Often times my head is so focused on future events that I forget to remain grounded in the present.

It seems sometimes that my life becomes a succession of: the next thing I have to do, the next big event, or a magical time when everything will be just as it should be.

Well, that isn’t reality.

Reality is right here in front of me.

It is paying attention to my fingers on the keyboard as I type: focusing on putting my thoughts into words. It is me… here in the moment… savoring the time I have right now.

When I find myself living “up in my head” or thinking about numerous chores, commitments or events on my horizon…

I must center myself and maintain balance by bringing myself back into the present.

Note a cool breeze… a bird as it flies past… a neighbor waving hello….

because this is life… and life moves quickly… and I must live for these moments… they may be the only ones I have…. I must find joy in the day-to-day.

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“Dear God, help me to stay grounded in the present. Help me to be in the moment and cherish what joys I find there.”

Lately I have been struggling with resentments. It happens from time-to-time and even when I am working really hard to stay balanced or focused on my spiritual footwork, situations… relationships come along that create problems. In the past, I chose to hold resentments… for a day… a month… a year…. unwilling to admit that it damaged me… my self-esteem… my self-worth… my peace… my balance: and not the person or situation I was resenting. In fact, they usually continued on in their own life, most often blissfully unaware of my perceived slight, as I reverted farther into my shadow self and allowed my anger and frustration to consume me… obsessed with how I had been “wronged…” how I had been “damaged…” how I deserved an amends. Today, after many years of spiritual footwork, I take time to calm down from the situation and ask myself “How important is it?” and if I find it is really something silly in the grand scheme of life… I choose to let it go. However, when I am truly suffering through a more serious struggle, I find myself able to ask for clarity from my Higher Power, consult with a trusted friend, and then… when the time is right, express my feelings regarding the particular situation or the person I am feeling resentful towards. I cannot be sure that everything will be resolved through the conversation, but I can be sure that my side of the street is clean, my voice has been heard, and that if I am unable to settle the matter at that moment… more will be revealed by my Higher Power over time and maybe… lead me to resolving my own pain. – “Dear God, help me to have peace of mind in a moment of frustration. Help me to find relief from my resentments and trust in your guidance.”

Sometimes my mind becomes so distracted by a problem that I fall into obsessive thinking.

Unable to control my thoughts, my mind races through scenarios, until I have imagined every worse case outcome and have become triggered and worn by my mental toying.

If I allow myself to become overwhelmed by my obsessive thinking soon… it escalates to obsessive talk.

I will search out anyone and everyone and find a way to bring “my obsession” into the conversation.

Unfortunately, this is me allowing my mind to hold me hostage and… this tires the person having to deal with my runaway thoughts and feelings… and leaves me to “spin my wheels” since nothing can be reasoned out or accomplished when my mind is inundated by negative noise.

It doesn’t matter what device I have devised to keep me from my obsessive thinking:

A command I say to myself to “STOP…”

A rubber band on my wrist to snap each time I allow my mind to obsessively wander…

A hiatus from social media that may be triggering my obssession…

Or a visit with a trusted mentor to gather strength and support when I am feeling vulnerable and triggered.

Despite what my emotions tell me… I can choose not to engage in obsessive thoughts.

Obsession will not solve my problems and allowing obsession to control me will leave me in a poor mental and physical state and lead me to my “shadow self.”

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“Dear God, help me to pay attention to my thinking and let go of my obsession. Help me to calm my mind and contemplate my problems when I am emotionally ready to do so.”

I was in a constant state of anxiety during my marriage.

Part of the problem was my own internal fears that I brought into the relationship:

I was afraid of losing my husband and being abandoned and…

I was afraid of being neglected or seen as unlovable.

These were beliefs that I had carried with me since childhood and nurtured by choosing unhealthy relationships that amplified my negative self-talk.

So, when these fears came true during my divorce, they once again validated my own internal fear: that I was not worthy of love.

Today, there have been times when I have gone back to the same type of relationship as my marriage, not because I want fear and dysfunction in my life but, because the unhealthy relationship is familiar: it is what I have been programmed to accept; fear… anxiety… drama… despair.

But I have learned through spiritual footwork that the other part of this relationship problem is the people I choose to get involved with…

Their actions cater to my own negative beliefs.

Their unreliable behavior leads me to always believe, even when they are on their best behavior, that there must be a catch and that sooner or later they will let me down again.

Basically… it is my shadow-self seeking another shadow-self to recreate patterns from my past.

A way of playing out negative beliefs… or becoming lost in the fantasy that this time… it will somehow… magically… be different and all work out.

But it is never different.

An unhealthy relationship is an unhealthy relationship.

If I choose to engage with someone that brings out my fears, my short comings, I am allowing myself to be controlled by my negative beliefs.

If I choose to keep someone in my life, and accept short bursts of attention and validation to make me feel “better in the moment” then I am selling myself short on what I can truly expect in a relationship with a kind, loving person who is willing to commit to me fully, and does not trigger my fear or my shadow self through inappropriate and unhealthy behavior.

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“Dear God, help me be willing to let go of unhealthy relationships. Help me to be strong enough to walk away from what is hurting me.”

Today was a difficult day.

I was challenged.

I was triggered.

I was emotionally worn and unable to stay as calm as I would have liked.

But even in my worst moments I was able to do two things:

One, explain to the people I love and care about that I was having a bad day, that I was having a hard time controlling my emotions, and that I would do my best not to take my frustration out on them.

And two, I was able to stop several times and say to myself: How important will this be a month from now? Six months from now? A year? Five years?

And find solace in the fact that what I was so worked up about today, would pass into oblivion in a very short amount of time.

It is so important to find evidence of spiritual growth on days that I am triggered.

Everyone has bad days… everyone struggles with emotions.

I need to be kind to myself and realize that triggers are part of life… challenges we all face… and I must continue to find how to face each… with grace and dignity.

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“Dear God, help me to surrender. Help me to let go of what is out of my control and accept that today, I have done my best and that tomorrow, I will be able to start fresh again.”

Sometimes there are no words.

Sometimes, worn by emotion, exhausted from running up against the same emotional wall again-and-again, it is best to stop… hit bottom… and be silent and still.

My divorce always left me wanting to explain, discuss, analyze, to make sense of what had happened to me… the “why” of what went wrong but in the end…

when all of the words had been spoken… when every situation… every angle had been explored…. there was nothing left but for me to sit and be quiet with my feelings and accept that my marriage was over.

Today, I still push for answers, I still struggle with just letting things be… but I also know that if I seek solitude… if I allow myself to be quiet… my mind calms long enough to provide answers to questions that have been troubling me.

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“Dear God, help me to be quiet and let my thoughts rest. Help me to find peace in silence and allow myself to be soothed by solitude.”

Just the other day I was talking to one of my mentors.

I was sad about a relationship that hadn’t gone the way I expected it to go and feeling the pain of the loss.

Disappointed I said, “I just wish it had lasted longer.”

She looked at me… and in her most loving motherly tone said, “Welcome to reality… don’t we all wish for that.”

And isn’t that the truth?

Of course I want wonderful moments to last forever but that is not how life works.

Life is endless change and we all suffer losses great and small…

A lost marriage.

A lost loved one.

A lost friendship.

The pain that I suffer during each significant moment is first grief and then… pain due to my refusal to accept the reality of the situation, admit the loss, and let go.

I cling to what is familiar… I cling to the memories of what once was.

But today, I know that I have to work to accept change and look forward to what life will bring me.

I have many more moments of unexpected joy on the horizon if I accept today, things as they are, grieve my losses, and look forward to my future.

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“Dear God, thank you for bringing joy into my life and help me to accept change. Help me to trust in your path and know that I will find joy again.”

I grew up in a household that was full of passion.

Intensity was a constant in our home and so… we learned early on to “bring it up a notch” instead of “bringing it down” when arguments escalated.

We were kings and queens of ultimatums and shouted them out with abandon during the heat of the moment:

Don’t come home.

Don’t come back.

Don’t think I will ever forget this.

Don’t… don’t… don’t.

And then of course, when tears had been shed, tempers had cooled… everything went back to normal as if it had never happened at all.

As if those words had never been said.

Today, I know that all or nothing mentality does not work in a relationship.

I cannot address someone I say I truly care about with, “This is just how it is supposed to be and you will have to deal with it.”

Nor can I walk around throwing out ultimatums when I don’t get my way.

That is not adult, loving, or kind and it means that I choose to lead in the relationship by using control instead of sharing in the relationship and using communication.

A relationship is defined as: a state of being connected.

How am I supposed to remain connected to another human being if I choose to behave this way?

When I find myself in all or nothing mentality, it is best that I step back and calm my emotions before I engage in a conversation with someone I love.

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“Dear God, help me to be fair in my relationships. Help me to look at the situation from a different perspective other than my own limited view.”

After spending almost twenty years in a marriage that was highly chaotic and turbulent, it became hard to decipher what was truly a crisis and what was merely an inconvenience.

My husband and I became masters of drama.

Every event was an opportunity to play out inappropriate behavior between our “shadow selves.”

It was our dance, one we had crafted over the years, and dysfunctional as it may have been, it was our way of communicating, creating passion, chaos, and receiving attention from each other, even if negative, when we felt neglected.

When I began to learn new patterns of behavior and try them out in first my marriage, then throughout my divorce, and soon… new relationships, I realized that it was very easy for me to bring the drama up about everything… due to the fact… that I had been doing so most of my adult life.

It was a struggle to learn that though everything may ‘feel’ like a crisis… it doesn’t mean it is a crisis.

My favorite saying became: How important is it?

If I am truly staying in the moment… staying in the day…. I find that most of the problems that I get overly worked up about are truly insignificant.

It is so much easier to ask myself “How important is it?” before jumping into a dramatic reaction.

It saves my peace and serenity… it keeps me confident in my ability to exercise some self-control in a trying situation and it reminds me that “this too shall pass.”

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“Dear God, help me to stay calm when I feel irrational. Help me to be a source of confidence and serenity when situations seem unmanageable.”

After my divorce, I was afraid to let anyone new into my life. I was fearful of the pain that might come from loving someone again or, even wanting to love someone again, and ultimately… maybe losing someone again. Almost a year passed by as I worked on my own spiritual growth and put dating to the side until I felt strong enough to deal with my emotions. My first attempts at opening myself up to someone new was difficult to take: I felt vulnerable, I felt uneasy, and more than anything, I still felt that I was not entirely over my husband and not truly being fair by starting something up with someone who was ready for a new relationship… who was interested in dating me. But as time went on, and my emotional and physical well-being continued to improve, and I became more sure as I set boundaries that were not too loose and not too rigid, I found that it was lovely to have new experiences with people who were genuinely interested in me as a person. It was nice to feel desired once again… attractive…. intelligent… beautiful. And through these friendships, I began to heal. It wasn’t always easy, there were times when I opened myself up to the wrong person, found someone similar to my former partner and tried to recreate old patterns of behavior that even though chaotic, felt familiar. But each time I “slipped” my recovery time became shorter. I would catch myself, realize my mistake and quickly work towards righting my balance. It was not easy to open my heart again after such a great loss, but today, I know… that life is about taking the risk… about letting others in. I have found so many wonderful new friends and loved ones by being brave… by moving forward… by taking that risk. – “Dear God, help me to be brave. Help me to open my heart and let others in.”