Being completely honest with myself is not always easy.

There are times when I hide behind the denial of the truth… unwilling to accept the reality of a situation.

During my divorce… I found it very hard to be honest about the painful experience that lay in front of me.

I wouldn’t accept that my marriage was over… and I was sure that if I just kept pushing for the outcome I desired… it would somehow magically work.

It didn’t.

After a period of time, I was able to put my fantasy aside and embrace honesty.
I started by accepting the situation and admitting that we were not going to be able to reconcile our differences.

I then focused on my own spiritual footwork so that I could move through my emotions and evaluate my part, my responsibility in our break up.

Finally, I worked to be honest with my family and friends: it was difficult to say out loud to others: I’m getting a divorce.

I felt embarrassed.

I felt like a failure.

But over time I realized that I was not the only one who had suffered a great loss through divorce and that there were so many people ready and willing to share their own experience, hope and kind words.

Honesty is telling myself the truth.

Honesty is being straightforward in my conduct.

Honest is embracing my integrity.

To move through my pain I must first be completely honest with myself.

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“Dear God, help me to be honest when I am afraid. Help me to look at the reality of the situation when it is difficult to do so.”

photo credit: Camie Dean Gross

Lately I have been struggling with difficult choices.

In my day-to-day life, when it comes to making decisions at work, or giving others advice… I excel at being decisive and direct.

But… when it comes to my heart… when it comes to love… I often still struggle.

My divorce left me wounded and so, when I find myself confronted in a relationship with a difficult choice to make, I’m not quite sure how to react:

If I react with haste: I berate myself for not being patient.

If I don’t react or set boundaries: I berate myself for being a people-pleaser, a doormat.

I am amazed, after all of this time, that I am still triggered by the painful experiences of my past.

Today, when faced with difficult choices, I ask myself the following things:

Is it good for me?

Is it good for my family, my love ones?

Am I making this decision out of fear?

Have I set aside a significant amount of time to give careful thought to my choice?

Have I talked it through with friends I trust? Looking at all angles before making a decision?

Will there be consequences to my choice and can I accept them?

Difficult decisions should not be made in haste.

It is important to not be rash when it will affect my own heart and the heart of someone I love.

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“Dear God, help me to be calm as I work through my feelings related to a difficult decision. Help me to trust in my own internal compass and your guidance.”

Most people in my life are amazed that I am afraid of anything… I tend to come off so sure of myself and strong.

But like everyone… I do have fears… some real… some perceived… and though I am often brave, their are times where I allow my fear to get the better of me.

Lately, I have been full of fear: fear of rejection, fear of being out of control, fear of sharing my thoughts and feelings, and this fear has been driving my actions.

I do not like being dominated by my “shadow self” by my self-doubt and insecurities.

It leaves me in a state of apprehension and worry and soon… my focus on what is important in life: the people I love, my work, my creativity… all take a back seat to my fears.

When I find myself in this place… I must remind myself that I am reacting to “false evidence appearing real.”

This fear is my own creation based on:

Memories of my past hurts driving my emotions in my present relationships.

Fear of my own actions or reactions that I am projecting onto other people.

Fear that I will fail… that I will be perceived as weak for letting someone know that I need help.

It is hard to stand back from the emotion of fear when it overwhelms but to walk through it I must do just that: observe it… acknowledge it… and admit to myself that this is my ego struggling with the unfamiliar and clinging to what I know and trust even if what I know and trust… is dysfunctional.

I must be brave when faced with “false evidence appearing real” and pray for guidance as I move through it and towards a higher spiritual path.

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“Dear God, help me let go of false fear and focus on the truth. Help me to willingly and bravely acknowledge my apprehension and worry as I work towards letting it go.”

Change is never easy for me.

Even when I know it is for the best.

I am a creature of habit.

I like to keep those I love close to me.

I don’t like when circumstances arise that create distance and change the mood of a relationship.

I tend to react.

I tend to become afraid.

Even when I believe in my Higher Power’s plan… there is still… something… inside of me that worries like a fearful child: I want to clutch tightly at what is mine.

One of my most trusted friends said to me the other day, “Have you ever been in a row boat?”

I wasn’t sure what this topic had to do with change, but I was willing to listen.

“When you are on one side of the boat,” she said. “And someone is riding along with you on the other side of the boat…. you float smoothly… in perfect balance.”

I imagined the image of this row boat in my mind. I pictured the glassy river, the calm of the air, two people riding peacefully along side-by-side and I let myself become quiet.

“Now what happens when you try to cross over to the other side of that boat and sit very, very close to the person you are with?” She asked.

I couldn’t stop myself from laughing out loud… her image was so crystal clear.

“We tip!” I said.

I haven’t been able to let the image go all week and to be honest, I doubt I ever will.

Whenever I react… try to hold someone close…. reach to grab on… push and beg… I am putting myself in a position to “tip” my own boat.

In situations where a relationship is in the process of change, it is better for me to stay on “my side of the boat” keep my life in balance and hope that we will once again find our mooring: our shared togetherness.

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“Dear God, help me to understand when change surrounds me. Help me to look at it with a calm mind and a kind heart.”

There have been times since my divorce that I have doubted my choices and the spiritual path that I walk.

In the beginning, it seemed that I was traveling blindly… no markers… no compass… to help navigate my direction.

But as time went on and my footing steadied… I realized that there were guides all around me: in the strength that I carried inside of me and in the people I met who had walked the path before. People who were willing to share their experience, strength, and hope as I carried on.

Today, I have very little fear of what lay before me on my path.

I have survived so many ups-and-downs, so many painful moments; divorce, the death of precious loved ones, and I know… that this is life and I cannot control it.

I have learned that holding onto the past, setting my mind on one fixed point and refusing to change it, only causes me heartache and pain.

Once I choose to walk the path, I cannot look behind at the turn that now obscures what was once my world. I must look ahead, excited to see what lay around the next turn: my future and so many wonderful opportunities for growth, change, and happiness.

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“Dear God, help me follow my own path. Let me not be swayed by my own doubts or the doubts of others.”

Today, I was reminded how difficult it is to lose something or someone you truly love.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want something to work out: it just doesn’t.

Relationships change and change can be hard to accept.

I thought back to the time I shared with my special someone and I missed the way I felt when everything was new and exciting.

The way I was always the first person they thought to call and the last person they wanted to talk to in the evening.

How they loved the way I made them feel… loved the way I looked at them when we were together and accepted me just as I was.

I do not regret the time we had together… I do not regret my love for this someone… I just regret that I am no longer the first thought of their day or the woman that will be in their day-to-day life.

I know that “this too shall pass” the good and the bad of life always does, but change is often painful.

There will be hard days when recovering from a loss but…

I must accept the reality of the situation, embrace my feelings, and have faith that my Higher Power will move me through to a better place.

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“Dear God, help me to be strong. Help me to have faith in your plan. Help me to let go with love.”

Last night I was thrown off by an unforeseen event.

Someone dear to me had an opinion regarding my actions, my behavior, that I felt was unwarranted.

I was very upset about the incident.

I thought about it my entire drive home and most of the morning.

I didn’t like that my friend’s opinion of me on this occasion was negative and I began to have feelings about it.

I truly felt that I had done nothing wrong… that I had acted this way in my friend’s presence on numerous occasions before… yet tonight, for whatever reason… they were uncomfortable with my behavior.

I of course wanted to discuss it with them, find a way to mend our quarrel but, I knew that I would also have to look within myself and be willing to reflect on why their opinion bothered me so.

Was it because they were my dear friend, and so their opinion really meant something to me due to our intimate friendship or…

Was it because they had pushed an emotional button… triggering something deep inside of me that caused me to feel vulnerable and attacked?

I cannot allow my self-worth to be contingent on another person’s opinions no matter how close or dear they are to me but…

if that opinion reveals a need for my own spiritual footwork and growth…. then maybe I need to step back and address any of my issues that I may still be struggling with today.

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“Dear God, help me to hold my self-esteem intact. Help me to let opinions fall away, positive or negative, and walk my own path with a positive attitude.”

Going through a difficult divorce taught me so much about what I wanted in life and reminded me how much the little things matter.

What I missed most during our break-up were all of the small niceties that let me know that I was wanted… cared for:

A quick I love you at the beginning of a busy day…

Or maybe a short call saying that I was missed… in the afternoon.

Coming home to find a meal cooked… or the house cleaned.

Sharing a laugh… an inside joke between the two of us.

These were the things I pined for so much once I was no longer in my marriage.

The little things.

But the pain of those lonely days after my divorce became a valuable teacher. The moments I cherished, remembered, longed for reminded me of how I wanted to behave in my future relationships: considerate and thoughtful on a daily basis… taking the time to share the little things with the one that I loved.

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“Dear God, thank you for the daily kindnesses. The small moments that bring great joy.”