My divorce was one of the most difficult life events I have ever experienced. It took a great deal of time and spiritual footwork to get through the pain and heal my heart. And though my life today is better than I could have ever imagined it would be… it doesn’t magically give me peace-of-mind or mean that it is always “perfect.” In fact, life is still difficult today… I am a caregiver to many: My aging mother, my adult children, my students, my friends.There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not worried about one or all of them.

And, this is why it is up to me to find peace within the chaos of my life. I can’t have the mentality that if I “just get through this” or I “just get through that” that everything will suddenly be okay. That is not how life works. It would be exhausting to wait for that “perfect time” that “perfect day” to come and I would be letting life pass me by as I looked towards an illusion… a fantasy.

Life is messy. Life is upsetting. Life is full of changes that I do not want to accept. But still, I must find a way to stay balanced that works for me: Prayer and meditation, journaling my thoughts, walking in nature, continuing on in my spiritual footwork and living in the moment. I must find the joy and embrace it, no matter how small: laughing with a loved one, hugging my child, being supportive to a good friend… It can all change in a moment so I must hold closely the moments that remind me how truly wonderful life is.

– “Dear God, help me to stay in the moment and to embrace the joy that I find there.”

After my divorce I found it hard to trust my instincts when it came to romantic relationships.

I was sure that everyone who wanted to date me had an agenda and that agenda was to hurt me.

It was an extremely skewed point-of-view but, I had been so caught up in the pain of my husband’s decision to leave, that I could not look at it from any other vantage.

I was trapped in my own broken logic: my husband had lied to me, left our marriage, and if I let anyone else in… they might possibly do the exact same thing.

It is always good to have boundaries after suffering a terrible hurt.

Being cautious, careful, are good qualities to have but… to be controlled by the fear of what “might come to pass” is not living life:

It is hiding behind past experiences and refusing to bravely walk into the future.

Today I know that I have to trust until I have been given sufficient reason not to trust.

And if I am unable to do that…  I must consider that I am not ready for a romantic relationship… and that I must continue on with my spiritual footwork until I am able to approach a new romantic relationship with an open mind and an open heart.

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“Dear God, help me to set clear boundaries in all of my relationships but help me to have trust so that my boundaries do not become walls to keep the people I love at bay.”

Because of my past experiences, distance in relationships tends to cause me to become fearful and anxious.

It always surprises me when my emotional triggers take over because I am not the type of person to get wound or worked up if I don’t talk to a particular person for a day or two and I like a lot of independent down time and prefer not to be “joined at the hip” with anyone no matter how much I enjoy their company.

But, when someone I care for goes silent… disappears without a word… suddenly changes the pattern of our routine… I react and everything in me tells me that this is about to be a “repeat” of the pain and despair I suffered at the end of my marriage and throughout my divorce.

Unfortunately, once triggered, my shadow self appears and instead of taking a step back, calmly thinking about the situation with my emotions set aside, I begin to let fear drive me and soon… the person I love is now just as I upset as I am by the entire situation.

If I am concerned about a loved one’s distance… if I feel boundaries are being crossed… then I should approach the issue, when I am calm and ready to talk without emotion ruling the conversation, and ask for what I need in my relationship, and explain why I am struggling and triggered.

However, if someone needs distance and I an unwilling to give it to them, judging them due to past events they had nothing to do with, then maybe I am not emotionally ready to begin a new relationship.

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“Dear God, help me to accept other’s as they are. Help me to give the people I love what I would want for myself.”

When I was young, I did not believe in timing.

Timing to me was an excuse to get out of something.

Timing was a way to keep people at bay.

Timing meant that “I wasn’t really invested in the relationship.”

Whenever I heard the words, “I’m sorry. It’s just bad timing” I would emotionally shut down.

Today, I know that timing does play into relationships.

There are truly incidents of bad timing and I have to accept that this does not mean that someone loves me less, or is trying to slight me in anyway.

The truth is… no matter how much I may not like it… the world is not “all about me” and everyone in it does not operate on my specific time frame.

I myself have now said on numerous occasions to people I truly love and enjoy spending time with: “I can’t. I’m sorry. The timing is not working out for me.”

Our lives don’t always run in sync with each other.

I know that I must be patient and accept that if I am valued in a relationship, and if I truly value that person as well, there will come a time when we will be able to be together again.

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“Dear God, help me to accept that life does not run on my time frame. Help me trust in my Higher Power’s time… and that when it is right, I will find a moment to connect with my loved one once again.”

During my marriage and my divorce, I often struggled with the concept of clarity.

I would second guess every decision I made… sure that if I hesitated in an action I would appear to be a doormat and that if I rushed an jumped into action, I would be seen as irrational or later regret my decision.

I wished then… and I still wish for this today… that clarity would somehow show up in a “booming voice from the sky” or a sign that was so big it could not be denied and I would be sure in all of my choices.

Unfortunately for me, that is not how clarity works.

Clarity comes to me quietly.

In my new relationships, it usually follows a series of incidents that caused my emotions to fluctuate between highly-elated to dismal and despaired and makes me question my ability to function as a spiritually sound individual within this particular bond.

After accepting this roller coaster of emotion, I begin to hear a very small voice inside of my head question my current direction:

Is this the type of relationship you want today?

Is this the type of person you want to rely on?

Is this acceptable behavior or have you fallen back into old patterns with a new person?

If I care for the person, it can be hard to step back, let go of my emotions, and listen to the “voice” of clarity.

But when it does arrive… it is a solid sounding bell within me that holds a steady tone and assures me that the time for action is now and that my path is clear.

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“Dear God, help me to listen for the quiet voice of clarity. Help me to trust that if I am patient, all will be revealed in time.”

I once read a book where a character said, “I have faith… I just want proof to back it up.” and I laughed because it sounded so much like myself.

Always willing to have faith… always willing to do the spiritual footwork to grow… but still expecting some guarantee from my Higher Power or the universe that once I did these things… the outcome would be the one I wanted.

During my divorce, I did everything to save my marriage: counseling, spiritual footwork, making difficult changes, all in hopes that my husband and I would get back together but…

That was not to be.

It was very difficult for me to hear people say things like… “Maybe your Higher Power is getting you out of your own way so that he can bring something better to you” when I was in so much despair and sure that I deserved my marriage to work out “my way” since I had put in so much time to fix it.

Well… life, unlike school, does not function like that: there is no specific formula, no amount of studying that will get me that A+ I so desire on my next big life event.

True faith is doing the spiritual footwork, giving your all, hoping for the best and then accepting the outcome even when it doesn’t seem to suit your needs.

Letting go and trusting in my Higher Power is still a bit of a struggle for me in the present… control and holding on… always my first instinct… my nature.

But the experience of my divorce has shown me that the outcome I so longed for… believed was best… was not the best outcome for me.

My Higher Power did have a much better plan on my horizon and today… my life is more than I could have ever imagined.

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“Dear God, help me to have faith in your plan. Help me to let go of specific outcomes and believe that what I need will be provided for in time.”

I loved my marriage, I loved my husband, but this did not mean that I had trust in him.

Time-after-time, during my husband’s long periods of addiction, he would break promises, lie, and contradict his own words with his unhealthy behavior.

And even though this happened numerous times, I would somehow put it out of my mind and believe that the next time he would get it right… the next time my love for him would overwhelm him and he would be a better man for me.

But the truth is, we often love people that we cannot trust and may never be able to trust.

I did not know going into my relationship with my husband that there would be a separation of these two things… I found out about our mounting trust issues long after I had already committed myself and my heart to him.

Today I still find it hard to accept that I can’t always trust someone I love but, I have to see the reality of the situation.

If I cannot depend on someone I love to follow through on their promises, then I have to stop trusting blindly, and without hesitation, set boundaries, and even choose to keep my distance, knowing that the inconsistencies of their actions and words have created a scenario where I can love them… but cannot trust them… and therefore I must care for and protect myself.

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“Dear God, help me to trust myself. Help me to set clear boundaries with those I love for my own sanity and balance.”

When I suffered the painful setback of my divorce I was so full of despair that my goals dissipated.

Everything I had been working for seemed pointless without the love of my husband and so… depressed and weary… I let everything go.

It seemed the smallest thing was too difficult to do:

Sleep.

Shower.

Eat.

Work.

My days were full of endless sadness.

I was fortunate to have comfort from a work colleague, a woman who became like a mother figure to me, who would see me each morning and say, “We just have to get through today. And… if you can’t get through today… just get through the next few minutes. I will be right here.”

I would go in my room and try to teach my students, then excuse myself, walk across the hallway, where she would walk out of her own classroom, wipe the tears from my eyes, hug me close, and then say, “Just until the bell rings. Just make it until the bell rings. I’m right here if you need me.”

I cannot thank her enough for being my strength when my strength was gone.

She got me through those first very painful months and each time I hit a small goal:

Making it through a day without crying…

Sleeping through the night…

Being able to keep a meal down…

She was there to cheer me on.

And when my goals became bigger:

Going back to school for my Master’s Degree…

Writing…

Buying my first home…

She continued to offer me support.

During times of despair we need someone to champion us… to see our small progress as we struggle to overcome pain.

Today, I offer my own experience and strength, and hope that my words, my presence, offers comfort to those who need it.

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“Dear God, help me to give my compassion to those in need. Help me to be present for those who long for comfort.”