Lately I have been struggling with difficult choices.

In my day-to-day life, when it comes to making decisions at work, or giving others advice… I excel at being decisive and direct.

But… when it comes to my heart… when it comes to love… I often still struggle.

My divorce left me wounded and so, when I find myself confronted in a relationship with a difficult choice to make, I’m not quite sure how to react:

If I react with haste: I berate myself for not being patient.

If I don’t react or set boundaries: I berate myself for being a people-pleaser, a doormat.

I am amazed, after all of this time, that I am still triggered by the painful experiences of my past.

Today, when faced with difficult choices, I ask myself the following things:

Is it good for me?

Is it good for my family, my love ones?

Am I making this decision out of fear?

Have I set aside a significant amount of time to give careful thought to my choice?

Have I talked it through with friends I trust? Looking at all angles before making a decision?

Will there be consequences to my choice and can I accept them?

Difficult decisions should not be made in haste.

It is important to not be rash when it will affect my own heart and the heart of someone I love.

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“Dear God, help me to be calm as I work through my feelings related to a difficult decision. Help me to trust in my own internal compass and your guidance.”

Most people in my life are amazed that I am afraid of anything… I tend to come off so sure of myself and strong.

But like everyone… I do have fears… some real… some perceived… and though I am often brave, their are times where I allow my fear to get the better of me.

Lately, I have been full of fear: fear of rejection, fear of being out of control, fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings, and this fear has been driving my actions.

I do not like being dominated by my “shadow self” by my self-doubt and insecurities.

It leaves me in a state of apprehension and worry and soon… my focus on what is important in life: the people I love, my work, my creativity… all take a back seat to my fears.

When I find myself in this place… I must remind myself that I am reacting to “false evidence appearing real.”

This fear is my own creation based on:

Memories of my past hurts driving my emotions in my present relationships.

Fear of my own actions or reactions that I am projecting onto other people.

Fear that I will fail… that I will be perceived as weak for letting someone know that I need help.

It is hard to stand back from the emotion of fear when it overwhelms but to walk through it I must do just that: observe it… acknowledge it… and admit to myself that this is my ego struggling with the unfamiliar and clinging to what I know and trust even if what I know and trust… is dysfunctional.

I must be brave when faced with “false evidence appearing real” and pray for guidance as I move through it and towards a higher spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me let go of false fear and focus on the truth. Help me to willingly and bravely acknowledge my apprehension and worry as I work towards letting it go.”

Change is never easy for me.

Even when I know it is for the best.

I am a creature of habit.

I like to keep those I love close to me.

I don’t like when circumstances arise that create distance and change the mood of a relationship.

I tend to react.

I tend to become afraid.

Even when I believe in my Higher Power’s plan… there is still… something… inside of me that worries like a fearful child: I want to clutch tightly at what is mine.

One of my most trusted friends said to me the other day, “Have you ever been in a row boat?”

I wasn’t sure what this topic had to do with change, but I was willing to listen.

“When you are on one side of the boat,” she said. “And someone is riding along with you on the other side of the boat…. you float smoothly… in perfect balance.”

I imagined the image of this row boat in my mind. I pictured the glassy river, the calm of the air, two people riding peacefully along side-by-side and I let myself become quiet.

“Now what happens when you try to cross over to the other side of that boat and sit very, very close to the person you are with?” She asked.

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud… her image was so crystal clear.

“We tip!” I said.

I haven’t been able to let the image go all week and to be honest, I doubt I ever will.

Whenever I react… try to hold someone close…. reach to grab on… push and beg… I am putting myself in a position to “tip” my own boat.

In situations where a relationship is in the process of change, it is better for me to stay on “my side of the boat” keep my life in balance and hope that we will once again find our mooring: our shared togetherness.

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“Dear God, help me to understand when change surrounds me. Help me to look at it with a calm mind and a kind heart.”

There have been times since my divorce that I have doubted my choices and the spiritual path that I walk.

In the beginning, it seemed that I was traveling blindly… no markers… no compass… to help navigate my direction.

But as time went on and my footing steadied… I realized that there were guides all around me: in the strength that I carried inside of me and in the people I met who had walked the path before. People who were willing to share their experience, strength, and hope as I carried on.

Today, I have very little fear of what lay before me on my path.

I have survived so many ups-and-downs, so many painful moments; divorce, the death of precious loved ones, and I know… that this is life and I cannot control it.

I have learned that holding onto the past, setting my mind on one fixed point and refusing to change it, only causes me heartache and pain.

Once I choose to walk the path, I cannot look behind at the turn that now obscures what was once my world. I must look ahead, excited to see what lay around the next turn: my future and so many wonderful opportunities for growth, change, and happiness.

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“Dear God, help me follow my own path. Let me not be swayed by my own doubts or the doubts of others.”

Today, I was reminded how difficult it is to lose something or someone you truly love.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work out: it just doesn’t.

Relationships change and change can be hard to accept.

I thought back to the time I shared with my special someone and I missed the way I felt when everything was new and exciting.

The way I was always the first person they thought to call and the last person they wanted to talk to in the evening.

How they loved the way I made them feel… loved the way I looked at them when we were together and accepted me just as I was.

I do not regret the time we had together… I do not regret my love for this someone… I just regret that I am no longer the first thought of their day or the woman that will be in their day-to-day life.

I know that “this too shall pass” the good and the bad of life always does, but change is often painful.

There will be hard days when recovering from a loss but…

I must accept the reality of the situation, embrace my feelings, and have faith that my Higher Power will move me through to a better place.

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“Dear God, help me to be strong. Help me to have faith in your plan. Help me to let go with love.”

Last night I was thrown off by an unforeseen event.

Someone dear to me had an opinion regarding my actions, my behavior, that I felt was unwarranted.

I was very upset about the incident.

I thought about it my entire drive home and most of the morning.

I didn’t like that my friend’s opinion of me on this occasion was negative and I began to have feelings about it.

I truly felt that I had done nothing wrong… that I had acted this way in my friend’s presence on numerous occasions before… yet tonight, for whatever reason… they were uncomfortable with my behavior.

I of course wanted to discuss it with them, find a way to mend our quarrel but, I knew that I would also have to look within myself and be willing to reflect on why their opinion bothered me so.

Was it because they were my dear friend, and so their opinion really meant something to me due to our intimate friendship or…

Was it because they had pushed an emotional button… triggering something deep inside of me that caused me to feel vulnerable and attacked?

I cannot allow my self-worth to be contingent on another person’s opinions no matter how close or dear they are to me but…

if that opinion reveals a need for my own spiritual footwork and growth…. then maybe I need to step back and address any of my issues that I may still be struggling with today.

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“Dear God, help me to hold my self-esteem intact. Help me to let opinions fall away, positive or negative, and walk my own path with a positive attitude.”

Going through a difficult divorce taught me so much about what I wanted in life and reminded me how much the little things matter.

What I missed most during our break-up were all of the small niceties that let me know that I was wanted… cared for:

A quick I love you at the beginning of a busy day…

Or maybe a short call saying that I was missed… in the afternoon.

Coming home to find a meal cooked… or the house cleaned.

Sharing a laugh… an inside joke between the two of us.

These were the things I pined for so much once I was no longer in my marriage.

The little things.

But the pain of those lonely days after my divorce became a valuable teacher. The moments I cherished, remembered, longed for reminded me of how I wanted to behave in my future relationships: considerate and thoughtful on a daily basis… taking the time to share the little things with the one that I loved.

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“Dear God, thank you for the daily kindnesses. The small moments that bring great joy.”

One of the most difficult struggles in my life is dealing with attachment and change.

I am a creature of habit.

I love my world to be bound by routine.

My home life.

My work life.

My relationships.

So, when a change occurs that I perceive as threatening or negative… I tend to react poorly.

And though I have always struggled, my entire life, with attachment and change, my divorce intensified my fear.

I was told so many times by the person that I trusted and loved that:

Nothing was wrong.

It’s work. It’s not you.

I text and call less because I’m busy not because I don’t love you.

And so, I ignored my instincts, trusted in my spouse, only to find out that he was unhappy… he was leaving… and that our relationship was over.

His betrayal absolutely rocked my entire foundation and it has taken a significant amount of time and spiritual footwork to recover from that emotional blow.

I was attached.

I was in love.

I didn’t want things to change.

But they did.

Today, I must work diligently at stepping back from my emotional attachment when someone in my life suddenly changes behaviors and texts less, calls less, compliments me less, or is absent more often from my day-to-day world.

It is so easy for me to hold on to the “story” of my past and make-up a “story” about my present that says… It happened before. It will happen again.

And… I have to be honest with myself… it may happen again.

I cannot be naive about the fact that I may be hurt in my new relationship but…

I cannot stand in limbo… or live in doubt… because of my fears.

Life is constant change and I must learn how to move through it and find acceptance in the reality of my world.

And with my significant other?

I have to to be understanding and note that relationships do change over time, the honeymoon phase is always sure to end. I must choose to fight my fear as I watch and wait to see if this is a signal of some greater problem in the relationship or just the normal fluctuation of life and love.

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“Dear God, help me to be patient and accept change. Help me to detach with love as I learn and grow in this new relationship.”