to make a choice but there are other times I know with absolute surety that it is time to take action.

I have often felt this moment as a “gut” response.

A turning point where my mind has one vivid moment of clarity and I hear a small yet strong voice inside of me make a firm decision.

When I hear this voice, I know that it is time to take action.

When I have been weighing all of my choices…

When I have been turning over a particular problem again and again…

When I feel that I have exhausted all of my options…

It is time to listen to the voice inside of me, the surety of the moment, move forward and take action.

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“Dear God, help me to listen. Help me to be sure of the choices I make and to take action with confidence.”